Suddenly back in contact after 2 years total absence. How to play this?

[Fullyswindonian]

My ex of 5 years ago, whom I left taking a toddler and newborn with me, initially travelled 200 miles to visit his children 2/3 times a year until I stopped funding the travel costs so he stopped.

He had a bond with the eldest but the youngest was still barely a toddler the last time he saw them.

There's been no contact at all for the last two years. He hasn't spoken to the children, sent cards, anything.
He opened an access case against me last year but failed to attend the first Mediation appointment or to respond to any solicitor advice.

Then suddenly this week I receive a Facebook friend request from a profile he's created titled Fred billandbensdaddy (not our real names) and he's sent friend request to most of my Friendlist too, barring my Mum and other sister, who know him too well.
He's also sent a birthday card to my eldest which reads like a business document, not a sentimental flourish of affection. Listing all his contact details, dating the card perfunctorily, using the expression 'contact & access' in his suggestion to my eldest (age just turned 7).

He appears to be following the original solicitor advice of last year, to gradually re-establish contact, starting by greetings cards.
He isn't responding to any of my (affronted and perplexed) messages via Facebook either, expressing my surprise at this volte-face.
Previously he relished any opportunity of attacking me (in any communication medium) which further adds to my suspicion. There's DV history, and I'm aware that even mentioning this or not mentioning it in Mumsnet opening posts can immediately dictate the replies.

Because of our past and his total lack of co-operation last year with the access case he opened but failed to continue, along with the total lack of contact with the children for the last two years (at one point he even walked straight past the children a few feet away my friend said (I was somewhere else whilst the children were left with my friend and my sister), ignoring them, as we both attended an airshow at the same time in my home area, for which he'd travelled hundreds of miles ...

So, really, do I now give my daughter the birthday card he sent, despite it seeming to insinuate the lack of contact wasn't down to him. He suggests she should contact him 'now she is old enough to read and write' or phone him or Facebook him. Nothing about why he hasn't contacted her or that he is going to be doing all the chasing

This development has knocked me back hugely. My life had moved on and I had set all parameters in place already for explaining to the children why they never saw their Daddy. Now I'm supposed to draw in those parameters again? It smacks of inconsistency.

I'm left by this feeling perplexed, confused, frustrated he won't respond to me personally about his action. All past memories dredged up again. All this because he sent a Facebook friend request and a birthday card after two years of nothing.

All views and advice genuinely appreciated.
Thankyou :)

Are you in touch with your solicitor? I would say you should seek legal advice

First things first. Change your settings in Facebook so you get a chance to approve posts to your wall, tags, etc. Second, hide your friend list. Once this done block him.

Don't feel bullied into handing a card to your DD until you think there are reasonable grounds to believe he will be more regularly involved in their life. They have not seem him for a long time and may not even remember much about him (or may remember the bad parts of it) so there is not really a need to mess them up creating expectations of "daddy" coming back into the picture when experience shows you already that he won't (or will show up and disappear quckly causing more damage than if he had not returned at all)

I agree with me myself and I...I doing the maths am assuming she is around 7? so too young for a FB account anyway... I find it very disturbing suggesting a 7 year old should be in charge of finding her dad is awful...

I personally wouldn't give it her till he proves what he is up to..

but yes your FB is your FB make sure it is secure and block him

my ex did this I told him not to contact me unless its was through a solicitor, I had one letter off his solicitor which I replied to saying that I wanted him to have supervised contact in a contact centre (he regularly takes drugs) and I never heard anything back from him

That's terribly inappropriate on his part. He should be contacting you to firstly apologies and then secondly, to form a plan with you co-operation as to how to best re establish contact. I appreciate he is making some effort but he's really not going about it in the right way and sporadic contact will not help the children develop a relationship with their father. I would strongly advise putting the card away for a good few years until your DD is old enough to be able to cope with the news.

Asking him to only contact me through a solicitor is a good idea, thanks Star.

Queenofthepirates. That will never happen, I was and always will be blamed for 'ruining' his life.

I still haven't given her the card. Her birthday was yesterday. She is able to read all of it of course but she will then question it. She will ask to phone him or something. Why can't he phone her you wonder? Because he doesn't want to pay the cost of the phone call. This is how he is. He chose to stop visiting them immediately I stopped paying his fuel cost and accommodating him at my house. Of course he won't pay for a phone call to his own children..

So far, I'm thinking I should just keep the bundle of cards as and when and if they start arriving regularly, then at what point do I present them to her years down the line? Can you imagine handing this timebomb over to a 10 year old or worse still a young teenager! They might consider I've deliberately kept them from their father all these years. Argghh!!

Dr Ogbari, thankyou. I'll pay in sausages for your wisdom.

at sausage wisdom.

It seems as though there is a pattern to his behaviour. He starts things and then gives up when it all gets too hard. I think you shouldn't get too worked up about this, as chances are he will get bored when there is real work involved.

That said, his card is extremely weird. Did he write the contact dates in the actual card? If so, I think it would be confusing for your daughter. Perhaps you should give it to her and let her know that it is a bit 'silly' the things that Dad wrote.
Or if not, you should certainly keep them incase he does being it up in years to come and you can let her know that you were protecting her due to her young age.
Either way, he sounds very strange...

bring it up.

Sounds like he could have perhaps been distracted by being in a relationship for a couple of years, that's finished, and now he's turned his attention back to the children. So he looked back at the legal advice he had from a couple of years ago, and thought he'd put it in place i.e. the 'legal' card. Hmmm…

I'd have thought that it will have to go through CAFCASS now, if he pursues it.

He put the contact dates in the card???? Look, I understand that you want to avoid your Dd think it was you that caused the contact to stop, it may be that you are scared of him. But I would rather be blamed and scared (if that is the case) than mess my child up by having contact be arranged directly through her. You know your ex and why this is a bad idea, Sp stand your ground :-)