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Original poster

Do I tell him about parents evening?

21 replies

phoebeflangey · 21/05/2014 19:36

Have written about the end of my marriage before, emotional and financial abuse at best, at worst I don't like to think about. Ex has not wanted to know dd since he went 18mths ago, I kept him up to date with open evenings (secondary school change) primary graduation, reports etc and he has not once come to any of it. His reply "you both have your life now, and I have mine" (with new woman and her two young children). DD has recently asked him not to contact her, she is 12, as he has been very negative and at times nasty about me to her and she doesn't want to see him. Should I inform him of her parents eve next month, and open communications again with him that will probably turn awful, or do I leave it? It just feels wrong to not tell him, but he makes me feel so broken every time I have to deal with him :(

OP posts:
Happybeard · 21/05/2014 19:53

Ask the school to add him to their comms list and they can inform him of stuff as and when it happens so you don't have to think about it. Then the balls in his court

Original poster
phoebeflangey · 21/05/2014 19:57

He already is on the list, gets sent everything with an email link, but knowing him he's lost the user name and password!

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Ewieindwie1 · 21/05/2014 20:00

I think, given the fact your Dd has made her decision, you should leave things up to him.

He's a tosser.

To cover yourself you could ask for any school report to be copied and sent to him? Or emailed (easier for school)

Star8369 · 21/05/2014 20:01

I wouldn't tell him

lostdad · 21/05/2014 20:01

Nothing to stop him contacting them and sorting it out then...

queenofthepirates · 21/05/2014 20:03

Have a break and do yourself a favour, let this one go. Any good parent worth their salt will chase for this. Put your energy into finding a really wonderful partner who can stand in the breach for your ex.

NatashaBee · 21/05/2014 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
phoebeflangey · 21/05/2014 20:16

Thanks! I think I find it hard as I always had to do absolutely all the organising and paying/working etc, and I still think I need to remind him, partly because I believe he bloody should be there. He's never so much as visited the school she's at and he lives ten minutes from it (as opposed to my twenty!) knob!

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Lioninthesun · 21/05/2014 22:17

Deffo leave the ball in his court. Every time you contact him you are showing him you still think of him. He needs to think about his kids for himself now Smile

mineofuselessinformation · 21/05/2014 22:25

You don't have a relationship with him anymore.
Your daughter should, but you can't make that happen.
Try to step back from worrying about what he does. Be there for your daughter, but don't try to shoulder the responsibility that he should be taking - that's up to him.
It's shitty I know when you want something different for your child, for them not to be hurt, but you can't change it.

MexicanSpringtime · 22/05/2014 03:21

Just wanted to mention that be aware that your daughter will probably change her mind every so often about her father, but it is not your problem, just support her

starlight1234 · 22/05/2014 09:46

I agree. communication is a two way thing. He can find out any info contact you.

He seems to be making it perfectly clear he wants nothing to do with you..Hard..but focus on supporting your daughter through it.

I can also tell you from experience when you stop trying to get someone involved who doesn't want to emotionally it is a lot easier for you

cestlavielife · 22/05/2014 10:58

no it is up to him to follow up. and your dd would prob prefer he not there (if she also goes)

my ex turned up to dd's parent evening and it ruined her night (yr 9 so parent and child go) .

Happybeard · 22/05/2014 11:08

As others have said - he's been informed/ invited. Leave it to him now. Arsehole that he sounds!

Original poster
phoebeflangey · 22/05/2014 13:37

I have tried and tried to get dd to see him/talk to him etc, but she is adament that he is not worth it. It breaks my heart that he doesnt try with her, and openly told her before he left that he didnt want her or any children, now he is with his new family dd understandably doesnt want to know. She is stronger than I ever thought she could be, although I am aware that this could change at the drop of a hat.
Its Yr 7 so am I not supposed to take her with me? I was planning to lol?!

OP posts:
EasyTigeress · 22/05/2014 13:50

I wouldn't tell him. He know's, if he doesn't show up it's his own choice. Leave him to it.

Happybeard · 22/05/2014 15:21

I think the kid is supposed to go with you.. They do at dsds secondary school

starlight1234 · 22/05/2014 20:17

You need to stop trying with her too. You need to support her decision not to see her Dad.

To be fair from what you have said here it sounds like she is right. You don't have to sit and slag her Dad down but can sit and let her know you understand how she feels and you will support any decision she makes even if they stay the same or change.

Original poster
phoebeflangey · 24/05/2014 12:22

Of course I need to try with dd? Until recently I believed that encouraging her to keep contact with her dad is what I should be doing. All the while reassuring her and comforting her when he behaves like a total knob, regularly.
However, I've recently told dd that it is her choice whether she sees or had contact with her father, and that I will support whatever she chooses to do. Even if Ex is commited to telling dd and his family that I have poisoned dd and that's why she won't see him.
I can't win :(

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starlight1234 · 24/05/2014 13:44

You are right you are in a difficult position not created by you. But both you and your DD are the ones that know the reality. Her dad also.

Sadly his family won't want to believe he is behaving so badly to DD that she doesn't want to see him. You are the easy target.

Focus on what is right for your DD, don't worry what they think her happiness is most important. It sounds like you are doing the best for her

Original poster
phoebeflangey · 24/05/2014 20:39

Thanks starlight :)

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