Dd2 being thoroughly spoilt by her dad's girlfriend

[17leftfeet]

They were introduced a month ago

Every time she sees her she is topped up to the eyeballs with junk food and sweets and laden with gifts

This is really upsetting me

I want dd2 to like her, I want her to be nice to dd2 but it feels awful

Dd1 isn't getting on with her dad at the moment so isn't going on these trips -says she's not bothered but it bothers me

Sigh!

My DD saw through it all (she was 8 when it started) and never liked the GF. She just accepted all the stuff, but didn't allow it to influence her opinion.

She seems to like her but seems a bit bemused by the gift giving

But she is the sort of child that likes everyone

Honestly, it is a good thing the gf is trying to make an effort. My ex had a horrible gf at one stage, resented DD and any time ex spent with her. It was much, much better when he broke up with her and got together with his new wife. I'd be more worried about DD1 choosing not to have time with Dad - how old is she?

What balia said. This may be the GFs misguided attempt at making sure the DSD2 isn't alienated like DSD1.

Does she have kids of her own? What are the ages?

Dd1 is 13, her dad has always treated her as second best and she's a very similar personality so they clash

They had a row about 20 minutes after he picked her up about food -she wasn't hungry, he insisted she ate and it erupted from there, they both said things they shouldn't so he brought her home, and she's not been back since

She's apologised after I talked to her but she wants an apology of him which he doesn't think he owes her (he does) so it's stale mate at the moment

How long ago was that? It could have an impact on how the gf is trying to "buy" the other one...

It seems a bit of a petty reason to not be seeing her Dad. I can see that a teenager thinks she deserves and apology from her Dad but they aren't equals. She shouldn't be able to just choose not to see him because he reprimanded her and she didn't like it

What would she do had you not separated? Leave home? What happens next time he needs to parent her? Does he keep quiet for fear of her leaving again?

I appreciate that isn't what the thread is about, but it could be feeding the gf's desire to keep the child happy. It's a daft way of going about it and she is misguided, but it could be a factor if she feels that her DP needs to "keep the children happy" for fear that they may vote with their feet if they are displeased...

The problem is he has never parented her, he has ignored any bad behaviour in the past and also ignored any good, in fact he's pretty much ignored her for the last 4 1/2 years

The row was nearly 4 months ago, he said some pretty horrible things to her -along the lines of 'you'll never make anything of your life' 'everyone hates you, can't you see that?'
That sort of thing

He doesn't see that she is a hurt child who wants some attention from her dad and he needs to put the effort in

He thinks she should automatically respect him because he's her father but his behaviour over the years has been awful and she's not daft.

Perfect student at school, lots of friends, can be a bit abrasive and snappy with me and her sister, can't all 13 year olds? But I pull her up on it, punish as appropriate and 90% of the time her behaviour is fine.

But not with her dad

She hasn't met his girlfriend

It definitely sounds like this could be a result of all the other stuff. Maybe she sees he's a crap dad and wants to buy the affections of DD2, or make up for her dad's slack... or she wants DD2 to go home and tell DD1 of the gifts and tempt her back there.

He really said "everyone hates you"?? That is the kind of thing DSD tells her Mum that her Dad or I have said.

Yes he did, he said the same to me and she cried herself to sleep and woke up crying the next morning -it's definitely a toxic relationship

He's fine with dd2 though

Sounds to me like the one having the gifts bought for her should be the least of your worries...

She shouldn't be able to just choose not to see him because he reprimanded her and she didn't like it

Likewise, he shouldn't be bringing her home less than an hour after pickup because they had a row.

I can see why she feels upset and by the sound of what he said to her, she does deserve an apology.

Re the spoiling, is there any possibility that it is being over egged to make DD1 think she is missing out and to encourage her to start visits again? Not suggesting trying to make one envious of the other would be a good idea, but some might think so.

She's already envious of her, no gifts required for that

It may be her dad's intention, he doesn't talk to me about it

The gifts concern me for a number of reasons thinking about it
-I can't afford to do the same, and wouldn't choose to anyway, gifts are for special occasions
-there is already a divide between the dcs, while dd1 says she doesn't care, she must do surely?
-girlfriend has a 15/16 year old (not sure exactly) dd hasn't met her, dad has never mentioned her -is girlfriend trying to recapture something?
-dd2 hasn't seen her dad without his girlfriend since they were introduced, seems to be moving a bit quickly

Dd2 seems much happier in herself since she stopped seeing him, I just want her to keep the door open to him until she is old enough to make a firm decision
He was EA to me, it's perfectly possible he could treat her the same way so I don't feel I should force her to see him

This is all so hard!