Father threatening court. Worried sick!

[Lauren24]

I split up with the father of my child when I found out I was pregnant as I felt that his lifestyle (drink/drugs/spending every day in the pub) was not one I wanted to bring up my child in. He had also been mildly physically abusive towards me during the relationship, particularly when drunk.

I had lots of verbal abuse off of him whilst I was pregnant and he was very verbally aggressive torwards me demanding constant daily contact. I agreed that I would ring him with updates of the pregnancy weekly. I didn't want him there at the scans as he stressed me out and every time I had to ring it also stressed me out.

When baby was born I allowed him to come and visit daily until he was a couple of weeks old. By the time he was a month old I decided it would be best that we arrange a regular weekly contact. It became an evening during the week. He eventually asked if he could take him out and I didn't feel comfortable with this as he doesn't have any family, his friends are frequent drug takers, drinkers and smokers and the conversation between him and his friends is not one I would like a child to hear. I told him that he needed to wait until baby was a bit older and i would think about building up to taking him out.

Since this he hasn't exactly been consistent with his visits due to work and the money (£30 per week) has been consistent but not always on time.

Baby is now 6 months old and I have told ex that I am willing for the day that he visits to change to a Saturday morning as his work seems to effect the day that he has been visiting. I have also said that I am willing for him to take baby out in 3 months when he has proved that he can visit when he says he going to visit and to let me know o/w. I am still not comfortable with this as I don't trust that he will only take him out and not to his friends house but that is the compromise I am willing to make. Once that happens it can build up to going out for longer spells.

He is now threatening to go to court because he wants to be able to take him out now and he wants to have him more often (which I can't understand as he seems to work every day until past baby's bedtime). More often would mean sat and sun and I am a teacher and would never see him other than bedtime during week! I am panicking!

Has anyone any experience in this?
Can anyone offer any advice I am worried sick and I only want my child to be safe?

It seems you have been very accommodating of him in arranging contact. Your Dc very young to go out alone with him if you are bf this may not be possible. Is there anyway you can get a family member to be a third party at your house whilst he visits.
Don't panic about his threats,he is having a tantrum and even if he did go to court given his past abuse of you it's likely the court may award supervised visits.

I think you perhaps see this from his pov, you are accommodating him but it is very much on your terms, perhaps you need to let him earn your trust by proving his worth. TBH, there are plenty of parents on here who would like their exes to be paying regular maintenance and making an effort to visit who would be eyeing your situation up with envy.

I appreciate he may have had issues (and still have) but you do need to leg go of the ropes a little before the courts order you to.

From what I understand, if there are drink and drugs involved, the court has to take this into account and hold off contact until it has all been looked into (probably via CAFCASS.) Think its unlikely that he'd get overnight stays with a baby that young. And you'd be quite within your rights to ask for CAFCASS to look at his living circumstances, once they do decide that the baby is old enough.

I also understand that if contact is deemed best through a contact centre, they will do strip tests for drink and drugs if they are considered an issue (Solicitor advised me of this.) I have the same problem at the moment!

You shouldn't worry unduly about being taken to court. When there are allegations that children are at risk of harm as a result of drug taking, alcohol abuse, mental illness or DV a court may treat the allegations as though they are true, just in case, whilst investigations are carried out. Having said that drug taking etc aren't necessarily reasons to bar someone from caring for a child.

If contact between all parents who used any drugs/abused alcohol whatsoever and their children wasn't allowed there would be a massive increase in the number of children in care. Really it depends upon the impact of the drugs/alcohol on the ability of the person to provide care for a child and if necessary what measures might be put in place to ensure that children are safe. For example if a single mother was an alcoholic and binged to the extent she couldn't give appropriate care at weekends, get the children to school or do shopping on a Monday morning measures that might be put in place are arrangements for Mum to do the shopping before the weekend, the children to stay with the father or grandparents over the weekend and someone to take the children to school on Monday mornings. That way the children's sense of security and established bonds are maintained and they are kept safe.

You need to bear in mind the long term impact of parental conflict on your child and benefits of reaching an agreement between yourselves or with the help of mediators. Good contact for children relies on parents working together, or at least not against one another. As long as your ex has the ability to give care when your child is with him there is no reason why a compromise can't be reached so the father can start taking the child out for short periods. Lots of babies are taken walks etc by family and friends and some babies are left regularly in childcare whilst their parents work. Contact can then be gradually extended so your child goes to his home for a several hours during the day before starting overnights.

court will assess whether your allegations about drugs/drink etc are valid enough reasons to curtail contact...as was said, alone they aren't really good reason. you need far more proof/evidence of risk of child coming to harm than alcohol.... do you have proof of drug taking? any police convictions for breach of peace etc ? even then, reality is that dad will get set contact unless there is proof otherwise

if he is able to turn up to court, present well and show he can be sober etc then why should he not have contact with his child?

you should not fear court, if he is prepared to go that length then he may be willing to take care of his child...
yes you will need to keep close eye so if he takes him for few hours and returns him swimming in nappy of poo then you take records and note.

are you back teaching already?

presumably you get school holidays free so over course of year as child gets older you could work something feasible...