NC as think my ex knows my NN...
I have a DD who has just turned 4. I left ex when she was 1 as he was EA and FA. When I left he had never been on his own with DD, mainly through his choosing as he would rather be out than at home with us and then DD barely knew him so would be difficult with him and he never wanted to work at sorting this out. I suggested that we work out a plan for him to spend a few hours alone with DD initially and get to know her, progressing to EOW at his and a mid week contact as well. He refused this and took me to court. We then had a long battle in court over about 10 months during which he saw DD for 6 hours on either a Saturday or sunday every weekend. DD seemed ok with this. Court order was placed stating that DD, who was 2 by this time, should stay with ex Friday to sunday EOW and half of school holidays. So that is what has been happening for nearly 2 years now....
DD has never been happy about staying at his. At 4, its difficult to get her to say why, but recently she has started saying more about it, including his house is dirty, she doesn't like sleeping at his first wife's house (who he has 2 older children with), doesn't like it when he "pops to the shops and leaves me on my own with the puppy", and various other things. She says he shouts at her and gets cross and she doesn't have toys to play with and he won't play with her. I try to take things with a pinch of salt as I know she is young.
She has always cried when I tell her she is going to his whether it is the day he is due to arrive, the day before, a few days before, and gets worried and says she doesn't want to go. However when he arrives she cries a bit and goes, and seems generally ok when she returns. Yesterday however, was very different. She was screaming and crying and kicking her feet so I couldn't put her down and saying she "just wanted to stay with mummy" He tried everything saying that they would go to the fair, see his sister, walk the dog, go to the toy shop, but she wouldn't go and kept crying. I said I didn't think she should have to go if she was that upset and didn't want to, and maybe she could stay with me and talk it over and he could pick her up this morning and take her out for the day instead. He refused saying that it was his right to see her and if I didn't make her go he would take me back to court. He then started dragging up hoe unreasonable I was about access to start with and calling me names in front of DD. I tried to disengage and not retaliate but he was very confrontational and I was a bit scared TBH. I am a complete wimp when it comes to confrontation, especially with him as he is a bully and I will admit he scares me. I have tried to be more assertive because of my DD but I still struggle.
We reached an agreement which I suggested and he agreed that he would take her for lunch and then she could call me and if she was still upset she could come home but if not she could go to his. She wasn't happy but stopped kicking and screaming and begrudgingly went with him. He then called an hour later and said that she was still upset but he thought she'd "get over it" and he was on his way back to his. I asked to talk to her and he said I couldn't as it would just upset her again and "she needs to grow up and get on with it as this is how its going to be for her".
I really don't know what to do to help her. I never badmouth him in front of her, talk about him when she wants to, encourage their relationship, get cards with her for Christmas/birthdays/fathers day despite her not really wanting to and knowing he does not do the same , but she still seems so sad about going. I thought she would have got used to it by now and it would be easier for her, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I can't afford to go back to court and don't see what it would achieve as she is too young for her opinion to be considered, and he won't listen to me if I say anything about what she doesn't like but I hate seeing my DD so upset by it all and don't know what to do.
Sorry this has turned out to be so long but I wanted to include everything I thought was relevant. If any one has any advice I would be very grateful. Many thanks.