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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Am I the only one who feels annoyed at hearing people complaining they are "practically single parents"?

19 replies

MeMyselfAnd1 · 25/04/2014 22:23

Frankly... While someone is sharing the burden of bringing the money home, and returns at the end of the day, night or even month to provide the certainity that if things go wrong someone will be there to take care of the children, you are not "practically a single parent"

I had a husband who often worked away but that is nothing compared to the difficulties of raising a child on your own.

Thank you

(Says she after hearing a SAHM, who has a live in nanny, begrudging her parents' support to her divorced sister)

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Minime85 · 25/04/2014 22:33

I am guilty of having said that before I separated. and in many ways I stand by it as my ex was rarely home due to his job I'd go days without seeing him. I organised everything in the house, all childcare and school stuff. and in last yr there was no emotional support either. dds and I always went out on our own and to family events. ex only has one weekend off a month.

so when he left it wasn't really any different in that respect and helped prepare both me and DDS for it. I was used to being alone and having to sort everything out.

I do understand what u mean about worry over income though. although ex pays, I only have my salary now.

Original poster

MeMyselfAnd1 · 25/04/2014 22:52

I think that is the thing... My ex worked away and when around was normally plugged to the computer doing more work... But, there was the sharing of financial responsibilities and knowing that there was someone around who could at least organise someone to care for DS if I couldn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

MeMyselfAnd1 · 25/04/2014 22:55

I admit however that when he was still having contact with DS and paying a reasonable maintenance, I also noticed I had less work to do and more free time than when we were still married...

OP posts:

AgentSchraeder · 27/04/2014 12:52

Ugh it is so frustrating! "Oh my husband is working away tonight so I'm having to do bedtime all by myself, it's soooo hard, I know EXACTLY what it's like being a single parent". Um, no, you do not. Even if the partner works away all the time you've still got his wages coming in.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 27/04/2014 13:22

There are lots of these threads at the moment. The general consensus is that no one group of people has it harder than another:

There are single parents who get a night off and financial support and those who get nothing.

There are married people with supportive and loving DHs and those who may as well just have an extra DC to look after for all the good their H is.

There are people who enjoy the peace that comes from not sharing a home with someone and those who are lonely and crave affection.

There are single parents in loving relationships with someone who doesn't live with them and there are those who can never imagine a relationship with someone else while their DCs are young.

It's not a competition.

FWIW I've been both, my XH worked away for a period and it was hard, harder for me than living alone as I still had to live up to his high standards when he came home at weekends and I still didn't have financial autonomy as I do now. I didn't get love and affection, which I do from my new DP (who doesn't live here, so technically I AM still a lone parent) and I get a night off every week now when my DCs stay with their dad, which I never got when he worked away and I was home alone with the DCs every night.

Fizzyfuzzy123 · 27/04/2014 13:27

Agree with agent! I also can't stand people who pity me or think I'm not a proper family with my son! Actually I'm glad I am without it means I can rely 100 per cent on myself!

PacificDogwood · 27/04/2014 13:28

Well, I am not a single parent and DH is at home most nights, but does work some weekends and antisocial/overnights at times.

No way is my life in any way comparable to what it would be like if I was a lone parent . I cannot believe people would even say that!

The burden of always being the only one who can not only do stuff, but also makes all the decisions (and then has to live with the consequences of those decisions), who does all the parenting and shopping and brining money in and looking after house/car/cat/whatever is more concentrated if nothing else for a single parent.
I dont' see how anybody could dispute that.
Living with a parent/partner may have other difficulties at times and it can be worse to be lonely within in a relationship than happily alone, but that's a different issue.

LineRunner · 27/04/2014 13:32

I would rather be a lone parent than posting on here about a knobhead DP (and what a 'great dad' said knobhead is).

mrsruffallo · 27/04/2014 13:39

I think that people are just expressing how they feel when they use the phrase ' I feel like a single parent'.
I don't see how being a single parent to a single child with, say, solid grandparental or community support (re school runs etc) is any harder than a family with a few kids and both parents working tbh.
As another poster said, it's not a competition and it's a remark that hardly needs srutinising

MinesaMess · 27/04/2014 13:43

I'm a LP and honestly I just don't get the offence taken at these comments. Yesterday I was chatting to a dad I met who's son was playing with mine. When I mentioned I was studying for exams he said his wife was too and 'he practically felt like a single parent', he wasn't aware that I was a LP at that point but really I think people read too much into these comments and I just can't get worked up about them.
Why do some LP's want everyone to know how hard they've got it?

AgentSchraeder · 27/04/2014 14:00

I don't want everyone to know how hard I've got it, Minesa and I'm not doing competitive "I've got a harder life" stuff either. I resent people professing to know "exactly how I feel", when they have no idea. No-one knows exactly how anyone feels so unless you've been in their EXACT situation, maybe not say you do?

MinesaMess · 27/04/2014 14:20

It's just a turn of phrase people say without thinking. If it bothers you then challenge the person saying it.

RaspberryBeret34 · 27/04/2014 15:03

I'd be a bit narked if someone said that too, I don't think anyone has said it to me though. I have had quite a few parents in relationships say "oooh, you get loads of childfree time, I'm so jealous... I never get time to myself". (I get a few hours in the week and one night a week when ex has DS).

And comments from couples that they'd be better off (financially) if they split up. It is frustrating because if there was any way of making it work, I'd 100% be with DS's dad. But I can't make it work so people "helpfully" (jealously) pointing out the "benefits" to me is just rather... patronizing/unthinking/unhelpful (can't quite decide on the right word!) and generally ridiculous. If I have such a great, wonderful, easy, well-off lifestyle then it is no skin off my nose if they want to split with their OHs and come and try it!

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 09:20

This topic was hashed out yet again last week on AIBU.

I just can't bring myself to be bothered by this. Everyone's situations are different. As I said on the other thread if someone said "I am a single parent because X works away" I may be a bit but if they are saying that they feel like one sometimes etc then I can and will sympathise with them.

This IMHO just isn't worth getting my knickers in a twist over.

Pagwatch · 28/04/2014 09:25

It's a stupid phrase.
I don't think many people actually compare like that. Its an exaggeration for effect - the point beng how hard it must be to be a lone parent.

It s stupid and annoying I'm sure but there are loads of comparables
Look at the utter twats who compare have a child in a buggy with having a child n a wheelchair.
Now they really are cunts.

MargotThreadbetter · 29/04/2014 00:00

I think that it's that someone's got your back. I miss that (though I never really had it with ex anyway )
Even those with partners working away have the knowledge that there is someone else to shoulder responsibility, make decisions etc.
I've never had someone say it to me but I think it's a bit thoughtless.

starlight1234 · 29/04/2014 12:10

Yes the comment gets on my nerves...not because it is harder to be a single parent ..Like has already been said...Lots of different support...but yes 2 working parents have 2 lots of holidays, 2 parents to talk about issues, to support when child is poorly. I cannot go out ever without a babysitter...I don't get one night off a week, infact never get a break..I don't think my life is worse, I am not in competition but yes I resnt people thinking they have any idea what it is like to have sole responsibility for brining up a child.

jan2014 · 29/04/2014 14:16

this has been getting me down lately, because at times i have really been struggling, and anytime i try to talk to my friends about it they just agree with me for example 'yeah i get no space either', or 'i know what its like i never get a minute' or basically anything i say they turn it around like they are in the same situation. when they both have dps. while i understand their relationships are not perfect and going through a bad time in their relationship will probably be worse than what i am going through, and im always willing to listen to their problems, i feel like i need them to understand that no their situation is different and i need them to let me sound off about how i feel too. how can they know what its like if theyve never done it on my own. it was hell when i was married, but even after doing it on my own for the first week, i was more exhausted physically than ever before, although less exhausted mentally.

jan2014 · 29/04/2014 14:18

sorry lots of typos...hope you can make some sense of what i am saying!

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