What to do when you feel you can't cope?

[Anasisme126]

I'm a lone parent with a 6 year old A whos dad has nothing to do with her and has never helped in supporting her financially. We split when she was 4 months old after he has an affair. He does from time to time however cause trouble for myself and my family ie turning up at my work kicking off and the same for my family members and his family. Although A has never known her dad she does see her paternal family (as he also has nothing to do with his own family).

However, 3 years ago I started seeing someone I thought was different (I also around this time when back to work full time). We split last year and I found out I was pregnant with his child when it was too late to have any options (as we had been careful and I did not want anymore children). My second daughter is now 3 months old and I feel trapped.

Her father has not seen her since she was born and ignored all of my messages etc during the pregnancy. He will not help out or support his daughter. His family have ie his mother and sister have been to see her once and since then continually promise to come and see her at the end of the month but have said that for the last 2 months and then not bothered.

I do not have much support from my own family (my dad has recently had a heart attack, my mom passed away 6 years ago and my brother and sister live in their own little worlds and simply do not understand).

Since my second daughter was born I feel so angry all of the time and resenting the fact that I am having to do it all alone. I find myself constantly thinking about putting them both in care and just disappearing. I feel like I can't do this.

I love my first daughter A but feel like I can't bond with my second E although I care for her - I feel like its because I have to, put on a brave face and do what everyone expects rather than because I want to. I find myself wishing she wasn't here and then hate myself for it.

Whilst I have never really agreed with abortion per ser I find myself wishing I'd found out sooner I was pregnant so I could have done something to prevent myself being in this position.

To add insult to injury my workplace have recently informed me that the office I worked out is to be closed and I can either take redundancy or commute 50 miles to the nearest office. I had intended to return to work when E is 6 months old but feel that this will now not work as I do not drive.

It almost feels like the walls are closing in and my instincts are telling me to run. It just all feels too much. My doctor prescribed anti depressants but after 2 months they do not seem to be working. I never wanted to be a single parent let alone a single parent to two children who have different dads and I can only imagine what people think.

It sounds like you may be suffering from PND too. If you feel like the anti depressants aren't working, go back to the doctor and tell him this. He may be able to prescribe you a higher dosage or something completely different.

oh I really feel for you - it can feel dreadful and isolating and frankly, shit, dealing with two on your own. Mine are now 2 and 4 and I've been on my own since 1st DC was a toddler and I was pg.

I agree that it sounds like PND is a major factor - and frankly it's not surprising!! Get thee to the GP and ask for a higher dose, plus talking therapy of some kind. It will help, it just takes time.

In the meantime, some really practical things I did that I can recommend are:

• Go to your local Children's Centre and ask about lone parents playgroups, and also Freedom and Pattern Changing (I'd be surprised if your relationships have been amazingly good given how the fathers of your DD's have behaved :( not trying to be dramatic, but it's worth thinking about whether you have had otherwise decent relationships or actually been shat on by some nasty bastards?) The courses I did to deal with my shitty relationships did a few good things for me, firstly they introduced me to other single parents who 'got' what I was dealing with. Secondly, they came with a creche - two blessed hours of adult time a week. Thirdly, they introduced me to the CAB lady, referred me for counselling quicker than the GP could, and did various other helpful things like checking my benefits, got me a freezer when mine died etc. It was a lifeline.

• Call for a homestart volunteer to start visiting. They will chat with you, play with the baby while you get on with some stuff. Help out a bit with basic bits around the house. Mostly just be a friendly, reliable face showing up every week for a bit. Again, a lifeline!

And vent on here. You are going to get through this, and you are a good mum. It's brutal doing the early stuff on your own. Don't beat yourself up any more, and ask for as much help as you possibly can. You are not the only person who has been through this. We are all over the place! And most of us want friends just like us too :) Stuff what anyone thinks of how you got here. Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind DON'T matter.

Xx

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except I'm pregnant with the 2nd dc and already struggling. Whereabouts in the uk are you? I recommend children's centres, I'm hoping to rely on mine a bit.

Hi, I just wanted to stick my ore in!

My son's 6 and I had a similar situation when I was pregnant with him (ie we'd already split up etc - we don't see him now either).

The first thing that you need to do is take a deep breath and draw a line under your ex partner. Accept that he's gone and that it's just you three from now on.

Then you need to know that it's OK to find parenting difficult. SureStart can be a good start to find support that you need to be able to move on. Even just going to a group or two a week can be good landmarks in your routine that get you out of the house and having the beginnings of a support network.

With regard to what people think - you may think that people are judging you, but most of them have their own dramas to contend with.

Things will get easier.