Am I Doing the Right Thing..?

[TeandBiscuits]

Hello,

I don't even know if this is in the right place, if not I apologise.

I'll try keep it short.

My ex and I split around a year ago, our son was 3 at the time. My ex moved around a couple hundred miles away, which immediately made regular visits difficult. He saw our child around 6 weeks after leaving and hasn't seen him since.

He used to phone, but our son would either not want to talk, find it difficult to hold conversation because he was 3, or found it rather upsetting... So I stopped that. I felt he was just being hurt by it.

My ex had a chance to come and visit our son many months ago, it was all arranged and agreed, then he text me at 8pm the evening before the morning he was supposed to be setting off asking "Do you still want me to come?". He hadn't booked a hotel, or even the travel tickets, so I told him to forget it, to me, he was looking for being bailed out. So I said enough was enough and to leave us be.

He goes out of the picture, then sends me an email every 1/2 months being very argumentative, guilt tripping, nasty, or very pleasant (depending on his current tactic). Saying that he wants to see his son (amongst many other things)... A month ago he did this again, I forced myself to give him another chance, so I replied with some terms in which he can start having regular visits, and I get no reply back... Till today, where he send another email out of the blue saying he wants to see him. (I know for a fact he got the email, we had been exchanging emails for an hour or so arguing, with him replying to each within 5 minutes, but then when I sent that one, no reply).

Now, as he chose to ignore me initiating an agreement, I decided it was the last straw. I've explained to him that it's been 10 months since he saw his son and him suddenly popping back into his life is really going to have a negative affect on our child. We had a really rough time for months after he left, I had to struggle to help our son cope, his behaviour went bad, I became extremely depressed...

We've battled through, I now have a new partner who my son is extremely fond of, they have a great relationship and through perseverance, my son is happier now than he has been in the last year. He has a very stable, happy home. (My ex and I were not friends for a few years in our relationship, this is unfortunately what our son was brought up in and now he has much better than that).

I'm not here to hate on the guy, and when he's not harassing me, I don't feel badly towards him, I'm too busy getting on with my busy life.

My problem is... I beat myself up so bad about it all. I don't know if what I'm doing is right. Believe me now when I say, every action I have made has been to protect my boy. I never want him hurt and I do whatever it takes to prevent that. But still to this day I can spend a night crying, wondering if I've done everything wrong, whether my son will resent me for it. He's 4 and a half now, which means he still doesn't really understand, I've tried to explain the best I can over and over, but I don't know how his little mind works when he's trying to make sense of it all, and that scares me. I worry myself sick sometimes that he might be thinking about it in his little head and not know what happened. I assure him that I will always be there, he knows that. But I'm just so damn scared for the welfare of my boy.

I just don't know if I'm doing anything right!

I'm sorry, that wasn't short at all...

While your new partner might well end up being 'dad', your ex is his father, and like it or not he has responsibilities ('rights'). He seems flaky at the moment, but you do not ever want to be in a position whereby if he took you to court it looked like you were actively preventing him seeing your son as you could end up with shared residency ordered by the court.

YI think your best bet is not to say anything to your son, so he is protected and not worrying, but to email your ex suggesting a list of dates he will see DS, asking for his input. Print off a copy and keep it somewhere. Ex will probably never do anything, but if you can prove you did your best to enable a relationship between them, in the future neither DS nor a court can say otherwise. Your ex knows he is being crap, do not give him any ammunition.

If direct contact with your ex is upsetting you, do consider going through a solicitor.

Well, I have actually told him to take it to court, as I have given him the opportunity to be involved, and nothing's come of it (such as not showing up for first visit), so I don't see how any court would dispute that. He point blank says it's not going to court.

I also don't see how he could ever have shared residency when he lives 200 miles away, to a place where our son has never been... After he hasn't seen his father in nearly a year. But perhaps I'm placing too much trust in a court (which has now made me even more scared).

I have kept all the emails and made copies, so I have the one where I am clearly laying down terms for him to start seeing our son again and then state 'These are my terms, what are yours?', to which I never received a response...

And what if I do suggest dates and he decides that he will turn up one time, then perhaps won't bother the next time... Or he turns up and I've not told our son. It would extremely upset him. I would have completely ruined all the progress our son has made and for what, a half-arsed relationship?

Ah right. Please do not worry! You can obviously prove you have made efforts to help their relationship, so I think just think no more about it. Maybe contact him with the same message annually to show willing.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job at making your DS feel loved. :)

TeaandBiscuits.... the only person who can make the decision, and truly know if you have done the right thing.... is you.

You know your ex, you know the situation, you know your son. The person here who's opinion matter is you.

Do YOU feel you have done the right thing?

Do YOU feel you have given your ex opportunity to see your son? Do YOU feel you have not stood in his way? Do YOU feel you have protected your son?

If you can look at what you have done and said, and on balance/ overall say yes to that question, then stop feeling guilty. It wouldn't surprise me if a lot of your guilt is coming from what your ex is saying to you.

Unfortunately, whilst there are many fantastic and brilliant dads/ men out there, there are also a handful who will use guilt trips, arguments over child arrangements etc as a way to hurt/ egt back at their ex (and women are guilty of this too) or control them from afar.

My advice would be to send one final email......

Set out that you have given your opinion on how he could resume contact (terms), you have asked for his, you will not stand in his way, but will protect your son, and the ball is now in his court. Tell him you are no longer prepared to be subjected to aggression over his emails and should he wish to discuss contact then he should arrange mediation and speak to xxxxx.

Then I would either speak to a lawyer or speak to a mediation centre and fill in the xxxx's so that there is someone else he has to contact and not you, so you aren't at the end of his aggression and nastiness. Then leave it up to him.

Thank you, I appreciate your input.