4 year old struggling with divorce

[Attheendofmytether123]

I was just wondering if anyone could offer any advice? I am really struggling with my oldest daughter at the moment. I have 2 daughters, aged 4 years old and 4 months old. I split from their dad when the baby was 8 weeks old. He has drink problems which mean that contact has been irregular and he is often late or doesn't turn up at all. Contact is here in the family home with me supervising because he is not in a fit state to look after them on his own. I try to avoid any conflict when he comes but unfortunately on a couple of occasions, we have argued in front of the kids. I now stay out of the room as much as possible when he comes round so that the girls don't have to deal with a bad atmosphere. If he turns up sober, we get on fine and can even be friendly but he is often hungover or still drunk and as a result tends to be rude and disrespectful to me which is what causes the arguments. The 4 year old is really missing her daddy and is lashing out at me as a result. I know that she has had a lot to deal with as a result of a new baby and then her dad leaving so I am trying to be very understanding but it has been going on for weeks and I am getting to the end of my tether. So far this morning while getting her dressed for preschool, she has nipped me, scratched me, pushed me, slapped me and punched me in the stomach. The episodes are worse in the day or two after a visit from her dad. I have tried removing screen time, confiscating toys and time out but nothing seems to work. I make sure I praise her when she is being good and we have a reward chart where if she gets enough stickers for doing nice things then we go and buy her a treat. I am also trying to cuddle her and reassure her as much as possible. Is there anything else I can do or is it just a matter of riding the storm?

please don't punish your child when she is simply expressing her confused emotions. tell preschool - explain you might be late sometimes - when she lashes you could cuddle her wrap her up show her you wont leave her etc. take times to let her express her emotions - sit and play with dolls say this is daddy this is mummy see what she does with them... show her how going outside in garden and jumping up and down and letting out a big scream and shout is a good way of expressing emotion etc. get a doll and say dolly is angry -ask dd what should dolly do? show dolly doing something different to express her emotion...

she needs an outlet for her emotions - you can help her express differently but it is unfair to take away screen time when she is clearly v upset/confused/unsure/insecure - tho she secure of you that I why she doing this behaviour to test you... .

go to your gp and ask for some help dealing with this. talk thru strategies with a profressional. some areas you can get telephone consultation with a child psychologist. you need to discuss concrete strategies for dealing with specific behaviour while recognising she needs support.

also you need to stop supervising contact in your home it is too confusing for child to have daddy home again.
arrange with another adult eg family friend or look up contact centres locally. if you feel you must supervise then arrange the contact session outside your home eg at a local soft play centre or library. so you can be nearby - and if he doesnt turn up you can still have your play session or is drunk there will be witnesses etc.

Feel very sad for you as I know how this is.
My ds was 5 when his dad left. He has alcohol issues also and moved abroad. He visits every 3 months. The first few visits he was always hungover, a bit disorientated etc.
I'm always with them when he's here. I don't trust him. Nor do I want to use a contact centre and it's a big ask of friends/neighbours to do the supervising. I do try and stay in another room or do something neutral like watch a film or go to park.
My elder two have accepted well. My youngest has been miserable and his behaviour has suffered.
Run out of time but will come back later !

I agree, your split is still very early days so your DD is still coming to terms with daddy no longer being home and is finding it difficult to express her emotions. She's probably confused and can't understand why daddy is no longer there but keeps coming and leaving.

Also agree with having contact outside your home in a very public place. If he turns up drunk then you need to tell him it's not on. He's come to see your daughter and if he's not in a fit state to do so then he needs to rearrange a time when he is. She has to come to terms with a huge family dynamic change - the last thing she needs on top is seeing daddy drunk. By limiting him seeing her when he's in no fit state also stops your arguments.

I've worked very hard with my ds keep boundaries on behaviour whilst helping him acknowledge his feelings. His dad just walked out one day , hard for an adult to comprehend and make sense of never mind a child.
He has fought me, kicked me, hit me and them earlier this year he scratched me so badly across my hand that he gouged flesh. It didn't heal for a month and he was reminded every day that he had hurt me .
He didn't mean to hurt me, it's him that's hurt and it's making him angry. Since then he's been a lot better as we have been able to talk about how sad or cross he feels. I tell him I know how he feels . I remind him all the time we love him and it's difficult not to feel sad. We've started to talk about how good things follow sad things. Everyone experiences sad things but the happy things still come.
I don't accept intolerable behaviour and we still battle. Just keep reminding him of the rules and what's good for our house. Honestly it takes a while but if you stick with it, it really does get better.
Try not let your ex wind you up. You'll never win an argument with a drinker. So just don't argue. Plan for your future and start looking at the good things. And life with a small baby is hard hard hard! That will get easier too.

I can empathise, my just 6 year old behaves really badly after contact with his father, he misses him and find it all really confusing. But I still discipline him as I do with any un acceptable behaviour, naughty step etc, I think that they need consistent boundaries, but I do talk to him and let him know it is ok to have these feelings, try and suggest other ways of dealing with those feelings, and always make it clear that his father not living with us is absolutely nothing to do with anything he has done or him, who he is etc.

My DS used to struggle and lash out.

I did time out for him really to calm him down more than anything and then we had a chat about what he could of done...Like others have said they don't know how to deal with things...