Only just separated and ex already being awkward.

[Loverdose]

I have been separated from my H for a couple of weeks and he has moved out. I am trying to arrange access for 20 month old dd. We have agreed that he will have her overnight once a week and one whole day.

So he was going to have her overnight this Saturday and is now being a pain and saying he wants to change to Friday so he can go out for drinks with work colleagues. (I have suspicions of OW but that's another story). Thinking that dd would be out, I made plans to go to a friend's for a bottle of wine and takeaway. Now I am having to change my plans to accommodate ex.

It was a similar story last weekend. He was going to have dd on Saturday for the day but texted Saturday morning asking if he could do it on Sunday because he was hungover.

I know we have only just separated but I'm bloody annoyed. I want stability for dd and I don't think having set days for ex to have her is too much to ask. I want her to have a good relationship with her dad.

Anyone else have this? Do you think it will get better once things are a bit more settled?

Tell him you've made plans and you can't cancel them so he will have to swap. What comes first, his daughter or drinks?

Be flexible up to a point. Say you're happy to rearrange if you get say, 24,48 hours notice (whatever you think is reasonable) but tell him that going forward you would like to give your DD stability with a regular pattern.

Things will come up - parenting with someone you have separated is very hard work - but your DD should be both you and your ex's priority.

Don't change your plans. If he thinks drinking with friends is more important then seeing his daughter then that's his problem.

Tell him your dd will be available next saturday as agreed. If you keep agreeing to his changes then he will do it all the time. As you are newly separated I would make it clear to him that you will not be chopping and changing the agreed time as it is not in your daughters best interest as she needs to stability.

agree with sticking to the days. except for something more dramatic/important/unavoidable like a funeral etc.

however -- would you rather he had her then got a babysitter or gave you "first refusal"?

his problem if he misses contact due to hangover.

re: your friend - take the baby with you. or invite friend to yours.

I've been through this myself (a long time ago) and with a couple of friends, and the experience has been the same; the more flexible you are about contact, the less reliable it will be. Of course if there is a genuine emergency you both have to be flexible, just as you both need to be involved in deciding the pattern, but once there is a pattern it's much easier all round.

I'd write a polite letter or email (so you can keep a copy) just saying that you want a routine established and you would like him to commit to a specific day and stick to it unless there is a genuine emergency.

Set the standard now and say no. He's probably just assuming that you are going to help each other out like when you were together. Well, you're not together and this is really a business arrangement that is for the sake of your child. Be business like, be fair and be clear.

Personally I would alternate Fridays and Saturdays because to never have a Friday without kids is a bit crap, particularly if his work colleagues are sociable.

Choose a day and times and stick to it, no swapping from either sides, if he do it then tough he goes without. I got messed about big time with my ex, I stand my ground now and it's easier all round

I'd agree with the above - if you are flexible it appears that they are doing you a favour when actually they should WANT to see their own child. It is his choice to go out the night before and he needs to understand that this is not what a parent gets to do. You wouldn't!
IME you should stick to your dates. If he fizzles out then you can't be blamed as it wasn't you changing things at the last minute and expecting special treatment. I had this with my ex and it turned out he had another woman and couldn't commit to every other weekend because of her/his new life in the city Prepare yourself for that, but don't let yourself get excited about time off just to have it thrown in your face. If you are wishy washy bout it, it will just drag on for longer.

I agree with others re setting the precedent now. It might not matter to your dd now that her dad's unreliable but what happens in 2 or 3 years when she excited about seeing daddy and he constantly changes plans/lets her down? That will undoubtedly cause her unhappiness and leave her feeling unloved.

In general, I think the rule should be - you plan your social life around your child. Its what you would be doing if you were together, and its what YOU do.

However, there are always exceptions aren't there.

You both are new to this, and I think it's important to set boundaries, but also not to go in guns blazing - you both need to get used to this.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to say to him that you've made arrangements on the day due to your prior agreement that he would have your child and see what he says.

Did you both have quite lengthy talks to agree the contact arrangement - if you have a google about shared parenting there are some good examples of the kind of agreement you might want to consider coming to.

It sounds a bit silly to look at a formal agreement, but it makes you think about some of the possibilities, like

• what happens if you're sick
• how you share major holidays
• what you do about birthdays
• what you do about family events
• what do you do about sharing clothes and toys

You can come to some sort of agreement about how plans are changed, when and why, and write it down, then when something like this happens you can refer back and make a decision about what you are happy to do.

giantpurplepeopleeater speaks a lot of sense.

When my ex and I split, I felt like I didn't want to be too formal but essentially that just meant misunderstandings and tense negotiations every time something came up.

• what happens if you're sick - how sick is sick, is a good one to cover. I don't let ex off if he has a cold or a headache, but D&V or something awful and the deal is that he will ask his Mum to take DD for him and if that's not possible I have her. Another thing to consider is what is your child is sick? If there is D&V then we agree she will stay "contained" with the parent she is with when it starts but anything else and contact continues.
• how you share major holidays - we split straight in half
• what you do about birthdays - we always do time with both parents, whether it be together or separately.
• what you do about family events - we make family very aware of contact times and expect them to arrange stuff where possible around that. If it doesn't happen we always (with notice) allow the other to take DD along to any important family events.
• what do you do about sharing clothes and toys - Ah... the biggy!!!

I agree with being flexible with regards to contact as things can crop up. However, asking for a change of days due to having a hangover on the day he was meant to have contact is a no go. At the end of the day he knew he would have been having your DD so why drink so much the night before?

Ex and I are usually quite flexible when it comes to contact and rearranging if needs be. But he did go through a phase of wanting to change last minute because of an invite out.

Stick to your guns - if it's to do with a real emergency (illness, hospitalisation) then by all means be accommodating. But if it's for a night out at the expensive of your already arranged night out then I'd be inclined to say stick to the original agreement.

Would he be just as flexible if you wanted to change arrangements? Being flexible only works if both are willing to do it. You can't do it one sided or there'll be no actual consistency for your DD.

Thanks for all the advice. The current plan is that ex will. Be having dd alternate Friday or Saturday, but his job will be changing soon and he will be doing shifts so this will be changing.

I'm happy to be flexible re illness, emergencies etc. I think the fact that he wanted to go out for drinks instead is what bugged me as he would do that sort of thing when we were together. Obviously our separation is still quite raw and we have a few things to discuss.