Leaving my H

[hadenough23]

Hi, I haven't posted here before and I've just plucked up the courage to do so. Looking for a bit of advice.

I have decided to leave my H. We have been married for 6 years, together for 8 and we have an 18 month old son. H is emotionally and financially abusive. I left work when our son was born to be a SAHM and don't have access to his bank account. If I want money for something he will "assess" how well I have cleaned the house etc before he decides whether I "deserve" it or not. (I admit now there were probably signs of this sort of behavior before we got married, but I had a job then and my own financial independence. It's only been highlighted since we had DS).

Anyway, I've been weak I suppose and stayed with him. But now DS is starting to talk and copy the things H says to me, for example when he calls me lazy. I have decided that I must be strong and leave for the sake of my DS as I don't want him growing up thinking this is an acceptable way to talk to women.

However, I am worried about the financial aspect of things. Our rent is very high and as I'm not working I would have to go on benefits until I get a job. (This is the last thing I want to do but I'm hoping it won't be for long). I could not afford to pay the rent and bills for this house, so I would have to move out with DS. I am a little bit wary of going to the council because the council houses are in quite a horrible area. Ideally I would like to privately rent a little flat, but I don't have any money that is mine (all money is in DH's bank) so I have nothing for a deposit.

H is in a fairly well paying job. I understand the CSA are not taking on new claims so am unsure how I would go about setting up maintenance payments. (I highly doubt that he would voluntarily give me any). I'm just worried that I won't be able to support myself and DS. Can I do it? Is there anyone who has been in this situation? I'm very scared to do this but know it's for the best.

Firstly can you borrow a deposit from someone?

Do you have any RL support? Family nearby?

You are doing the right thing, and you will be much better away from this creep. Can you (safely) siphon off money so you have a bit behind you when you go? Ringing WA is a good idea, too.

Is he ever physically abusive?

I have my parents who I could go and stay with for a while. H only really gives me about £50 when he gets paid (his view is that the bills are paid and food is on the table so why do I need anything else). Plus I get the CB so in total I have about £130 a month. I suppose the best option is see if I can stay with my parents until I have enough money. They could probably help me out a little but I'm not sure how much.

He has never been physically abusive. He is very sly.

There is a benefits calculator website called 'entitledto.com' which can give you an idea of the money you might claim. The CSA taking no new claims doesn't mean that people can avoid paying child maintenance. There will be a way. Good luck, you need to ltb !

It is extremely difficult to get social housing in most areas now anyway.. I was told by leaving the marital home of my own accord (no DV) that I was making myself intentionally homeless so had to rent privately .. At the time only working pt on minimum wage I was on income support so got housing benefit towards my rent... Had to pay 3 months up front plus another month security deposit as landlord was dubious about renting to someone using housing benefit!!

You will be entitled to income support, child tax credit & of course child benefit ... Not an awful lot to live on without child maintainance though.

There is a new Child Maintenance Service (CMS) that do the same job as CSA the phone number is 08452668792. The basic rules followed are slightly different but they will talk you through it all.

Have you considered speaking to Women's Aid?

Also do you still have a bank account? Does your husband do online banking?

I second the advice that you should speak to womens aid.

Financial abuse is very serious, and in this case it sounds terrible. They will be able to help you escape this.

I agree with others Womens aid can be a great help...

Things will only get worse not better I am afraid... I would do things you can to help yourself at the moment like set up yourself a bank account if you don't have one so benefits can be paid in.. Collect all your documents you need for yourself and DS (passports, birth certificate, national insurance number, driving licience)