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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex wants to be there on DD's first day at school :(

24 replies

AFishCalledBarry · 08/05/2014 18:13

He's moved away and has shown no interest in visiting the school she's going to. While he still lived near us he had her EOW but since February he's seen her approximately once a month for either one or two days at a time.

Her first day will be such a big deal for me. I do everything with and for her and he does fuck all yet now he wants to barge his way in. I know IABU (which is why I'm posting here rather than in AIBU!) but it's really upset me. I selfishly want that moment for me and DD and now he's going to ruin it for me :(

I need a grip don't I?

OP posts:

JellyBeansHaveNoAgeLimit · 08/05/2014 18:17

I totally get why you'd feel that way! Could yo compromise & say one parent picks her up and the other drops her off? Or maybe you could 'accidentally' tell him the wrong day...

HolgerDanske · 08/05/2014 18:18

You'll have the night before, and the morning, and the afternoon after when she'll come back all proud of herself and eager to tell you about her day. He'll show up for 5 minutes. But of course I understand why you're upset, and I'm sure I'd feel the same way.

You'll be ok. Hugs.

First day at big school is such a big step

tribpot · 08/05/2014 18:29

I need a grip don't I?

You do really. I fully understand why you don't want to share this special moment but you might as well get used to it. There are going to be plenty of other occasions where he shows up to get the photo to put on Facebook whilst completely failing as a parent. But he is her dad.

I don't see why his presence should ruin it for you - you barely have to speak to him. Just concentrate on your dd.

Swannery · 08/05/2014 18:39

Hopefully it will be nice for your DD to have him there. Suggests that he cares about her (whether he does or not). If he behaves ok towards her, I'd encourage more involvement, not less.

starlight1234 · 08/05/2014 18:46

Do I understand your feelings completely. Do I think you should stop him no.

Will you be walking to school, arrange to meet him at time to go to school.. You will of had the pic in the uniform , it is you will of done her hair, helped her into her uniform.

and you know when she grows up she will appreciate this.

The other thing to consider going in while it is a big moment the most exciting part is collecting them and hearing all about their first day..I was waiting about 15 minutes before the gate even opened .

MrsMaturin · 08/05/2014 18:50

It is important for the person your dd grows up to be that she has the best relationship with her dad and the best memories of him that she possibly can.

He sounds very inadequate BUT he is right in that this is a big day for her and if he is making the effort to come back and be there, well don't put out flags but do think about how you can parent together.

You're the one with the primary relationship. Him showing up here won't change that. Hopefully though it will mean that dd remembers her first day of school as one where she knew how much her parents cared about her. Both of them. That IS important.

Original poster

AFishCalledBarry · 08/05/2014 19:06

I know you're all right. I've encouraged and facilitated his relationship with her massively and he's thrown it all back in my face more times than I can count.

The school is over the road from my house so he'll pitch up here at goodness knows what time (because he's always stupidly early for everything) and I know it will feel like a complete invasion.

Oh well. At least it's come up now and I have time to get used to it.

OP posts:

tribpot · 08/05/2014 19:14

Why can't he meet you at school?

Original poster

AFishCalledBarry · 08/05/2014 19:34

Because school is literally outside my house and he wouldn't want to be seen having to wait out there. Plus he'd just be a twat if I asked him to do that and I'm sure DD would want him to come in.

OP posts:

starlight1234 · 08/05/2014 19:37

I would say meet you are the school gate we can walk her in together.

Also this is one morning in September. A very significant one but you will drive yourself insane thinking about this till then.

You will have already dropped her for induction sessions, and you never know he may not turn up for the day.

I know exactly what you mean about having it thrown back in your face. If you stop making the effort you will simply find what level of commitment he wants will make.

mammadiggingdeep · 08/05/2014 20:30

I think you need to remember its a big day for her too. If she remembers it, won't it be lovely for her to know that both parents loved her enough to want to be there (whatever you think his reasons are, that's how she'll see it).

Her school life will be a lot longer than the first day- you'll share most of it with her, you'll be the one chatting to her that night when you tuck her in etc etc.

Original poster

AFishCalledBarry · 08/05/2014 20:45

Thank you. I need this. I need to rise above it and make it about DD not me.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 12/05/2014 23:13

disconnect the door bell and if you have a porch lock it. alternatively shut the curtains over the front door. (make shift ones if you have to and prentend you can nothear him. you can then have a special time doing a photo and then he can join you for all your special time of actually going to the school.

be not dressed until the last minute, alternatively.

whattodoforthebest2 · 13/05/2014 08:58

I think he should be there. As a LP who has attended numerous parents' evenings on my own due to stubbornness of ex who won't attend because I'm there, I only have DD(15) at school now. He's never attended a parent's evening for her and she's very aware of it. He sees the DC often but they are aware that he's never had the courage to attend with me.

It's in her best interests after all.

Secretagent0017 · 13/05/2014 11:26

I don't think you can class her dad as barging his way in, as it's his daughter. You are lucky that he is happy to be there at the same time as you. My husband and his ex do not see eye to eye and he has explained this to his 16 year old daughter. It would be more stressful for my partners daughter if both parents turned up so I don't agree with you whattodoforthebest on that one I'm afraid. It sounds like another way to dig your ex out to your daughter. But OP bite the bullet on this one and just think it's nice that your daughters first day will have mummy and daddy there even though you know he's a twat! X

ForeskinHyena · 13/05/2014 12:27

Her dad will want to be there for lots of significant events in the future. As hard as it is for you, that is a good thing for your dd so try to be amicable and show her that you both love her.

whattodoforthebest2 · 13/05/2014 14:44

Secret - it would only be as stressful as we choose to make it, ie I would be friendly and amenable for her sake, putting our differences aside. She would definitely prefer us both to be there and she asks him every time, nevertheless he won't have any of it.

cutefluffybunnes · 13/05/2014 14:55

I agree that it's best for her that he be there (although I fully understand why it's hard for you), but if you're not normally in the habit of letting him into your home... don't. Meet him at the school across the street. DD will be excited to see him and he can meet the teacher and all that.

If you are fine most other times with him coming in, then great. But don't make an exception for this. Better to have you two get along for a short period at the school than to strain credibility and start bickering on her special day! :)

nocheeseinhouse · 13/05/2014 20:11

Meet him at school, but he's not 'barging his way in'- he's sharing an important day in DD's life.

I only wish my DC's dad would care enough to even make that effort.

Biggirlsdontcrymuch · 15/05/2014 14:22

Similar thing happened to me and the day ended up being fine. It was very brief and we both concerntrated on our son.

Whattodoforthebest2 why is your ex so upset with you??

sezamcgregor · 15/05/2014 14:49

It's a long time until September - and you still get to go uniform shopping, getting her hair cut, frilly socks and night before trying on the uniform, photographs and going to get school shoes!

The more you protest about it, the more he'll be an arse - so better just say "yup, please do come, I'd not want you to miss it" - chances are he'll be "busy" on the day anyway.

Then you get to drop her off, and go back to your empty house and have a nice cup of tea and twiddle your thumbs/spy out of the window until it's time to pick her up - then bring her home and have her tell you in dribs and drabs (between forgetting everything) about her exciting day! You may never find out what she ate for lunch ;)

whattodoforthebest2 · 15/05/2014 18:36

BigGirls - I don't know really, I tend to think he's angry and frustrated that things haven't worked out the way he might have expected them to. He had an affair and left me with 3DC. They're now married with another 3DC. I'm single. I got a fair divorce settlement. He argues a lot with my DSs - comes from a family of 'sulkers' where various people haven't spoken to various others in the family for years/lifetimes. I haven't got time for all that. I put my DC first and would put everything else to one side for their sake. XH "wants nothing to do with me". Not a lot I can do about it.

Biggirlsdontcrymuch · 15/05/2014 18:58

Whattodo - Ugh sulking men - nothing worse!! It's sad he wants nothing to do with you, it's amazing how these men can forget all the positives from a marriage that must have been there in the beginning. I bet he didn't expect to be married and have another 3 kids!! My ex re married and I am single I often wonder if he realised the grass isn't always greener.

Sorry OP we have hijacked your thread!!!

whattodoforthebest2 · 15/05/2014 19:29

BigGirls - I wasn't surprised he got married again and had kids - she's 15 yrs his junior and was his sec .... cliche anyone?

Sorry OP

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