so upset at dh

[jan2014]

we are separated with 2.5 year old. he has been doing a degree and placement, and has just finished and basically all the contact times have been worked around that which has been really really tough.

now that has finished, and he relief work. he has went and told his work when he is available to work (keeping to the same crappy inconsistent contact arrangement ) instead of what i thought he was going to do which was sit down and talk to me about the changes and work something out that suited us both. i am so upset i cant stop crying, its been a tough day and this was the icing on the cake.

i guess nothing will actually change for us now he has finished. i hate him so much right now. seriously. i need to get this hate out of my heart and i will do that, but right now its there and im naming it. all those times he made excuses for his behaviour that everything was cos of his course, and it would all change. yeah, and then he acted like i was unreasonable because i was upset that i couldn't get to something i wanted to later this month because he has organised it all the way he wants it, us to just fit in with his plans as usual. then after our argument, he sent a text saying. well text me what suits you and i will try to fit in with you, i have a wage to earn you know! yeah, like i don't have plans, like i dont want to get a job, like i don't want to do anything with my life? all that counts is his his his life. i told him to forget it he will do what he wants anyway. sorry i am totally ranting here. needed to let it all out.

Rant away, that's what MN is best for I find!

rant away. But don't tell him to forget it. Tell him very clearly, in writing, what you need. Whether he does it or not - tell him. You can't live your life feeling so powerless and the first thing you can do to to take a little bit of control is act on what you CAN do. You can tell him what works for you.

If you don't even tell him, he will continue to do what he pleases - so at least make it completely clear what you need. Find out when his next rota will be written and send him acceptable dates from that point forward. If he comes back with a whole set that disregard it, tell him the DC will be unavailable when you have pre-arranged plans or childcare in place. you don't have to bend your lives to fit his - but you DO need boundaries, so set some!

HUGS. My XH is a shift worker too, and despite his arguments about it, when I set boundaries he magically managed to get e.o.w off and settle down into a fixed contact schedule. It can be done!

My dh is a copper and works with two guys who do shared custody. They have to work it into their shifts just like any other parent who works shifts.
I also used to work shifts as a lone parent to four.
Decide on the times he's having them and then it's up to him to make arrangements.

ledkr do you mean decide on set times every week for contact and then if he is having them on a day that he is working he is to sort their childcare? sorry i am confused by your post. how did you manage with you both working shifts?

nefnaf so did you two both arrange a set contact time every week and now he follows it and plans his shifts around the contact (rather than the other way round) and manages it (without dropped kids at his mils the whole time!) thank you for the advice, i am going to do what you said and write to him what i want, (obviously with a view to us both deciding something that works) i have been advised by my counsellor to go to a solicitor first to find out information on what is reasonable to ask of him. im also getting a divorce which i haven't told him yet so he is not going to be happy with me. i just wish everything was into a routine already.