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need advice of hows best to go about this.....(a bit long)

18 replies

juicychops · 27/08/2006 20:45

My ex and i broke up dec last year and since then he has seen ds twice. He said when he left he didn't want anything to do with him. THen 4 months after he said he does so we made contact arrangements between ourselves which he stuck to for 2 visits. He then said his girlfriend is more important so must spend his spare time with her. he then changed his mind again and said he wants to start seeing our ds but only when he is free(this to him meant a couple of hours a month at most) I ended up getting a solicitor. for the last 4 months he's been sent about 15 letters asking him to put forward to my solicitor regular contact proposals. I dont want him seeing ds until its regular as its not fair on ds to see his dad for an hour or so once a month.but he can see him as much as he wants (or as little) as long as its regular. He has so far come up with the most lamest excuses as to why he hasn't done it any more. His whole family have turnt against me saying im doing it all to get my own back on him for having an affair and im selfish and playing childish games not letting him see hs son. But i AM letting him see his son whenever he wants to, providing he makes it a regular thing. I just dont see how they can think im being unreasonable and he isn't.
Anyway, they have told me that when ds is older they are gunna tell him exactly what kind of a mother i am and what ive done to stop his dad seeing him. What can i do so that my ds when he's older can see the truth and that ive done all this to protect his best interests?

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WideWebWitch · 27/08/2006 20:50

Stay calm, don't slag off your ex (however tempting) but do tell the truth when your ds is older. Forget his family, they sound like tossers and you don't have to impress them anyway.

Make sure it's all in writing that you've offered regular contact but that you feel routine is important as is sticking to any arrangement made. How old's your ds?

juicychops · 27/08/2006 20:55

my ds is 18mths. I have copies of all solicitors letters he's been sent all the threatening horrible texts hes sent me and i wrote down a lot of phone conversations we have had in the last 8 months. I feel like i wanna write everything the whole situation every detail from beginning to now for my ds to have when he's older but it would make his dad to sound like the worst excuse for a human being there ever was which fod my ds wouldn't be a good idea

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WideWebWitch · 27/08/2006 21:07

Hey, it's good really that your ds is only 18mos because he won't be too aware of what an arse your ex is being and will be fine. Sympathies.

Well done for keeping records. The best revenge is living well.

juicychops · 27/08/2006 21:08

I know and i am very very happy with my bf of 8months. and my ex's girlfriend left him a couple of months ago!

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BrookeandTaylorsmummy · 27/08/2006 21:14

My exdh is the same although he left me July last year and hasn't seen our dd, who was 8 months at the time, since, I was also 3 months pregnant and he has not yet met our son. He has said I am stopping him form seeing the children, but I have all the abusive texts he sent saying he wants nothing to do with us, and all the solicitor letters etc, just keep everything. I have also set up a memory box for the children so they will always know who he is even if he doesnt care.

We can sleep sound at night I doubt the sad excuses of men we have encuontered can.

juicychops · 27/08/2006 21:32

Ive thrown all the photos away of my ex and me and my ex on his own but kept most of the one of his and ds together so ds has them to look at when he's older but thats it. I hate the situation. He even went mad at me when i didn't sent him a birthday card or fathers day card from ds!! what the hell has he done to deserve one?!

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chubbleigh · 27/08/2006 21:37

I sympathise as I am going through something similar with my ex. I am thinking he is such a twat that in the end he will fuck it for himself without me every saying a word to ds about it. Like you I have kept all the solicitors letters. You are right to keep it regular, at that age they need the routine in order to be able to cope with it. Good for you for not giving in to pressure to agree to something that you don't think is right.

juicychops · 27/08/2006 21:44

its been really hard not to give in. sometimes i struggle so much and its so easy to give in but that would just make everythin ive done so far all be for nothing. I just keep reminding myself that i am a good mum and im doin it for ds. my ex will always mess it up for himself too. He has so far as he has caused all this... i refuse to take responsibility for any of it no matter how much his family blame me.

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chubbleigh · 27/08/2006 21:47

Juicy, I have done something different to you. I have kept all the photos of me and xp because I want ds to see them when he is older and to know that we did love each other once, that all this ill feeling wasn't always there. My best revenge is to be happy and to for us to thrive in our new life.

fattiemumma · 27/08/2006 21:49

you are doing all you can to promote a happy healthy relationship between your Ds and his dad.

from what you are saying he is clearly better off without your ex in his life, and without him your DS will probably have little need to see your ex's side of the family.

ignore them and continue as you are, doing the very best you can for your childds long term well being.
when he is older he will know exactly why you stopped access ( not that there was any in the first place) and he will love you for going through all this for him.

makemineadouble · 27/08/2006 21:58

if any father wants to have a relationship with his children he will no matter how hard.the kids eventually work this out for themselves..
beleive me iv seen from both sides as a mum whos ex wasnt interested and a stepmum whoose husband has battled for 17 years to be in his daughters life .

juicychops · 27/08/2006 21:58

i hope so. I know what his dads family are like they will just try and poison his mind. my ds still sees my ex's mum. She has him every other saturday till sunday as they have always had a good relationship and i didn't want to break that even though i hate the woman!! but the condition is that my ex cant see ds whilst hes in her care otherwise if i find out he does, all arrangements with her and my ds will stop. so its in her interests that she doesn't do anything to jepodise that

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chubbleigh · 27/08/2006 22:02

Juicy, I could have written your last post myself. All the strife will be worth it in the end for your sons well being.

makemineadouble · 27/08/2006 22:03

do you mind if i ask why?

makemineadouble · 27/08/2006 22:05

i mean why doesnt he see them when they are at mothers house is it not safe

juicychops · 27/08/2006 22:12

He will only do it when he could be bothered. He wouldn't do it every 2 weeks when she has him. It would prob be something like an hour every month if that. It wouldn't be anything regular

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makemineadouble · 27/08/2006 22:20

if he knows where they are every two weeks and cant be bothered to see them then he doesnt deserve years to come his mum will know this happened it will come out and the kids will know it wasnt your doing..Be strong

juicychops · 27/08/2006 22:32

He only lives 5 mins walk from my house and he works even closer and he still cant be bothered. He doesn't deserve my ds at all. my ds is way way way too good for him and he is so much better off without him in his life.

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