How do you do it?

[qumquat]

Just that really. I think I'm too weak.

You just get up each morning and muddle through the day the best you can. What are you specifically finding difficult maybe we can give support and or tips.

Same as Lonecat, you just 'do' because there's no one else to do it. Throw yourself the odd treat to look forward to though, it helps

I hope you're OK

I drink heavily

It's not so bad, honest! You muddle through and try again the next day - you become a team, which helps.

Are you a lone parent yet? Is there anything we can help with practically? I know it must be daunting but we are all managing (to various degrees!)

You're not too weak. You will be able to do it even if it's because you have no option right now.

Tell us what you're struggling with

It gets easier..Imerse yourself in your childs world.It is a great escape and is a lot let painful.

Do what needs to be done then get out, get some fun. Like others have said you do it because no one else is there to do it.

Also don't be too proud to accept offers of help

My thoughts are that the evening is difficult, being alone until you work out what you want to do with your evenings.

Cuddle a pillow, watch calming videos on youtube (calming music to go to sleep etc), read a book or watch a film eg on Netflix in the evening.

Do you have children/how old?

Thank you. I am considering leaving my partner because I just don't love and fancy him. He is a wonderful man and father, so there will be no 'at least xh isn't here making things worse' to fall back on. Money will be so tight. I am disorganised and messy. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I don't want to ruin my child's life just because of my poor understanding of my needs when choosing a partner. Thank you for your kind words. Dd is only 4 months old.

You have to do what's right. There's no point in being with someone when you're unhappy, it's just lying them and denying you both the chance to move on and meet people who do make you happy. You can change being disorganised and messy, one step at a time.

Because I have to!

I find it very tough.. Dc's 11yrs & 2yrs
Really bad day today.. Can't find an effective way to correct 2yr olds bad behaviour & find myself just shouting & threatening him with bedroom or early bed & he just shouts back!!

Feeling like a tired stressed out failure at the moment!

I just let things slide if I need time to recharge. No one's there to say you have to do everything to a certain standard. It's fine to be a bit disorganised, messy and stay in your PJ's all day if you need some down time! It's harder with younger dc but as long as they're safe and fed you don't have to push yourself. If your stbx is a decent man then at least you'll get some free time when he has access, and will probably pay a decent level of maintenance. I've never had involvement from my exP, and no maintenance at all, and I've managed to cope with that so I'm sure you can deal with things if you have that extra bit of support.

This was me last year....then I left, I figured if I wasnt happy, my kids were never gonna be happy, I was "shouty" and moody, generally unhappy. When I left I found out the person I loved and spent 13 yrs of my life with really wasnt the "wonderful man and father" I once thought he was, he was evil and maniplative, they say you learn more about a person at the end of a relationship than you do the whole time your with them.
My advice would be dont stay to make your children happy cause your unhappiness will soon reflect on them.

Good luck
xx

Thank you everyone. Dp was a head over heart decision, it seems perverse to finally prioritise heart once we have a baby, but it's suddenly hit me a lifetime is a long time... He will want shared custody, which is fine, but we will both be ruined financially. It's the money and having to run my own home which scares me the most.

Hi Qumquat

maybe we can get through his together. My DD is 13 months and I feel similar to you. My DP is a great father and I know deep down he is a good person but we just havent been getting on for so long now. He hasnt been working for 1 1/2 yr now and refuses to get a job but still I work 3 days a week and send our daughter to Childminder 2 days a week. I have lost all respect and pride for him and feel like we would be financially better off without him. I just cant bring myself to end things as I feel so guilty about splitting our family up. I guess I still love him and thats the problem

x

Ever day is a struggle on my own, the nights and weekends are the worse. I don't have any family help or any mum friends so I struggle and just hope and pray it gets better. I would have done anything to keep my family together but Dc's father found someone younger and I assume better.

Hey. Just re-read your message.

You have a 4 month old baby. Are you working or are you home alone most of the time? Do you maybe think you should try to get a break, some time away for a week or two perhaps visiting a relative or someone who you could chat to? Have you told your partner you're feeling low and depressed? Have you tried going to the GP to talk about it?

Hi, just want to come and share my experiences.

My husband is a great father and a kind man.

We get on brilliantly

We chatter about our days, we parent the same, we have the same dreams for the future. Its ideal

but we've never really gelled in bed and its all come to ahead a few times this year and I've decided to call it a day.

So he is moving out on Tuesday and I will be without my best friend.

I am heartbroken, he is heartbroken, it all seems so pointless.

but I know that at the other end of this is two friends who know each other very well and are best at being friends who don't have to worry about the nonsense anymore.

I don't know how you get through it. I will say that I suffer from depression and anxiety too and being with him doesn't help that, when he is there I sort of zone out, switch off and don't do half the stuff I should do around the house or with the kids.

He went away for 3 weeks and it was pretty eye-opening. I spent my evenings watching films on the lap-top and blitzing the house, I spent my days sorting through things and getting things nicer for the children.

I will be financially more stable without him. I will have my rent paid and lots of tax credits to top me up.

the children will still see a lot of him, its the day to day stuff we will all miss, him being there when they wake up, him putting them to bed at night

but we WILL muddle on no matter what.

I am just going to give myself small incentives to make our lives better, he won't be reading them stories every night so I have to. He won't be adding to the mess in the house so I will clean it all.

It will happen and we will get past it. We have to.

Thank you for all the lovely messages. I am struggling with the decision as I have a nice life with him . But I'm not sure I can keep up the pretence we are in love. We live in London no family nearby, and we couldn't afford seperately flats near each other. I am wallowing in regret. Scared whatever I do I will regret that too, never mind whT damage my idiocy might do to dd. I have been to gp and am on anti ds and down for counselling. Thank you x

Hi Qum, just wanted to come and offer you an empathetic shoulder. My husband is still in the house and all I want to do is hold him and bring him up to bed but I know that is wrong and would not make this situation go away.

Thing is we live so well together but the romantic aspect is just missing so much.

Horrible feeling. Horrible regret :(

Oh yes no more, I am drowning in regret. Not helpful. You are doing better than me re not hugging your dh, I keep giving dp reason to hope.. The aim is to live together for a year and co parent, but the way it's leaving options open is difficult. Fighting the urge just to run away

OP sorry to read about your situation.
Life is very tough with a small baby to look after so perhaps its an idea to wait for a while and see how you go?
Push for counselling sooner rather than later and tell your GP/HV that you are struggling.
In the mean time, treat yourself and him kindly, eat well, lots of tea, go for walks with DD in the pram and try to sleep when your baby sleeps.

Thank you Pannacotta. I'm so anxious right now I'm not sleeping at all, even when baby sleeps. Trying to calm down and just 'be' for the next few months, as you suggest. You are all lovely!!

Fortunately (I suppose) our issues are around intimacy and I am still sore from the last time he tried to 'pleasure' me.

So not finding it very hard to keep off him to be honest!

I really admire this message. You seem so strong. I wish I was that strong. Good luck to you and your children's new chapter I hope all works out the best for you guys xx

I feel for you and know how you feel. But honestly, if you were so in love and really happy you wouldn't even be thinking of being without him. I think you have answered it yourself. Life is too short to be in something you are not totally happy in. It's tough being a mum too. Do what you feel is right and makes YOU happy. Also whilst baby is still young. Message me if you need a chat I've been in your boat x