Access arrangements for a young baby

[Singlemum2014uk]

Hi all,

Abit of background story - My daughters dad and I were together 4 years and she was completely planned. He started being aggressive and argumentative about 6 months into the pregnancy, stopped wanting to come to appointments etc. He was okay for the first week of her life then stopped coming home most nights, drinking etc when he decided to up and leave when she was 4 weeks old.

Following a week and a half of coming bk and forth he confessed he had been cheating and this was when I told him to leave our rented property.

Now he has moved in with this new women which although hurt I'm okay with however has hardly seen his daughter only 7 times in the past 8 weeks. Sometimes only an hour of 2 when she's asleep and once going 2 weeks without seeing her.

Okay, so I really want them to have a relationship and bond however she doesn't know him. I bend over backwards to arrange times but he's always working apparently. So we met the other day (I again bent over backwards to make it happen) and he bought up her staying at his over night. She's only 3 months old and I feel a little apprehensive.

Not only does she not really know him but he is living in a house with this women and several other people including lots of men. He works all the time and has mentioned this other women looking after her. He also has a history of drugs and drink (most of which he kept secret from me till we split) and I'm very concerned for my daughter.

I was going to suggest he starts seeing her more often, then start taking her out on his own for the day and then possibly stay over my house the night and I will go out and stay elsewhere so at least I know she's in a safe environment in her own bed/surroundings. What do you think?

I know he has equal access to see our daughter and I want him to see our daughter as much as possible. He has the potential to be a good dad but needs to see her more but he just can't agree to set days.

I am interested to hear people's views and advice :)

Hi,
I think you are actually being incredibly reasonable in the circumstances.
Have you thought about going through a family contact centre? They have them in most areas. He would be given supervised contact in a safe environment, support staff would ensure he was clean / sober before allowing contact to take place and could also report to a court on his behaviour if that became necessary.
I agree you should be very careful about allowing him to take her overnight. Ultimately your LO's safety and welfare is your number 1 priority.
Hope that helps, in any small way.

I wouldn't be handing her over unless I was 100% sure I could trust him to look after her, especially at just 3 months. If there is a risk of her not being safe (which it sounds like there is) then it's your duty as a mum to avoid her being in that situation, especially when she can't even talk to tell you what happens.

I would be offering as much contact as he'd like with you or another responsible adult you can trust present until he is capable of fully meeting her needs himself.

Thats the point though isn't it? Its him that needs to meet babys needs not anyone else OW or not. Their relationship is very new and I think he needs time with only the child as he needs to feel confident with her. Taking her now and anyone else looking after her is pointless he should be spending time with his daughter alone at least for the first few months. Other people should help look after her later once a regular routine has been established xx

Do you really want to have to leave your own house? How about he does bedtime then leaves? Plenty of time for overnights when she is older and he has somewhere appropriate for her to stay.

My ex left me in a similar situation. The marriage broke down before my DD was born due to his affair. He started to put pressure on me for over night visits at nine months. I went to see a child psychologist (husband of a friend) to ask his advice. He said no over nights until the child was 2. You are it's significant care giver and if the baby woke at night, it would want you. I actually, after thinking long and hard about it. Decided to let my DD go anyway, as I though that a harmonuios relationship between her parents was more important. in other families it's quite normal for babies to go overnight to grandparents houses etc for babysitting.
However 16 years later I regret that decision. She has never been able to settle at night and now as a teenager has terrible insomnia. She has been seeing a psychologist who says she has problems self soothing - I wonder now that it was due to the disruption to her routine as a baby.