Ex trying to groom DS to go and live with him - what can I do

[samantha001]

As a single mum with 9 year old DS I have been devastated to discover my ex had been giving our son options to go and live with him. Inviting him to events when it is not his access weekend, buying a puppy, telling him how he can go and live with his family if he wants to. He has always had very good access, every Wednesday overnight and every other weekend Friday to Sunday. I have always actively encouraged and supported the relationship and will continue to do so, but feel helpless in his response in not supporting me and the stability our DS has with both parents. When I have raised the issue with my ex, he has said I am just jealous that DS has more fun with him and that ds is old enough to make his own decisions. My ex has always been very manipulative.

Any support or advice would be much appreciated
Many thanks

Would you feel that once a week and every other weekend was often enough to see your DS? I can understand that you don't want to lose your DS to his 'fun' parent but perhaps it would be best to sit down and talk about shared care with your ex?

Your DS is old enough to be involved in any discussions too and hopefully your ex can see that 'luring DS away from you' is not in the best interest of your son and that 50/50 might be a good all round alternative?

Has your DS expressed a preference? Do you think your ex would actually want/enjoy being the main carer or do you feel like he is just doing it to get to you?

"Very good access" cringe! Perhaps you could suggest to your ex that DS spends more time with him if they both want to.

I love the fantasy world that some PPs live in. 50/50 is being discredited around the world. It confuses children who need a primary home to live in and a routine that they understand and know is happening on a regular basis. No-one should manipulate children, certainly not by Disney parenting, with offers of puppies and fun events. There are books about parental alienation. If you are providing a stable environment with a solid routine, then stick to that. Document however all conversations with DS and ex.

Thanks for your comments, shared care would work if ex was reliable, responsible and lived a lot closer, unfortunately no homework would be done, fast food diet, dirty clothes, not being taken to school, endless hours on the computer and living a long way from friends would ensue. In my opinion this would not be the best choice for ds. This is about point scoring, he has two children and he is fighting to retain access of the other one with ex wife, she is taking their dd out of the country to get away from him, which i dont agree with, his girlfriend does not have custody of her children either.

Access to children has to be based on several factors including location, ex's job and disruption to child. Taking all this into account, in my opinion, one night a week, every other weekend is very good access.

Many thanks tiredandsadmum for your advice

OP I know where you're coming from, and have a 9 yo DD and a very similar ex. DD was under constant pressure, and the worst thing for her was feeling like the decision was on her shoulders. Although your DS may have views there's a difference between taking account of those, and letting him choose. Might be a relief to your DS to learn he doesn't have to choose.

Shared care all well and good if you're dealing with the right sort of character. 9 years is old enough to make decisions, but not old enough for it to be fair on them.

I expected some of the responses before I read them.

Children should not be manipulated by Disney Dads ( or mothers for that matter)

sounds like he is just brewing for a fight right now over his lack of control

Read up on parental alienation and see if anything rings true to you. It is usually the mother who alienates but it can also come from Dad.

I hope that's not what is happening in your case and I agree that a more shared care agreement would be better. You need to remedy this as best you can before DS reaches around 12 as he can then just decide where he lives