Ex asking dd to keep secrets from me

[enderwoman]

I have been separated from EA ex for 18 months.

Ex seems to keep asking dd (11 years old) to keep secrets from me. (Is he being EA to her?)

1. Ex crashed his car while texting and hit another car. The accident resulted in his bumper coming off the car. He told dd not to tell me because Id be ballistic at both of them and stop them seeing each other. I have reassured dd that she can not be responsible for another person's behaviour (she assumed he meant that Id expect her to tell her dad not to text while driving) and that accidents happen but not telling me is not good. She might have had a nightmare or want to talk about the incident but I had no clue it had happened so couldn't be appropriately sympathetic.

1. He was seeing dd without gf there. (She was ow) but badgered dd into seeing her at every contact. Dd didn't want to but couldn't say no to her Dad so had been seeing gf at every contact. I had no idea that she was unhappy about it and doing it under duress. I thought that she met gf last Sept but she was told to keep it secret from me in Jan. Dd knows that I don't mind her seeing her Dad's gf but the fact that she was asked to lie is very bad.

1. Ex and his gf fight a lot. He told dd not to tell me. It came to light when a concerned neighbour called the police and they called me to pick her up. We were married 13 years and he'd never been physically abusive but according to dd she has seen/heard physical abuse I both sides.

1. Came to light yesterday. I tried to talk to ex about 2 last year but was told I was jealous and it was none of my business. With regards to 3 I have told ex that he has to see dd without his gf there. This means he sees her for an hour twice a week because gf won't stay at her parent's house so dd can stay. What should I do about these situations that seem to keep on cropping up?

I've let smaller things go like ex watching 18 rated movies with dd but is there anything that I can say or do about these lies?

It's unfair to be putting your DD in a position like that and he has no right to. How is her relationship with dad in general? I'd email him letting him know the pressure he's putting dd in with wanting her to lie. It's unhealthy and wrong. You need to underline to him in the email how it is affecting her and how it's all come spilling out.

If he has such little disregard for his daughter's emotional and mental wellbeing then he's a shit bag.

If he continues asking her to lie then I'd suggest to him to only see her for the time being in his parents presence as like you said, yes, he is being EA to her by asking her to lie. It might sound harsh to want him to have some third party involved for a while but he would have brought it on himself if he can't take note of your concerns. At the end of the day it's about what's best for your DD.