Daughter doesn't want to visit her dad

[RainyDayLady]

My partner and I split in August 2013 after a long and abusive relationship. It seemed he had settled with a new gf who has a 13 yr old son of her own. At first my own two (13 yr old boy and 12 yr old daughter) were fine at seeing their dad every other weekend, but since a recent house move, my daughter no longer wants to visit. THe last 3 times she came home in tears and each time I forced her to go back, saying it was important for her to maintain a relatrionship with her dad. He was, and still is, a heavy drinker and can get in vile moods. The last time she was over there he txt me to say to pick her up on Saturday morning (she'd only gone Fri even!) as she was being 'rude'. He won't talk about his own behaviuours, just points the finger at everybody else. Of course, I am getting the blame for keeping her away. If anything, the opposite is the truth. i WANT her to go because now i never get free time to myself, and I am just starting a new relationship of my own. I am in tears writing this, it should be so simple: kids see their dad every other weekend, how difficult can that be? My boy is fine going over there as he has her 13 yr old son to play X Box with. Daughter is quite content to stay at home, but he sends her txts keep going on about her behaviour (which, i can assure you, is perfect here, she behaves perfectly with her friends and my family and no one else has a bad word to say about her). Today her phone was ringing, it was him so I answered it, and he was very loud, scarcastic and bullying. Do I really want to subject my daughter to that??

I wouldn't want her to go under those conditions, tho I do sympathise with not getting time to yourself/new relationship. As they get older they do more stuff with their friends IME so you get more time to spend on a relationship, even if they are not staying over with the over parent. I think you just grab some time when you can! I think it will naturally get better with time.

I've been in the same boat with two of my three children: abusive husband, who had little to do with the children before we separated, had them overnight once a week.

As I began to regain my confidence, and stick up for myself against his bullying tactics, he began to go for the kids, and I started getting tearful late-night calls from my son (then 10) BEGGING to be picked up, saying that his father was being horrible, and shouting at them all the time. The first few times I went to collect him, then I made him stay a couple of times, but then he started not wanting to go at all. I made him go a couple of times, but he'd get VERY upset about it. Repeat all this two months later with his (then 8yo) sister, and I thought, "what's the point?" Access is supposed to be for the children's benefit, and if they're hating it so much, they're obviously not benefiting, so I let them stay at home.

Sure, I lost what little freedom I had, and it has been hard as I have no support, but whatever time I did have to myself was interrupted by tearful telephone calls, so not much relaxation there! I'm not tough enough to enjoy me-time if I know my kids are suffering. And they were suffering –even allowing leeway for exaggeration, some of the reports I had were horrific.

I've had some friends insist it's vital the children maintain a relationship with their father, but other friends – those who've experienced life with an abusive father or partner – recognise that such a relationship is not necessarily in the children's best interests.

Only you can judge the situation appropriately, as you know your kids best. I know it's a hard one to call, so don't beat yourself up in the future if you feel you made the wrong decision – you can only do your best with the situation and knowledge you have right now.

A healthy relationship with their father would be a good thing - but this isn't healthy. I wouldn't be happy to send her in these circumstances.

Can I suggest you talk to her about how this isn't her fault.

He was, and still is, a heavy drinker and can get in vile moods

He won't talk about his own behaviours, just points the finger at everybody else

he sends her txts keep going on about her behaviour

he was very loud, scarcastic and bullying

Do I really want to subject my daughter to that??

OP, he sounds horrible and no, I really don't think you want to subject your DD to that. I'm guessing this is how he treated you and you got away from this him, so now he's bullying her instead. Put yourself in her shoes - would you want to spend a weekend with him? Can you really relax when your DD is with him, knowing how he's treating her?

I wouldn't make her go. He needs to change his ways and rebuild his relationship with your dd. That's his responsibility not yours.

I agree I wouldn't make her go..Sounds awful for her..I would not have a relaxing time wondering how he was treating her..

He of course will blame you because looking at his own behaviour would require him to change.