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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Want to stay single but desperate to have children.

13 replies

marshharrier · 02/05/2014 21:02

I'm 32, and have been single pretty much my whole life- I had one boyfriend who hurt me badly and I've pretty much had trust issues with men since- plus they just seem to repulse me. I've tried meeting blokes IRL, on dating websites- but just no one is appealing to me at all. I have always considered myself to be bisexual so it could be that men just aren't appealing to me- but the more I think about it, the more I'm genuinely OK with being single.

I've been looking into adoption but I really want my own baby and a good male friend has even offered to be a donor for me but my friends keep telling me I'm mad!

I don't have many friends and don't see my family so 99.9% of the time it will just be me and my baby.

I'd be very interested to hear how people are coping alone and if anyone has gone down the route of choosing to do things alone.

There's a tiny tiny tiny doubt (which I guess is why I'm writing this post) but I'm emotionally and financially stable, and it is something I've wanted for a long time so I can't quite put my finger on it.

OP posts:

spottydolphin · 02/05/2014 21:11

i have 2 separate friends who have gone down this route. one has one child, the other has just had her second. it seems to be working very well for them!

one used a known donor, the other used a sperm donor from a clinic.

GRW · 02/05/2014 22:31

I had my daughter 16 years ago from sperm donation and it's the best decision I ever made. I was a similar age to you when I started trying to get pregnant, and was 34 when she was born. I am still single and happy to stay that way. Have a look at the website of the Donor Conception Network for support and advice about using a friend as a donor.

Lioninthesun · 05/05/2014 07:27

If you are going to go with your friend please get your bases covered legally. You need to be clear with him what his contact will be, if he will pay etc.
Lines can get blurred and having it all set out legally will be much better than relying on your friendship alone.

You will be very tired for a long time, so if you can find more support - nursery, child minder or whatever, factor that in to your costs. I pay around £270pm for playgroup and DD isn't even in full time. You will need some time to sleep/clean/be a zombie. Being a single parent is tough but very worthwhile as long as you have some balance and don't expect to be the only full time carer.

Good luck with it all.

deepinthewoods · 05/05/2014 07:30

Tricky one. I didn't meet my OH until I was 37 and had my fist child at 38.

You have to consider things from the chiild's perspective too.
How will he or she feel knowing that her father was happy to donate sperm but didn't want to be a father and have a part in her upbringing.

Lioninthesun · 05/05/2014 07:42

To be honest, sperm donor from a clinic can have the same end result as any other relationship. Many people split and men are notorious for running off and pretending they don't have kids anyway. So really it is skipping to the end and saving any heartache that child may get from seeing her 'happy' family dissolve. DD has never had to witness an argument as her dad left when she was 6mo. Much harder to feel you have to explain to a child that her bio father couldn't make up his mind if he wanted to be a daddy and then when she was 6mo decided 'Nah!' and spent years hiding all assets so she couldn't even have a savings account.

I think the Donor Conception Network have done a fair few studies that show the main thing the child is concerned about is possibly what the absent parent looks like (akin to adoptees) where they are looking for a face in the crowd, IYKWIM. Do read up on it.

Lioninthesun · 05/05/2014 07:45

Do remember also that the child will be legally entitled to find him at 18. That idea can change minds about method of conception (do you want to meet him before your child does?) and you may feel better off going with your friend as you know what he is like, rather than trusting a donor website for his character.

MrsHoolie · 05/05/2014 07:47

I have two friends who have had chosen to have a baby alone. They both thought it through in great detail with regards to finances/mat leave/mortgage etc.
One got pregnant with a one night stand (on purpose,and obviously very fertile). The other with a sperm donor.

FreckledLeopard · 05/05/2014 08:05

I'm in a very similar position to you. I'm pretty much done with looking for a relationship and am very cautious about having a child with someone else, given the number of relationships that go wrong etc. I do not want to be tied to another person for 18 years if things didn't work out.

I'm lucky in that I have DD (13) - I had her at 19 and have raised her myself. Her father hasn't been involved. I'm aware of the difficulties in raising a child alone, but have done it once and will do it again. I'm thinking of sperm donation and hoping that the time will be right in about 2 years, when I'm 34.

Honda199 · 16/02/2019 23:52

Hi all am in the same situation am a 39 year old male and I have been single for as long as I can remember I don't know y just never seem to find any one and all I have ever wanted was a baby I live alone and am so lonely I have family that come around but it's not the same all I think of all day and night is I want a baby and that something is missing in my life and am a nice guy the best you could find I would never hurt anyone but maybe I am ment to be alone and lonely anyway just thought I would share

Wde24801777 · 17/02/2019 03:07

Hey how is it going i so want to be a dad so i can leave my house and everything to x

MumUnderTheMoon · 17/02/2019 12:30

If you are happy to do it yourself then use an anonymous donor. Your friend would have legal rights to their child and if you don't want to coparent then don't use him as a donor. What about fostering? Lots of little ones need someone to love and care for them at difficult times.

Starlight456 · 17/02/2019 20:30

Can I just put the warning in there . I am in a similar position but was married . Ds has no contact with his dad . No family really.

It is bloody hard work I wouldn’t change my life for the world .

If you are ill or dc is ill you are house bound. I had friends drop essentials round.

While I adore my Ds the younger years with no adult conversation we’re tough.

Going out without family or a partner can be difficult to find anyone responsible.

Times I have felt very alone hospital when Ds was very poorly and as he has got older with Christmas. Also his achievements I know no one in the world cares the way I do.
Also my Ds has Adhd so all through the process , tough parenting times no one to really talk it through with

That said we are very close . He does talk to me far more than I hear from my other friends .

I have just had the most amazing experience watching him grow , I have also grown as a person .

Dreamzcancometrue · 19/02/2019 07:41

Hi,

Im 28yrs old and currently 38 weeks pregnant with my first baby and will be a lone parent once the baby is born, the father of the baby was a fling and obv did not foresee me getting pregnant. But I did. He doesn't want to be involved, which I've accepted. Anyway I feel the same way, its no suprise that I want more kids in a couple of years and I don't want a romantic relationship, all l would want the man for would be basically to be a sperm donor. I've given up finding mr right and im at peace with that, just dont want it to tarnish my hopes of having more kids! You are not alone.

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