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Lone parents

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Original poster

She should be ashamed.

26 replies

fedupbutfine · 07/05/2014 22:41

The woman my ex left me for was awful. Truly awful. My children haven't seen her now for 3 years and he's had several live-in girlfriends since her...but this evening, she came up in conversation. We discussed how she had taken the toy of my middle child - 2 at the time, now 7 - and put it in the bin. It was a toy he loved and was carrying around with him everywhere. My ex stood by and watched it happen. Eldest was 5 at the time.

We were discussing it as we were driving along. And when I looked in my mirror, my 7 year old was sobbing. Huge, hot tears, heaving shoulders, total out and out sobbing. I'm pretty sure he won't have any real memory of what happened...but so many years later, she's able to do this to him. I am so upset. So angry. What gave that woman the right to hurt my children in this way? why behave in that way? she was a mother of young children, she had been involved in ripping a family into a million pieces, she had what she wanted. Why do that to an innocent child? I'll never know, will I?

OP posts:
gertiegusset · 07/05/2014 22:47

That is so sad, thank goodness she's no longer in their lives.
Poor little chap.

tribpot · 07/05/2014 22:50

Why do that to an innocent child?

You could ask your ex why he stood by and let it happen - to his own son. What a complete shitbag. You may find if you ask your ds (which I wouldn't) the thing that hurt most was the utter betrayal by his own father.

TessTackle · 07/05/2014 22:51

Ooh that's made me really tear up OP. Your poor boy.

I'd like to punch her right in the throat.

starlight1234 · 07/05/2014 22:52

awww poor little lad. what a bitch.

gertiegusset · 07/05/2014 22:54

Yeah, I'm with TessTackle on that.
I read a thing just lately in (I think) the Guardian by a woman who's stepmother had badly abused her and her Dad wouldn't/couldn't see what was going on.

Merel · 07/05/2014 22:58

Perhaps best not to speak about things like this in front of the kids unless they want to talk you about it.

Lioninthesun · 07/05/2014 23:21

What tribpot said. Exp's other woman has probably 'made' him not visit or ask about DD in his eyes, but as far as I can see it is only him who can really make that decision. Don't excuse his behaviour in this.

Insecure women in relationships with men who have kids (especially women without kids themselves), don't usually like sharing their new men with anyone - his kids in particular as they have a blood link with their man and the woman they are trying to get him to forget. Power over the kids/contact is a way to gauge how insecure they are in their relationship. These women think kids are easy to dispose of or scare off it would seem. As long as they get to keep that precious man! Then though they have the quandary of "but if he can do that to his own flesh and blood....." Trust is usually gone the minute they wield that power over the kids. The men wise up in the end, as your ex did. It's a loose loose (+ loose for the kids).

balia · 07/05/2014 23:24

At the time, people feel justified, I suppose. We've all done things in the heat of the moment that we aren't proud of. My DSS's mum used to snatch toys out of his hands, scream abuse, all sorts. She took all his clothes off once and handed him over naked so no clothes of 'hers' would come to our house. But then the clothes from our house would be contaminated so she would make DSS strip off in her hallway and put the clothes into a carrier bag and dress him back in them next handover. She still does this. Thankfully the times when she would damage/destroy the clothes are in the past. There are MH issues, obviously.

Luckily, DSS doesn't (I'm pretty sure) remember any of this and neither DH nor I would dream of telling him about it. I'm with Merel on this one.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 08/05/2014 08:21

Totally with Tribpot here - but also Merel.

What on earth were you doing talking to your children about something so sensitive in a car like any normal conversation???

There's obviously some hurt there, whether it be regarding his Dad, this woman, the split in general, you need to be sensitive to that in what and how you talk about things - and do it at the children's pace.

Please tell me you're not one of those women that badmouths their father and any subsequent women in front of them? Because this is just as damaging as everything you've said in your post!

Standinginline · 08/05/2014 08:26

Why does she have to have been bad mouthing the kids father and his girlfriend ? Mots possible to talk about someone you're not find of without any malice to it ...

Standinginline · 08/05/2014 08:27

Grrr ,bloody autocorrect. That last sentence was meant to say ,it's possible to talk about someone you're not find of without there being any malice there.

cestlavielife · 08/05/2014 09:09

the kids might have brought it up themselves.

it s good they can talk about it.
the op just needs to support and say yes i can understand that was not a nice thing to do. but you dont need to see her any more...

Original poster
fedupbutfine · 08/05/2014 15:24

Sigh.

My youngest child has a new best friend who happens to have the same name as the OW. This has provoked various conversations in recent weeks about the OW because the frequency the name is being mentioned around us has stirred up some old memories which the children themselves have developed into conversation and question.

giantpurplepeopleater I shall refrain from telling you what I'm really thinking about your comments but needless to say, it isn't polite. As a very, very wronged (ex)wife (you have no idea whatsoever), I have bitten my lip continually in the last 6 years about what I really think of their father and what he did to me. It would have been incredibly easy to bad mouth him and put the children in a situation where they felt they had to take sides. I didn't do that and wont' do that although I suspect there will come a time when he forces the issue because badmouthing is his thing. It is a shame that such conclusions are jumped to when I simply wanted to express how I was feeling to people I thought wrongly would understand.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 08/05/2014 15:29

I wonder - can you replace the toy in question? It might give your 7 year old some closure to have the identical thing back in his/her possession.

AskBasil · 08/05/2014 15:29

"What on earth were you doing talking to your children about something so sensitive in a car like any normal conversation??? "

Should parents not talk to their children about sensitive stuff then?

I didn't realise we'd gone back to the Victorian age where there were topics "we don't talk about".

I talk to my kids about anything they want. There are no topics which are off limits.

justtoomessy · 08/05/2014 17:46

The car is supposed to be one of the best places to talk about difficult things though and it is recommended as a way to get your child to open up. There's no eye contact, no distractions.

Sounds awful for you but in a way them being able to now talk openly about that time is a good thing.

littleballerina · 08/05/2014 17:50

Poor chap.
fwiw we have all our best chats in the car (and the bath!).

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 08/05/2014 17:51

Your ex should be more ashamed tbh.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 08/05/2014 22:13

Well reading it back I do come off sounding rather harsher than it did in my head!!

My point was that you're focussing on hate for the OW, when in fact it's your ex who was the real issue.

But also that the description of the conversation, albeit not an indepth one - I recognise that, suggested there might have been an upsetting conversation going on around your 7 yr old and that being in the car meant you weren't picking up on his reaction till it was too late.

It also sounded like you were involved in the conversation, which made me wonder about you giving your opinion on the other woman. But yes, I wasn't there, and will remember not to jump next time.

AskBasil - I didn't say that at all did I, but it makes sense to me to talk about sensitive issues in a way that allows the parent to see and pick up on the body language and queues of the child, and to give them the space and time to deal with it, not as an off hand conversation squeezed in during a busy afternoon. Seems I'm not the only one jumping today.

Pinkballoon · 09/05/2014 09:19

Perhaps if your DC raises it again, you should say something along the lines of "I don't think she was very well and that's why she did not very nice things like that…..." And replace the toy that she disposed of.

But yes, you're ex is equally to blame for allowing this to happen. Strange choice of woman??? Sounds like she had serious issues.

Waltermittythesequel · 09/05/2014 09:26

Nasty, nasty woman!

Years ago my dh's ex threw out all the clothes we had bought for sd. At the time she said her dd wasn't allowed wear clothes from cheap shops.

Sd was upset about the clothes, upset that we'd be upset and on and on.

I just don't get how some people can be so horrible to their own children and your ex very much falls into that category!

Now, in fairness to ex, dh was a total shit some years back (before me, honest!) and I think there was a lot of well deserved anger towards him. But to take it out on a child?

That's never, ever ok.

I'd love to smack her one! Taking a toy from a baby? Angry

bibliomania · 09/05/2014 10:37

I'm with justtoomessy that cars can be good places for hard discussions - it's to do with being facing forward and not looking at each other, and it can be easier to say things to people when you're not looking each other directly in the face.

I agree with not badmouthing people, but it is appropriate to say such-and-such an action was wrong. I think it may be a positive thing for this child to know that his mother is angry on his behalf. His pain is being acknowledged, and I think that's an important thing.

I agree the ex failed as a father, but I still think it was a nasty thing for the girlfriend to do.

Original poster
fedupbutfine · 09/05/2014 18:43

My point was that you're focussing on hate for the OW, when in fact it's your ex who was the real issue

ah yes, it's perfectly fine to abuse small children because their parent has ultimate responsibility for them and therefore has to take responsibility for everyone else's behaviour towards their child....Hmm

One of the persistent refrains you hear on sites like these is 'it's not the OW's fault, your argument isn't with her, it's with your ex'. Is she not in control of her own behaviour or does my ex have to take responsibility for that too? She was an adult, she abused a small child...presumably because she could. That my ex stood by and watched is a different issue and doesn't in any way, shape or form absolve the OW of her own actions.

And for what it's worth, I have no feelings whatsoever towards the OW. I don't know her to hate her. I don't think she's a particularly nice person but as she's never been a part of my life, I have no issue with her whatsoever. She lost far more than I did, that much I do know.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 09/05/2014 21:27

I disagree that you ought to carefully choose place and time to talk about sensitive issues.

There's a reason the car is a place where people talk about intimate issues. Not just families, but work colleagues, friends etc.

Being hung up on time, place etc., can make a bigger deal of something than it needs to be and can distort responses. The very fact that it was a casual conversation, gave the OP's DC permission to respond totally naturally and honestly to the conversation. I don't understand why that's a problem tbh.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 09/05/2014 22:09

fedupbutfine - my point wasn't that it's ok for the OW to have done that - it's not - but that the issue in your childs eyes will most likely be that is was done WHILE HE SAT BY AND WATCHED, and that surely this is far more upsetting to them than having lost the toy, even if they are not readily able to express it in that way.