Contacting Ex after 7 years

[sezamcgregor]

After thinking about it for so many years and wondering if I was strong enough, I finally contacted ex with a "We need to chat" message this morning.

I'm not sure what I'm expecting. DS is 6.5 and is asking more and more about who his dad is and keeps commenting his dad didn't want him, and so I decided that I needed to find out what he would like me to do.

Ex is an idiot and seems to live in a fantasy some of the time so want him to know not to lie to DS - he's so precious to me.

Any advice and hand holding would be gratefully appreciated!

well you say he is an idiot so what are you hoping for?

best not to expect much...
if you need help dealing with this ask gp to refer you and son for couple sessions with family therapist. they can help deal with the"loss" of a dad. brining someone into his life who will flit off again may cause more damage...

I don't know what to expect. He lives in the same town as me so it's not like he's far away.

I told him that it's about time we had the conversation that we've both been avoiding for the last 7 years - then he called me. Said "not to worry about anything" and that we can "sort things out if it is what I think it is". Also said that I'm doing a good job.

He wants DNA tests.

I'm trying to do the right thing as I don't want to lie to DS and his questions are getting harder to answer when I see the man at least once a week enjoying his care-free life.

I just want to talk to him. Give him the option to leave us to it, but that if he does want to be a dad to him, that he needs to play fair.

I think it's important that DS knows where he comes from now that he's asking questions and seems ready to meet him. He seems a bit lost at the moment like he doesn't feel secure knowing that he has a dad somewhere that doesn't love him like other dads love their sons.

It is so difficult to know what to do for the best and I've been wondering about it being "the right time" for the last 6 years.

so did you tell him straight what you want to talk about?

if he wants dna test sounds like he not that bothered? or will be bothered if dna shows yes?

honestly I would get some support from a professional with this, eg a play therapist/family therapist... you could be setting up ds to get more rejection and he/you will need support.

if dad isn't bothered and is happy with his carefree life... and you think he might lie to ds. you setting up ds to be even more disappointed.

what can you say?

you can say to ds

your dad is called xx.
he lives here in xxxx.
I have told him about you.

in answer to ds questions why..all you can say truthfully is "I don't know"

but get some advice/support - speak to your gp.

your ds is at crucial age now seven, eight etc...you need to find ways for him to feel secure despite his dad being who is he.

He's said that if DNA says yes, he'll support "no drama".

He used to brag about what he did to avoid paying for his other son from previous marriage but didn't understand how that correlated with his ex wife not allowing contact.

I found out afterwards that most of what he had told me had been lies, and up until now, I'd always said that not having him around was the best thing for both of us.

I think it's important to give him a choice but to know that it is a choice. I've told him that he can use this time before we meet for "the chat" to think about what he wants to do.

He seems to have it pinned around DNA - I'm not sure how likely he feels it is that DS is not his - and I'm not sure if he is thinking about what he'll do when it comes back positive. I'm not even sure I want to have to DNA test, he can surely work dates out for himself.

Thanks for your comments c'est - it's nice to have someone to talk to about it!!

maybe you giving him too much choice!
ok in the end he will do what he likes; but you need to be firmer about what you and ds wants - ie you need to set out the options clearly -

1. proper straight commitment financial support and establishing contact - this to be done gradually as ds doesn't know him so commit to regular short contact visits then building up to longer.

1. support financially and no contact if he cannot be consistent

1. a meeting one off so ds knows who his dad is; then he can go back to his life ...

Wonderful C'est - I like those, sets it out very plainly in my mind.

Yes, DS needs to know who is dad is, but I'm a different person than the silly girl he span a yarn to 7 years ago.

I don't need his stories of adventure and grandeur, just someone my DS can call his dad and do "boy" stuff with. I'm hoping being able to speak to him as an adult and being able to tell him exactly what I expect from him if he does want contact will help. I think leaving it this long has put me in a much better situation.