Dd anger outbursts - possible link to time spent with her father

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My 8 year old dd does not know what it's like to live with her father. He left when she was a tiny baby and has a new family. She has regular contact with him but not that frequent - e.g. Sometimes once a month, other times it may be twice a month. For a while it was even less frequent because he was abroad.

Last night she had a huge anger outburst about something minor that she was frustrated about and was really horrid, and even hit me. This was soon after she came back from an overnight visit to her dad - and she doesn't like going there overnight. Tonight she had a similar meltdown and was really horrible to me. Later she recovered and was her usual lovely self. I don't know what is going on with her. I have tried to talk to her but to no avail.

She is a bit temperamental but nothing quite this bad before. There seems to be some anger within her - which she is taking out on me. Could she be feeling unsettled about the situation with her father?

When she was younger I think she was accepting of her father and the whole situation without questioning it but I have noticed that in the last few months she has started asking some questions. Is it an age thing?

Does she have to go overnight?

Needaninsight - when she was younger she was fine with the occasional overnight stay - but about 8 months ago it started being an issue - she has since mainly gone for day visits but I was trying to do the right thing and convinced her to stay overnight to keep everyone happy.

I have no idea if this is the link, but it is breaking my heart to see my wonderful, kind, usually extremely well behaved girl lashing out at me.

Stop the overnights and see if things improve.

Yes because by 8 they can't generally be distracted from difficult questions like they could when they were younger.

Just a thought but could the anger be connected with her not wanting to stay overnight but even though you know this, she is still expected to do so. Has she said why she doesn't want to do overnight stays? I'm thinking that she may consider you as not ' on her side'.

On the overnight stays do you know who is there with them? Is there a direct correlation between the stays and her anger. Also remember that you don't know what's being said to her, is there a possibility that your ex is not being truthful and blaming the split firmly on you?

She sounds unhappy tbh. I have an 8 year old and his understanding and curiosity is increasing.

Try talking to your dad about these visits, see if they are the reason she's unhappy.

Her father is married with children. It's one of those situations where I have never met the new wife or been to their house. Dd says that she misses me too much when she stays overnight.

I always thought she was completely unaffected by him leaving us because she was so little but now I wonder - she is very "emotionally intelligent" and I wonder whether she is suddenly struggling with the situation.

Sounds like it could be anything tbh - the link to overnights seems possible but tenuous. Could even be a hormone surge. Have you spoken to her? What were the meltdowns about? What is it about overnights that she doesn't like?

Stopping overnight contact will be yet another change and may not have the desired effect, or may do in the short term but not long term.

Nomoretether - she has overnight visits infrequently. In any case, I don't want to stop her seeing her father - I have always encouraged it and have sung his praises notwithstanding how I really feel. But I am just trying to understand my little girl. I am very worried about her.

She needs a chance to tell you how she feels... The book "how to talk so kids will listen.... " )has some ideas.
Or ask go if there is family therapist or psychologist you can talk to. In some areas you can get a telephone consultation . To get some ideas on how to tease put of dd what is going on .

Thanks - I will try that book.

I can understand that. Both my DC have been through similar phases and it's normal to be concerned :)

Family therapy really helped us - even just one session, so that is an option. The therapist got DS to draw a picture of our houses and there was so much information in it that I couldn't see until she pointed it out.

How do you really feel about it? Children are very good at picking up on what is unsaid, even when we think we are doing a good job of putting on a brave face. She says she misses you too much; could she be worried about you being lonely without her?

yes getting her to draw her house and family tree can be very telling - but you need to make it part of everyday if you doing at home ie don't make a big deal of it.

but as nomore says, this is the kind of thing family therapy would do and yes it can be very telling

Would he be available for more contact? maybe it is quite unsettling for her as she will feel like a stranger or at best, a guest, in their house going there so infrequently.