Residence order

[rainbowshine1]

Hi, Im new to this and after some advise.
Split with the Ex last year and moved from the family home with one of my children, youngest age 4. Two older boys stayed with dad 10 & 8. Things got messy, he accused me of all sorts and when he found out Id met someone else he threw both boys through my door with their cases. Oldest was adamant he wanted to go back so I let him.
Ex has accused me of all sorts, child abuse, stalking him etc, I was issued with a Harassment warning for dropping a xmas present off on xmas eve!
The children have very little contact, my eldest has socail services invloved with him as hes alweays in trouble at school, its been a long hard slog trying to get them involved as hes clearly at risk of emotial abuse. I suggested contact of alternate weekends and two nights for tea. That way the children spend almost everyday together. Ex refused this. He has stated on many occasion he isnt my sitter, he'll see themw hen it suits him and on the days he has arranged to collect them, he failed to turn up. Its breaks their heart sat there with their cases packed.
Recently he and my elsdest went on holiday without even letting me know, without even asking the other two children.
I moved house last weekend and was unable to make contact with him to advise him. Both the police and SS advised me NOT to give him my address, obv this had got his back up, hes now ringing my solicitor, schools even followed me home to try and get my address.

he does have a violent past, some years ago though, he spent a week in prison and did some god awful things to our home etc.

Now hes advised hes going for full residence. Im scared stiff. The police dont believe me when I report him for sitting outside my house, SS have only just started to come round to what Im telling them, the police wouldnt even act when I told them he'd followed me depite me being sat at the station having a full blown panic attack "cant prove it" they said.

Whats the chances of him getting residence, especially since siblings are split?
Ill be honest, Im keeping the children from him till he gets it on paper exactly when he is going to collect them and bring them back, Im sick off them being hurt and let down. They do miss him though.

My relationship with my eldest is not very good, simply because hes been alienated, SS are aware of this too.
Any help would be much appreciated.

He's not going to get a residence order - as of the 22nd of last month the court system changed. It'll be a `Child Arrangements Order'.

Which makes me think he is trying to scare you. Does he actually know what he means? If he means he's going to become the primary carer (i.e. your DS' time with you is going to be drastically decreased and with his dad is going to be drastically increased)...extremely unlikely.

The fact that it'd be splitting siblings reduces his chances too.

Courts work on the principle of the `no order' principle - they want to do the bear minimum to achieve the best interests of the child and the status quo is a powerful weapon. In other words, the court is only going to go along with what he wants if he can demonstrate that on the balance of probabilities that doing nothing would cause your DS harm. Furthermore - with what you've described it's even more unlikely.

TLDR: Don't worry. He's trying to scare you.

Oh - sorry, re-read that and need to qualify my last post.

If the child lives with him most of the time that WILL be a factor. There is still no such thing as a residence order' though. The wording of the new Child Arrangements Order' says who the child lives with though.

Hi, thanks. Yes one with him and two with me. Thats my concern, however SS are involved with the child that lives with him and not the childrent hat live with me. Ive had this threat before from him but my solicitor spoke to him and is fairly confident hes going for it this time. Would the fact that Im keeping the children from him look bad on my part? Dont get me wrong, they need contact by all means but I just want something concrete where I know they arent going to be getting let down all the time.

I think you need to be very clear you are not stopping contact but that been let down is damaging your children.

You solicitor should be on this and have sent him a letter explaining why...

I wanted to avoid court with my Ex but in the end decided that if he had a court order then continued to let DS it would almost be last chance saloon.

I had a calendar with each cancellation and reasons why ..These things are helpful

Thanks Starlight, this is what I mean, I do want to go to court just so it will be finalised and on paper. Then if he does let them down, it can be logged as such what a complete letdown he is! My solicitor just said to let him get on with it, at his cost. We havent sent any letters out etc.

he wants the other children to live with him too?

so is he asking for all the children to live with him? or just to formalise that eldest lives with him?

Hes saying he wants all 3 children with him. Before I moved he emailed me to say the days I suggested didnt suit him, hed see the kids when it suited him and it "wouldnt be any time soon" The only reason hes doing this now is cause Im moved and the children have moved primary schools and hes annoyed I didnt tell him - it all happened so fast, viewed the school on the Friday and they started on the Tuesday, he was away on his boys holiday and I couldnt contact him.

I wouldn't panic. Unless there is agreement children cases usually take sometime to investigate and there are hearings and reviews before the court makes a determination. It's extremely unlikely the courts will disrupt the children's sense of security or established bonds by changing the status quo. That is unless there is independent evidence from professionals working with family that the children aren't surviving satisfactorily in the care of a parent.

If there have been recent incidences of abuse you can provide supplementary information (Form C1A). Allegations which can be corroborated by evidence carry significant weight, but a judge will have difficulty choosing between two versions of events without evidence.

At the first hearing if no agreement is reached the judge can make an order for interim arrangements so the children will have some routine. Either your ex will discover he can't just see the children to suit himself, or show his true colours if he doesn't adhere to the arrangements.

Ive just come off the phone from social services - my eldest who lives with him has a social worker. They are coming to see me this week, they are just waiting on police reports...she said there has been allegation of DV - I imagine these accusations are about me, all false. he once locked me out after a night out, after finally getting in the house at 3am, he taunted me and I ended up shouting at him, obv I was annoyed at being stood on the doorstep for 3 hrs! He then left the house with 2 of our kids, left the youngest with me and went to his mothers where he then called the police! Nothing ever came of it, it was just logged. He also took my eldest recently to the local police station to accuse me of child abuse, apparently Id hit my 11 yr old. When the police spoke to my son, he told them I hadnt done anything and I was simply stopping him from leaving the house "cause I was being a brat" as he put it.
How are DV allegations established? Does the above make me a violent person? Im certainly not....I am hotheaded or I was, but that was simply down to being in a rubbish relationship where I didnt want to be.

Bearing in mind in 2007 he smashed our house up 4 times with a hammer, smeared dog shit all over the walls, was arrested for running erratically round the streets with a carving knife, in the end he did a week on remand for affray and all 3 children were on the child protection register......will this go against him in court? He was diagnosed with psychosis, no loger taking medication for it. Was however as far as I know prescribed diazapame when i left in may 2013.

it would be routine for sw to follow up if allegation was made to police. just calmly give your version of events. cooperate fully - you have nothing to hide. if you pushed or shoved ds to stop him leaving (why did you want to stop him leaving?) explain how/why if asked.

just say "there are police records involving exp, which I am sure you are fully aware of" and let them chase them up.

which means if you had a harassment warning that will show too...

Thats what Im worrying over...its not a warning as such, its a "Police Information Notice" It states its not a criminal record or a caution, its just to say they have advised me to stay away. When I was given it I was told "dont worry, its just to say Ive been to see you, he will be signing one too" Turns out that was lie! I ended up making a complaint...tricked into signing it. By right it should be null and void by now because he seems intent on trying to antagonise me!

I cant stop thinking / worrying. Can someone put my mind at rest?
Looks like SS put a contact suggestion to the ex and hes refused it (alternate weekends), not confirmed as of yet but it appears he has, then it looks like hes actually sat doesn and spoke to a solcitor and then changed his mind. Hes said he wants all 3 together ALL the time "not just 4 nights a month". Its even taken a friend of his and his mother to remind him its not about him, its about whats best for the kids, his response was "its whose got the best brief"
He obviously doing the usual and accusing me of all sorts....alchi / druggie / abuser.....I like a a glass of wine on a Friday but that as far as it goes and I'll hold my hands up, Im quick tempered and "shouty" (something Im working on).
Ive been MORE than reasonable in offering him contact.

My question is, whats the chances of a judge taking the kids from me and sending them to live with him? He works long hrs leavin at 7am so god knows how he would get them to school, I imagine he'd have to move their school. Ive read they only do this in EXTREME circumstance? SS have spoken to the kids and are more than happy with everything.

Im just a normal mum, works full time, goes home spends time with my kids......Just sick to death of worrying all the time and feeling like I should be on Jeremey Kyle, whens my life gonna just be "normal"?

In my experience...no chance they are going to be moved to his home from an established loving environment with their usual caregiver.

His refusal to SS won't endear him to them

the solicitors have little power..but are a useful, impartial source of information and removes the emotion from any negotiations..if you do end up in court it will be the Cafcass officer or your own social worker who makes the recommendations and a judge who will rule. You don't have to say yes to anything unreasonable and you don't have to be perfect yourself.

The status quo has to be pretty bad for a judge to change it substantially.

Thanks. I just cant seem to shake off the worry and the sick feeling I have....Tuesday cant come quick enough. My hopes are pinned on trying to sort this out at the first hearing. Im putting forward alternate weekends and two nights for tea in the week, the eldest (who lives with him) would come to me on the other weekend and again for 2 nights for tea, that way the kids spend 7 evenings a week together, also shared half term over night stays.
Is it a possibility it could be sorted at first hearing?

It may be that he will lose residence. Turning a child against its mother is emotional abuse so he might lose everything.

It's not unusual for them to bluster like this when hey know they are losing control, be careful, I would seek help from a refuge if you feel unsafe.

"It may be that he will lose residence. Turning a child against its mother is emotional abuse so he might lose everything."

Really - you think? He's 11 though and its not what he wants. He terrified of leaving his dad, when I first left last year ex sent us all a suicide text, 11 yr old son received it too :( We found him up a tree with a rope round his neck (was never gonna do it, hasnt got the balls!!) .....he denies it all now and my sons O2 account has been conveiniently shut down and I have no evidence but this is the reason I think he stays. I accept he doesnt want to come to me, granted its not in his best interest but I know that if he was forced to he would only runn back to his dad.

I don't 'think', OP stated that SS are aware that he is manipulating her son against him.

*you OP

Yes, sorry.... I just didnt think that would be an option with 11 yr old not wanting to come to me.
I think I just need to calm down and wait for this socail services report to come through...at least then I might have a better understanding of where we are at, hopefully get that in the next day or so.