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Original poster

Can I make him have our son

18 replies

Pinklaydee1302 · 27/05/2014 22:08

The father of my 16 month old son has just told me by text that he not sure when he can look after our son again as he split from his wife.

Bit of background...we had a fling when we were both separated I then became pregnant but he'd decided to give it another go with his wife so I went through pg alone. When my baby was born we did DNA test and he then decided he wanted contact and has kept to it 2 days a week up until now.

This has completely floored me as I'm really struggling with looking after him as I suffer with depression and just don't see how he can do this to our son.

Just wanted advice really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/05/2014 08:15

No one?

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 28/05/2014 08:18

If he has just split from his wife I think you need to give him a while to sort himself out.

Dropdeadfred2 · 28/05/2014 08:19

Sorry to hear you are struggling, but the fact is there is no way of forcing your son's father to have him..I'm sure if you think about it the prospect of someone 'having' to have a child under duress would be an unpleasant experience for both of them. Is he paying maintenance? could you use any of this to pay for nursery one day a week for a bit of respite?

FrontForward · 28/05/2014 08:22

It's really tough to have all parenting dumped on you especially if you're not well yourself. (Sadly fairly common though)

You can't make him have him but you can ask him for help? What is his reason? Accommodation or emotional? Can you talk about it?

If he won't or can't then really you shouldn't even consider him an option. Have you got people close to you who can help?

Can you talk to a HV for help?

Original poster
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/05/2014 08:24

Yes Dropdead I'm seriously considering it, I really would like to go back to work but after working it out it's only worth my while to go full time

OP posts:
FrontForward · 28/05/2014 08:26

having' to have a child under duress would be an unpleasant experience for both of them

I suspect this is how the OP feels herself. Depression and a 16month old is a tough option. I'm sure people will be here to announce that motherhood is about being their all the time but we all need help and the father is apparently able to announce that just 2 days is too much for him!

I think you should talk to your GP OP

Original poster
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/05/2014 08:28

He just says he can't 'cope' on his own. I think his wife did the majority of DS' care and he even used to go out and leave her babysitting !

He just a waste of space tbh

OP posts:
FrontForward · 28/05/2014 08:28

Pink...full time might help your depression. Your son will have company and you will have adult company and support.

FrontForward · 28/05/2014 08:29

He sounds useless OP and you are probably best planning your future anticipating zero support from him sadly.

Original poster
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/05/2014 08:31

Front yes exactly. I'm finding myself resenting my little one at mo and I don't want to feel like that towards him. I don't have family that are willing to help. I also have two other children aged 14 and 12 but they don't help much and he's not their child.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 28/05/2014 08:32

When did he split up from his wife?

Original poster
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/05/2014 08:38

Only a couple of days ago, they've split before hence the reason DS was conceived Grin

Just cannot imagine doing this on my own all the time Hmm

I was being weaned off my AD's think I might have to go back on them properly

OP posts:
Meeeep · 28/05/2014 08:58

Pinklaydee

I think given this latest upheaval you should first off consider going to your doctor and explaining that you don't feel ready to come of your ADs just yet. One of your main focuses just now has to be keeping yourself well.

Give your ex a couple of weeks and speak to him again. If he continues to say he doesn't want to take your Son for 2 days try alternatives. For example him taking DS for the day once or twice a week. Don't push the overnights but do try to reach some form of compromise, I want to stress that I am suggesting this for your benefit, even a few hours downtime will be better than nothing from what you've said.

If you can, consider getting back into work, it will give you back a sense of yourself and not just "mummy". I know some people disagree with this but I adore my Daughter but there is no way I wanted to be a stay at home Mum, I needed some outside stimulation too.

I hope your ex is paying CM. If not try and get that sorted out too. It will take a bit of financial pressure off.

Original poster
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/05/2014 09:48

Yes Meeeeep I do need to get into work again. Think would help me so much. Worry about DS though Hmm

OP posts:
Meeeep · 28/05/2014 09:52

If you find a good childcare provider you have nothing to worry about.

I'm part time but DD loves her nursery and all the staff. It's outside stimulation for your DS too.

OwlCapone · 28/05/2014 10:44

He only split up a couple of days ago??

Where is he living? Is he actually able to have DS? Can you suggest he visits him at your house?

It does sound like you aren't ready to come of ADs - there's no shame in needing to go back a step. And your DS will be fine in the right childcare setting - thousands of children are :) He will also be better with a happier mother :)

OwlCapone · 28/05/2014 10:45

Eeek! the last sentence was meant to be a positive, not a suggestion that he isn't fine now!

Original poster
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/05/2014 15:30

Yes it was thanks owlSmile

I do think I need to find work.

DS dad has his own house yes but says he can't look after him on his own Hmm

OP posts:
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