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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I hate this.

34 replies

Blondiebrownie · 17/05/2014 17:13

I hate taking my DS's out and seeing family picnics, I hate being by myself all of the time, I've been to a fate today with them and seeing all the families together bothered me more so today.

It's knowing that I have got to spend an evening by myself, seeing families walking down the street together so happy and knowing that I want nothing more than what they have, I had what they have but it was taken away from me.

Don't get me wrong I love my time with my DS's and I wouldn't change them for the world. I wish everyone who was enjoying the day with their families happiness but I cannot help but feel empty as I am continuously alone.

I don't see family due to abuse and my friends haven't had babies so they're not interested.

I've moved 8 times in 3 years and I've got move number 9 coming up so I haven't got somewhere I can call 'home' yet.

I've been single nearly 2 years now so it's not like I've got to get used to it.

OP posts:

Catnuzzle · 17/05/2014 17:37

That is sad for you. Every thing is not always as it seems though and the families you envy could be putting on a front. However, enjoy what you have. Everything happens for a reason and I hope what you hope for is just around the corner.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/05/2014 18:03

When I was with my ex-husband 9/10 we looked happy as Larry in public whilst at home he treated me like something he had trodden in. Don't be too easily fooled, there will be plenty of happy ones but many just as envious of you as you are of them. Sorry you feel so sad, I hope it changes for you soon

MakeMineaMartina · 17/05/2014 19:13

Blondie are you me? .
was going to start exactly the same thread as this!

I too love being with DC but always feel theres a missing piece of the puzzle.

terrible loneliness and vulnerability.

have some from me, its the only flowers we get too !

MakeMineaMartina · 17/05/2014 19:14

also moved many times, and another one soon, seriously, you're my twin!

Original poster

Blondiebrownie · 17/05/2014 19:42

Thank you for the replies.

It's awful isn't it make; I hope your situation improves for you soon and you finally settle down somewhere perfect for you and your DC.

OP posts:

MakeMineaMartina · 17/05/2014 20:04

seriously know where you're coming from.

and when a couple are sitting in their garden with a glass of wine and laughing and chatting in the evenings and you can hear them, its agony as your DC are in bed and youre alone.

sorry, hope im bringing you down too, I get so down about it.

hope you find somewhere too soon, its awful not being able to call a place home.

Lioninthesun · 17/05/2014 20:49

I agree they probably aren't as happy as they seem.
I think our MN Local groups should start single mum meetups. I'd be more than happy to meet other single mums. My single mum friends have all only recently split (well, one keeps on going back and breaking up again) so we have a good idea of how we feel on weekends and bank holidays. We make an effort to get together and become a family. I think it is hard for single mums to meet as we rarely get to go out and when we are out you are so busy looking after the kids you don't get time to chat much. I also rarely start off by saying I am a LP, don't know about others?
Just thought it might be nice to have a section on each local page, for people to register interest in meeting up and then a private FB group could be made or something? Would that be a good idea?

misstiredbuthappy · 17/05/2014 21:48

I know how you feel blondiealls ive seen today is happy families with the dad filling the pool an doing the bbq, the kids running around all happy. I pretend to be realy happy but inside I just feel so alone. Not all the time thought.

Sounds like a good idea lion

Original poster

Blondiebrownie · 17/05/2014 23:12

You're not bringing me down don't worry, I feel like this everyday.

That is a great idea Lion.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 18/05/2014 00:05

I'll see if I can start something then.

makemineapinot · 18/05/2014 00:17

Great idea Lion - as you say, it's the summer weekends and bank holidays that get to you most as you sit alone hearing all the happy families... Sick of being alone but never have time to do anything more than the basics so don't know how I'd ever get out there and meet anyone!

equinox · 18/05/2014 06:11

They are not all happy though it is just they do not face parenting alone like we do to the same extent. A lot of them remain in relationships because it offers more material security and in theory more emotional peace of mind but a great deal of compromise may have to be made to cope with their men. I know this must be true for at least half of them. We cannot go by appearances the whole time.

I think it feels worse over the summer as that is the time when in theory everyone should be feeling happy when the sunshine is out and the whole world appears to be running around outside getting involved.

niceupthedance · 18/05/2014 06:33

Agree with Equinox, for me it's more about the unrelentingness (?) of the weekend with only children to talk to. I do lots of 'family' activities with DS but it's quite depressing, especially as he's at the whining/bolting age.

I went to bed at 7pm last night as didn't have anything to do!

meandcoffeeequalhappy · 18/05/2014 08:26

A HV pointed out to me that 1:3 relationships experience abuse, so you know, 1:3 of those picnics are families putting on a front but they are deeply unhappy. It helps me put any envy into perspective a bit, and actually makes me feel quite proud that I have left a bad marriage behind and moved on, and that the children and I are now a complete family unit with no bits missing. Try and find some new friends with children so you can spend time out with a small group, that helps too and can be lots of fun.

Lioninthesun · 18/05/2014 09:08

I'm really gagging to do something active like canoeing/rock climbing/abseiling - outdoorsy things. I'd really like to go with a group to do these things and know DD was happily playing for the twenty mins I was scaling a rock face before abseiling down. That's the hard bit, not having anyone to hold onto them for half an hour while you do something. In a group that isn't an issue. Anyway, I've contacted my MN Local lady and suggested a tag/topic in Local for LP meet ups, so we shall see how we go.

deerkitty · 18/05/2014 15:18

I know how you feel I'm the same, I'm desperately lonely. Single parents meet up would be good.

AmIthatSpringy · 18/05/2014 16:29

Blondie you always get people replying to these type of posts with the stats about how many families are actually happy, etc.

But do you know what, you are fine to feel like that. It is fucking awful when things are going on, and you look around and see that you are the only one without a partner.

I can't offer anything constructive other than to say I feel what you are feeling.

I have a lot of dealings with a local charity, that DD uses, they were having a Gala ball this weekend.

Lots of pics on facebook and twitter.

I would have loved to have gone, but my experiences as a LP have shown that these sorts of events are not for me.

I have occasionally, at other events, asked other men to dance, to get evils and whispering of man stealing from others.

So I reckon, this is another thing that I have to accept I am unwelcome at

(Actually, there was one old biddy her on MN that called me pathetic because I had male friends.) Her name was Sad somethinng, which about summed her up

But I digress.

OP, feel bad, cry a bit and then straighten your shoulders the next day.

Because we have to be all things to our children, and we can do it

positively9something · 18/05/2014 17:10

I hate it too I was just talking with another single mum friend today about it and one thing she said stood out for me, she said I find it hard to enjoy being with the dc's. I really do find it hard too.

I love my dd so much but I hate it being just us all the time. I hate being the only person responsible for her, I hate the fact that I need to earn so much money in order to survive as I need to pay childcare while her dad can survive on crap wages as he doesn't pay any childcare. Or i have to always just scape by, and I am so dam fed up and lonely all the time.

Sorry I know I sound so negative but I have been feeling this way for some time now and it's so draining.

Raskova · 18/05/2014 17:22

Just because people are in these 'happy' family units doesn't mean they don't feel lonely. I go to all the fayres alone, I do everything alone and when I get home there's someone who can't bear to look at me.

You may be lonely and hope for a family unit but this will come in time. Sometimes it's better to be unhappy alone than with someone

AmIthatSpringy · 18/05/2014 17:32

positively I know these are meant to be thanks, but fuck it, have some [thanks}

I feel just like you. I definitely don't need patronising "me toos" from coupled up folk

You have no idea what it's like to be totally alone.

Presumably those ignored by their OHs are still benefitting from their wages?

Some of us do EVERYTHING ourselves. We have no second salary, we have no weekends off, we have no respite, we have nothing

AmIthatSpringy · 18/05/2014 17:32

Aw I meant

Raskova · 18/05/2014 17:44

No I'm not benefiting from his wages. Never have.

I'll explain my situation a bit more. We are separated because he is of no support to me physically or financially. We have to live together because we have a mortgage and have to pay a few thousand if we leave before the fixed term is up and various other reasons.

If we do go out together for DDs sake, you would assume we were a happy family because we can tolerate being awkward friends.

Raskova · 18/05/2014 17:46

And they're not patronising. They're simply trying to tell you that for now, you're in the best position being single. And remind you the grass isn't always greener

positively9something · 18/05/2014 17:47

Ami thanks

I understand others may feel terribly lonely in relationships but I do have to agree with ami and say that hopefully you are benefiting from having another adult at home to at least provide financially for the children!

I am beside myself trying to work pug if I should stay part time it push myself into a full time sales job which will be all based on hitting targets and even then I may not bring home enough money to support us and pay for childcare.

positively9something · 18/05/2014 17:48

Ras - I think I posted while you were posting

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