Driven to tears by my 6 year old

[BornToFolk]

DS has been with his dad for a couple of nights. He normally only goes for one night, EOW and though his behaviour can be bad when he gets back, it's expected and manageable.

However, he got back mid afternoon today and his behaviour has been terrible. He was bouncing around all afternoon. His dad took him out for lunch and gave him Dr Pepper, which I think may have contributed. He had a minor meltdown after dinner when I said no to pudding as he said he was full up. He put his shoes and coat on and said he was going back to his dad's. Anyway, we got through that with a combination of telling-off and cuddles but he had a massive meltdown before bed, refusing to do what he was told, being full of attitude and rudeness. He had plenty of warnings and just carried on and saying he wanted to go back to his dad's and I just burst into tears. I missed him so much and wanted him to come home and when he does, he doesn't want to be here and was just horrible to me. I left the room for a bit, came back and he said sorry for hurting my feelings. So we had a big cuddle and a big cry (from him) and a smaller cry (from me) and I made him laugh, he had a story and he's gone to bed happy.

I'm just whinging really. I never know if I've done the right thing. His behaviour was pretty bad, lots of slamming around and answering back but I know it comes from tiredness and upset and missing his dad so my response is to give him lots of cuddles, but then I worry that I've been too soft on him. He's had no sanctions for his behaviour tonight but when he calmed down I did tell him firmly that although he was feeling cross and upset, taking it out on me was not on.

And it just fucking sucks that his dad can play Disney dad for a weekend and give him loads of treats and I have to be the one who lays down the law about eating properly and behaving well, so DS (naturally) wants to be with his dad. I know I'm doing the right thing by him and in the long run, he'll probably appreciate me but it really, really hurts now to be rejected by him.

I think you have handled the situation really well.My dd used to be withdrawn/moody when she came back from seeing her dad.As she got older (now an adult) she was able to tell me that she found the transition tough and was full of mixed emotions.She was happy to see me but sad she was leaving her dad.

I think your approach was exactly right, giving your ds reassurance.

This sounds like us. Well, minus the dad's for the weekend part.

It always happens when I have PMT. He pushes, I respond. He has a meltdown, I have a meltdown. He goes to bed and I cry.

I forget during the other weeks of the month how hard these few days are and I always consider things that I'd never think about the rest of the time.

Just hang on in there until the nice, loving child you adore comes back after a good night's sleep (hopefully).

Look, I get this appears to be he doesn't like you. However I find my 3yr old can be very argumentative if I leave her for long periods with nursery, gps, Aunty etc.

I view it as they can't really get why you weren't there, and missed you. So, when they see you they are grumpy and letting it all hang out. I find in that, the MORE cuddles kisses ruffles of the hair, treats and general fussiness I give the quicker it resolves. If I bite and get cross it dissolves into fights and tears.

Try it. It's flipping hard. Mostly works. I think it's like picking on the person you fancy when at school iykwim?

Thanks for the replies. I know he doesn't mean it really and that it must be hard for him to make that transition from one house to another. I'm just trying to tread that line between being understanding and compassionate while also not allowing him to take his negative emotions out of me!

Like I say, it's usually manageable. I try and keep things nice and calm and "normal" when he gets back (although my instinct is to shower him with treats cos I missed him! ) It's just that yesterday he was absolutely horrid. I feel most guilty that I "cracked" in front of him and let him know that his behaviour was getting to me.

And it grates that exP is bragging on Facebook about the lovely weekend he's just had with DS and I'm left picking up the pieces of an overtired, emotional boy.

But that's life I suppose! And my problem, not DS's.

Anyway, the good news is that he was back to his usual cheerful, helpful self this morning

My DS told me the other day that "I can't cope with him sometimes".

I really had to remain calm. Goodness knows where he's got that one from - or even if he knows what it means!

It is great that he's had a good time with DS, and I assume that if DS had burnt his house down, he'd still put on Facebook that he'd had a super time! He'll never ever put on Facebook "was up till midnight with DS who would not stop crying because he misses his mummy and no amount of cuddles would console him".