reasonable contact for kids with ex and me.

[fluffybunnies246]

Hi. Ex moved out nearly 2 years ago due to his unreasonable behaviour. We've been struggling to find a good contact solution. Currently, kids (ages 7,6 and 3) go to his on Saturday lunchtime/afternoon, stay Sat night, come back Sunday lunchtime/afternoon. He also pops around a couple of eves a week to do bath/story. The problem with this is that I never get to do anything with the kids at the weekend...as we are waiting around Sat morning, and v little time to do anything by the time they get back, except nag them to do their homework. And during the week he does tend to turn up a bit later than I'd like, and then wants to leave again asap so it's not as if I can do anything during this time (I would like to go to yoga or back to my running club but he's not prepared to stay on)

I suggested he have them every other weekend, for longer, and a night during the week if he likes. Then I would have them the other weekend and we could do 'stuff'. He is not happy about this and says I am being 'spiteful' and not acting in the best interests of the children. I've spoken to the kids about the plan and they are ok with it.

I've had difficulty throughout the breakup coming to terms with everything, and have just gone through a particularly bad patch emotionally. I feel that I need to draw some boundaries...sounds a bit odd...but to try and protect myself emotionally. I feel like I need some distance- I don't want him coming around to my house during the week whilst I wait downstairs!

Am I being completely unreasonable?

probably best to add that he does not appear to be keen to have the kids during the week, and is also not keen to have them longer at the weekend. He goes out every Friday (perhaps why he doesn't want them then) and tends to do work stuff Sunday evening. I suspect that he doesn't want them during the week as he doesn't want any limits on how much he works/what he does during the week.

You are being perfectly reasonable. If he wants to prioritise his night out over having his children then he really has no room to complain. I would suggest that he either has them EOW or every week on a Friday evening through to Saturday and then that give you Sunday with your kids if he doesn't want to do that then every other Saturday as it stands just now.

There has to be come and go here and it sounds like he wants you are the kids to fit in around his social life which is ridiculous. Your time with your children is more important than him going on the lash in my opinion.

I would work out a few different options and then give him the choice but make it clear that the current situation is not working any more and something has to change.

I agree and if he's so keen to do bath and bed then he'll have the perfect opportunity when they stay at his midweek, there's no reason for him to be in your space at any point for contact.

You also deserve to spend some proper time with the DCs at the weekend and it's also important for contact with their dad to be regular, so once a week on a Tues or Weds and then a proper spell at the weekend is the most sensible solution, which is why it is so common.

thanks easytigress and foreskinhyena I was starting to question myself. It's good to know that I am not the only person that thinks this would be a good idea.

Don't question your self when you know you are trying to the right thing by your children. You are trying to make sure that they get equal free/quality time with their parents. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I meant to say also that you are under no obligation to have your ex in your home. Especially if it makes you uncomfortable. I think as long as you offer up a few workable solutions he can never accuse you of being obstructive and if he does it is to serve his own purpose.

Do not feel guilty about this. It seems like he's had it his way for a long time and that it's not for the benefit of your children but more to make sure there is minimal disruption to his (extra) work life and social life.

to do*

Fluffy, I have been there. My XH used to come and do bath and bed but when we sold the house a year later, I stopped it. I didn't like him thinking he could waltz into my home anytime he liked while I just hung about downstairs. He hated it, went mad, had his solicitor write me threatening letters, etc etc. But at the end of the day it is your home, not his. I offered overnight midweek contact, which he refused. The compromise is he comes after work one day a week and takes them to the park or out for an ice cream of its too dark in winter. I have to accept that once a week they are out later than I'd like, but it's a compromise.

We started every weekend with him having them Fri night to sat eve, I got sat night and Sunday. But I found it frustrating he kept changing times, needing to drop back early, for various other commitments. We went to eow, Fri night to sun eve, which works much better. He has no excuse to change /mess them about, we both get whole weekend opportunities to go away with our without kids. Means living out of a diary to a strict schedule but works much better. Good luck, stand your ground, you are absolutely thinking in the right. X

We used to do one night a week when they were little and switched to alternate weekends at about that age, which does give you more solid time with them as well as while child-free weekends. You could suggest Friday til Sunday teatime, which would enable your ex to do his work stuff and is also quite nice to have than w back home then to get ready for school the next day.

Do the kids have a view? It is about balancing everyone's needs though. You want more solid time with them. Your ex likes Friday nights out and also to work on a Sunday. Those are all normal things to want. Your own needs matter too as adults.

thanks everyone. The smaller kids are happy to go along with whatever it seems...the biggest kid has repeatedly expressed frustration that we are never able to do things together (as there are quite a few things that I do that daddy doesn't and vice versa). Yes eminor I would have thought a longer weekend would be more 'chilled'.

letitgo that is exactly the problem I have...I never know from one week to the next what is happening we're either waiting around for him, or he's trying to drop the kids off early and I'm not even in the house as no-one told me!!

Well...he's still not happy- he's been trying to get my parents on his side...which hasn't worked as they think my suggestion is more reasonable. Thanks for all the experiences/advice I am now going to stick to my guns. Thank you again xxxxx