My ex and I have been separated just over a year now. We have a son, aged 2 1/2 and so far have managed contact between us, though it has been a very long and difficult process. Ex has long term problems with depression and drug use (pot smoking in the extreme). I was always concerned about contact which initially happened at my place (he visited to spend time with DS, as and when) but after a while it devolved into arguments and eventually we agreed to contact at his place.
For many months this was as-and-when Ex decided. He is affected deeply by depression/pot, more often than not sleeping through the day, or sleeping for 12-16 hours at a time. He appears to be unable to maintain any sort of routine. IMHO, routine is very important. I also have 2 other DCs and work from home, usually in the evenings now as I have no childcare whatsoever and can barely get anything done during the day. While I cannot rely on my ex to see DS or help with this, I was able to pin him down to 3 specific daytimes (but not actual times) each week. (it was 3 at his request, he doesnt work, claims sickness benefits). For a while, he was able to do this about 2/3 of the time. I'd wait for a call/text to let me know he was up and capable. Other times, I'd hear nothing and roll it on to the next day. He'd often ask for us to swap the missed day for a different, unscheduled day, but I have to be able to make plans so started refusing him.
For the past month or so, things have utterly detiorated. DS was lucky if his father could be available 1 of our three arranged days. He's had every excuse under the sun, from feeling rough because he hadn't got his prescription medication, to working through the night (on cash-in-hand design projects for a friend, which theoretically could be done during the day, were it not for his lifestyle...), to wanting to watch the lunar eclipse. He's admitted in person that his work enabled him to buy more dope and that he's smoked an awful lot more than usual (£50 worth a week, minimum, is his "usual"). He once admitted in a phone conversation that he tried to see if it was possible to smoke enough to kill oneself.
So yes, I have become increasingly concerned. When he does see DS, it's usually only for an hour, two at most, at his place. I drive DS down, and collect him again when Ex calls to say he's ready/DS is asking for me. I receive no maintenance whatsoever, no fuel costs, not even the odd piece of clothing. I even have to pack DS snacks and drinks when he visits as my Ex rarely has any food in the house.
Last weekend I confronted him, and suggested we make contact once a week: a quality visit, so DS would feel loved and enjoy the time spent with his dad. I was hoping he could manage this, and really focus his energy on making himself available, sorting out his sleep routine to be awake and capable for the visit. Surprisingly, he agreed we should lessen it, and suggested 2 days. I agreed, doubtful that he'd be able to make two but willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
He managed the first visit, for one hour on Sunday, but missed the second (today). He texted at 8pm to say he'd only just remembered he was supposed to see our son today. I am fuming. I suspect thr truth of it is that he smoked a lot of weed again and slept through the day. If he DID forget, WTF happened? That would suggest his son doesn't feature so highly in his thoughts to simply forget, else his mental state is worse than I thought.
I don't know what to do now. I SERIOUSLY doubt he would try to take me to court for contact - he probably wouldn't be able to make solicitors/court appointments, and really has issues with going out in public.
To date, two things have urged me to facilitate contact: firstly, that DS should have a relationship with his dad (one that is beneficial and healthy); secondly, that his Nannan on Ex's side is an amazing woman who adores him. Unfortunately, Nannan lives abroad and can only visit once or twice a year. She's obviously really upset by all that's happened through our split, and is suffering her own personal problems too. I've been deliberately vague in telling her what's been happening as I'm not a tattle-tale, though it's come to the point where I feel I should skype/email and explain the situation lest my Ex frighten her (again) that I'm (un-necessarily?) withdrawing contact.
My instinct is to offer one final chance. Once a week on Sundays so there can be no excuse about appointments getting in the way. Absolutely no let-downs or contact will be suspended until Ex is able to sort out his issues. I'd be more than happy to build it up once I'm assured of stability. Is this reasonable? Can anyone suggest a better solution?
To confirm, I'm not concerned about Ex smoking dope in front of our DS, more that the irregularity, constant letdowns and Ex's lifestyle are having (or will have) a detrimental effect if allowed to continue. I've had to stop telling DS about visits unless I'm absolutely certain (literally, minutes before) he's going, as he does get upset. I just don't know what to do for the best.