why is it everyone else seems to be married and its just me and my kids on their own?

[Minime85]

I know its obviously not the case. But we (2 dcd and i) are on holiday with my parents and all around us the kids are with both parents. Dads holding their kids' hands. Husbands holding wives hands. Both parents and kids getting to share in those holiday times and helping in the ups and downs!

And me. No wedding ring. No one to hold my hand or help me deal with dcs arguing. Their dad missing out on seeing them on the beach and taking them for ice cream. God I'm sorry if I sound sorry for myself. I know I'm lucky to be on holiday and everything. Its just first summer separated and first holiday alone. Feeling of those still happy and married and for the loss of the family I thought I'd always have

I know how you feel. It's less a holiday thing for me - though I would definitely feel it acutely then too - but more of a weekend /bank holiday/xmas /birthday parties etc etc type thing that kicks it off. It was hideous at xmas and really knocked me for six. I am hoping that it was because last xmas was my first separated one and that subsequent ones will be easier. Maybe that's the case for you too, what with it being a first family holiday.
I don't have any words of wisdom since I am still trying to work out the best way of dealing with this myself. Sometimes I berate myself - just as u have done in your post - and get annoyed at myself for feeling sorry for myself. Other times I think it is better to feel it and let myself feel sad on the basis that denying it would be worse in the long run. I have no idea which is the better approach.
Of course, those families that you see happy and contented may be far from that - they may be putting on a brave face or hating it and wishing their OH wasn't with them. But you'll know that. It doesn't help you feel less sad for the life you thought you'd have.

Cagney I know exactly how u feel. I just so needed to vent. I was on my own with kids a lot due to ex job so I'm used to the birthday, event type thing.

The dcs seem fine and my parents are just fantastic at trying to fill that gap. Its just not the same.

And you are right no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I'm just so sorry for my dcs and both of us we couldn't make it work.and I guess u think u are going along just fine as day to day I am but its things like this that make u sad again. Hope u are OK.

don't beat yourself up for feeling sad. You have not just lost your relationship in the present but also your hopes for the future. Of course everywhere you look you are going to see happy couples.

You know of course that you only see the outside of that relationship, you have no idea what kind of misery or desperation goes on behind closed doors. Some marriages are happy and loving, others abusive and miserable. Hopefully one day you will be able to be happy with you and what you have without holding yourself up to what you imagine is going on with other people, but its going to take some time and you need to recognise that and be kind to yourself.

Hi we're away too but this is the second time we have done it and it feels so much better than the first. Like you I was used to doing lots just the DC's and I as ex works shifts and bank holidays. Yes most people are in couples but I have found it hasn't bothered me so much, and I have actually noticed a bit more bickering between them this time! My kids are 6 & 10 so have made friends and I am sitting here drinking coffee watching them play.

So I have found that it definitely gets easier in time but I still have moments where I feel so bad for us that we don't get the family life I wanted for them (my exh left for OW). But I am doing my absolute best just like you are and that will have to be enough.

Think the grief sometimes catches you when you least expect it. Hope you still manage to have a lovely time.

Thanks spero I know you are right. It's been an up and down week.

Thanks too words I hope you've had a lovely holiday. There has to be a first of everything doesn't there and I know as u say it will get better. We did first Christmas and first of eldest dd birthday. My birthday next then wedding anniversary. I am over him but not the loss of the family unit we had and future if that makes any sense. As nothing will ever be the same again for our dcs and that saddens us both so much I know. I just hope we don't completely screw them up.

I'm the only person I know really too in rl that is dealing with divorce and separation. It sucks.

How are things going on hols, Minime85? Hope things looking a bit brighter for you & you've spotted lots of bickering couples
Like you, I'm the only one I know in RL who is going through separation. Everyone else is in couples. Not ideal at all.
Still, make the most of being away and your parents being there to help out. And be kind to yourself.

Holidays pre splitting with my exH used to be a balance of making the kids happy and him happy (ie 'surely I'm allowed a lie in I'm on holiday' 'I work hard surely I'm entitled to a few drinks on holiday')

At least now I only need to please the kids - and they at a damn site easier to please!

Thanks Cagney it has been nice to spend time with my girls. See them on the beach. Home tomorrow which I'm ready for.

Yes spooky I used to have that too re the lie ins on holidays but overall they hold very happy memories. Except the last one where two days before he told me he didn't love me any more. Then we had to go on this holiday for 10 days all together. God that was hard.

I know exactly how you feel OP.

I went on holiday as a single parent.

One time was fine but the decor time I got sick and with no other adult it was awful. We were stuck in the hotel room for 5 days with only vending machine food to eat.

Even the first time I was a bit of a pariah at the pool. The logistics of watching valuables but still playing/swimming with a toddler was difficult.

I also don't have any word of wisdom but I will say I know exactly how you feel. I'm alone with my 17 yr old DD and nearly 3 DS. I regularly feel like I'm the only one who has to deal with everything alone and I find myself feeling very sorry for myself when I'm overtired, stressed ect.

I recently took my DS to visit his soon to be pre-school (starts in sept). I knew what it was going to be like before I even got there and As expected I was the only parent there alone. My DS absolutely loved it but by the time we left I felt like crying.

On a slightly different tangent, people's perceptions of single mothers don't help things much. I often find I don't get invited out places because it's going to be all couples (seriously....I can only go to the cinema with a group of friends if I have a significant other???!) also at things like the pre-school, the couples don't talk to you....it's like I have a disease and if they get to close they'll catch the dreaded single parent virus :-(

I keep telling myself that things can only gets easier...right????

Weather that's what worries me about the future and going on my own as I don't travel well anyway and have stomach problems. It's being everything to them isn't it all at once. Mine were desperate to see their dad when we got back today and then youngest came home from his saying why do we have to go on separate holidays why can't we all just go together. Bless her

please I hope things get easier bit I wonder if they just get different. There is definitely a stigma about being on your own and there shouldn't be. I hate all the happy parents and children things. God how does that make me sound!? Ex and I go together to things so far but it's not the same. So sorry you had that experience at the nursery it must have been very tough. Then it's having no one to talk about these things to that gets you down. I hope you are ok

Thanks minime85 :-)

I think the best way to go on holiday is to go with other single parents so to go in an organised group or approach a few people you know through school/community etc.

That way we don't feel social pariahs it is disgusting though isn't it the way we are excluded socially!

To think this lack of inclusiveness exists in the year 2014 in the UK, a supposedly civilised country and part of the G8 really sucks!

I wish I had the time and energy to lobby parliament and join or make a pressure group about it, we could write to the different newspapers and so on and make a stand. I think it is long overdue and I wish somebody would do this!

I've never been excluded socially as a single mum on holiday. On the contrary, I have been taken under the wing by several couples, made friends with a glamorous granny who got me lots of free booze with the all inclusives and had some great holiday romances. I'm going away alone with dd again ths year and I cannot wait!

It's a state of mind. Sure there are lots of couples who just hang out together but that's kind of normal. Just get chatting to the other people.

Yes! it's a state of mind, but it's a state of mind informed by reality. There are many couples who deliberately exclude people who are not similarly coupled up. Thank god I know couples who don't care, or my social life would be very limited!

But I agree, don't waste time or mental energy trying to be 'accepted' by people who don't want to welcome you.