Dd dislikes dad's new Dp...

[rainbowfeet]

Dd is 11 & is usually a loving & friendly girl.. Deffo not a spoiled brat.. But she really dislikes her dads dp.. They've been together nearly 2 yrs & lived together for 6 months. She is 15 years his junior.

No major battles just little things the gf has said & done that have upset dd. ie: insulting me & my friends in front of dd .. Calling my sister fat. Getting her dad to change their plans to suit herself. I think generally dd feels gf is 'taking her dad away'!
She is a health nut & doesn't allow my dd to eat mcDonalds or chocolate while she's with them & often comments on people's weight & says to dd .. You don't want to get fat. (I don't agree with mentioning stuff like that at such an impressionable age)!

I can't interfere can I?
Dd has come home from their house & has cried about the gf & I hate that.. I've just said try to forget she's there & enjoy your time with dad

Posted too soon..

Is there anything else I can say...

I said tonight not to get upset & I can't say anything to her dad as it will look like I'm a trouble maker.. If it really upsets you then speak to your dad but she said she's scared too!!

Has anyone else had similar issues? Xx

I think all you can do is talk to her, listen to her worries and try and help her work out ways to cope with the things that upset her. Does she feel able to speak to her dad about how she feels? Maybe a comment about how she doesn't like hearing bad things being said about you/your family and could he ask her to be more considerate to her feelings. If that's not something she wants to do/is comfortable doing then maybe give her something to use in response to mean comments - that's not nice talking like that about my mum/aunt etc. or it's not nice to talk about other people's weight like that.

Other than that, I don't think there's much you can do other than listen and support her to find a way to cope/respond.

Does her school have any access to any kind of counselling? Or at least talk to the Head of Year/pastoral staff, to see if there is someone she can talk to. It is good that you are there and listen, but it might be even better if she can talk to someone else who is totally not involved. Being able to let it out will be a huge help.
I would also be watching your DDs attitudes to eating, just in case.

I have several friends who had less than optimal step parents, and they have eventually come out the other side okay. At least your DD doesn't have to live with them all the time.

Thank you for your replies at the moment I don't see it as a huge problem although she did dream about them getting married & not telling her last night & was upset this morning... So it's a case of keeping an eye in the situation!
I am trying to keep the balance between dd must have respect for dads gf because she is an adult (only just ) & being assertive incase said gf is just a nasty bit of work. But my motherly instinct wants to go in guns blazing!
With regards to the food & weight comments I said to dd that our attitude towards food everything in moderation is more healthy & dd not need worry about stuff like that. Plus insulting other people isn't nice & it really shows gf's insecurities which is only natural at her young age. & we don't put people down like that.

I would tell her dad for her if she couldn't. Like you said, impressionable age and all that. If she is dreaming stuff like that she is clearly showing signs of anxiety. This woman may not realise she is doing anything wrong and your dd probably does feel a bit jealous (its natural) but still it needs tackling. Good luck hun

Can I ask how old is the new partner?

The new partner is 26 & he is 43... A friend did ask today did I believe dd 100% did I think is she trying to get me to have a go at the gf just because dd doesn't like her?!!
I'd like to believe dd wouldn't do something like that but wonder if she's taken any comments out of context or exaggerated anything.
I have had to pull exh up on a couple of things the gf has said to dd.. 1 example was her telling dd smoking keeps your weight down!!! & that they were going to try for a baby next year!!.. The 1st comment I went nuts over & the 2nd he agreed that it was wrong of her to say that & news like that should come from him...

I think gf is quite immature & lacking in life experience to be honest.. This is her 1st serious relationship.. & she doesn't know much about 11 year old girls!!

I wouldn't show your DD that you in any way doubt her. Its not necessarily what is actually said but how she feels about it.
Actually most children try to gloss over issues in situations like this, as they don't want to bad mouth either parent to the other - unless one parent makes it seem that they want to hear bad stuff about the other.

But giving her someone safe to talk to can help, and help her not to cover up anything really worrying.

I would suggest you really try not to react to anything. So to "Suzy says smoking helps you keep thin" - say "Does she, well thats a bit silly isn't it? Smoking is so bad for your health." And then move on. Then mention it to your Ex in private/email.

If she doesn't get an over reaction she is unlikely to try to twist things, and will also feel safer about talking to you. I think manipulation isn't that highly likely if she is safe and secure, not a fought over "possession".

Thank you

From what you've said she really does sound quite immature and doesn't seem to have much idea on what is appropriate to say to an impressionable 11 year old or a potential step daughter. I wouldn't be happy with the weight comments, 11 is such an impressionable age with all those hormones starting to kick in and noticing boys etc Tbh I wouldn't worry too much about the long term, all the relationships I know of that have had a similar age gap have fizzled out because she's still young and eventually the age gap shows.