Absent Father - how do you explain to a 5 year old?

[Scoobsmam13]

My DD is five and a half. Her father has been in and out of her life since we separated when she was 1. Before it has been for a few months here and there, but he has usually maintained some kind of contact. This time however, he saw her last four months ago (having seen her every weekend before that for a good few months) and hasn't been seen or heard from since. At first I said to her that he lived a long way away and it was difficult for him to come visit. I also said I thought his phone may be broken or lost, however she is a smart cookie and I know these excuses are no longer washing with her.

The door is always open to him if and when he makes contact, but I am sure for one reason and another this is going to be the way it always is for her with her dad, and that this time he won't be back any time soon.

I am conscious DD may be starting to think I am telling her fibs, but its hard to know how much of the truth I should tell her.
I would appreciate any tips and advice from anyone who may be going through this or indeed be on the other side of it with a child of a similar age.

Thanks all, lovely to be amongst people who understand!
I did used to message his mum (and thought she was lovely at the time) but she lives in NZ so we never actually met. The last contact from her was an email advising I contact her son's solicitor and get him to sign a bit of paper to say he won't have anything to do with DD's life so her son won't have to pay maintenance
Needless to say I haven't messaged her since!

Like you Lioninthesun, so appreciate being among those who understand. I have gotten so much more out of posting this thread than I ever imagined I would! My mindset has completely changed over the last few days, being able to read the experiences of others.
Lioninthesun my XH disappeared for a while back when my DD was the same age as yours. It was so hard as it is an age when so much is going on so I really feel for you. I too used to tell DD that her daddy loved her very much. I doubt I will utter those words again. I want her to think that people who love her will make an effort to tell her this themselves.
Poll32 Skype was something I encouraged my XH to do with my DD back in the day when he could be bothered to ring her once a week…….He never called.

I don't feel like i want to reach out to him to contact my DD. Partly because if he wants to the door is open. And also because although it is hard at times, my life is so much easier when he isn't about!
Smokinmirrors I love your "daddy knew what I good job I would do at being a mummy"! Stealing that one!

It amazes me, I don't understand how any parent could cut off all contact with their children?!?!

I don't feel like i want to reach out to him to contact my DD. Partly because if he wants to the door is open. And also because although it is hard at times, my life is so much easier when he isn't about!
This is true for me too! I sometimes imagine he would get in touch to speak to her or something and it's fine or 5 mins and then you suddenly remember all of the emotional crap that comes with them. I'd also be wondering why the sudden change of heart - probably will happen when he breaks up with g.f and wants to find the one unspoiled thing left in his life...
I know if I ever contacted him he'd see it as me trying to manipulate him in some way. I honestly think men can just bury their heads in the sand much easier. Mine has a whole new life in a big city with lots of money and a g.f who is loaded and job he gets to fly around the world for. The 6 months he spent with DD is probably a distant fuzzy memory through all of the parties and work-freebies over the last 2 years.

Hi, another mum of 2 ds who have a disappearing dad. Ds are 6 And 4. Saw dad most weekends for 4 hours ( his choice though lived very locally) and has been in a differnt country for last 6 months, called them twice!! And plans to make a new life there. It's Iran so needless to say the boys will not be visiting!
6 yo has aspergers so is more pragmatic ' I doubt we will see daddy again', whereas 4 yo often cries for the 'daddy' that took him out and bought him sweets and toys on a Sunday. I just stick to the facts, that I don't know if and when they will see daddy, I too say he is a bit grumpy (massive understatement again!), that he lives a long long way away as there are different things he wants to do, and that the boys have lots of people around who love them. Think they are adjusting.
It's also important to have friends that you can slate ex p too, when you need a bit of catharsis, out of the earshot of dc!

lion...I too would be accused of trying to manipulate him...and heaven forbid ask for money, apparently that makes me a kin to a Jeremy Kyle show participant! [ confused]

I think that is what makes it so strained - if they just want to waltz back into their lives when they are no longer financially liable after we've sweated blood and tears to get them what they need, it makes our view of them skewed. There is always that threat for me.
I know it is all about DD and how she is feeling and if she is happy, but her father disappearing isn't going to be something he has to deal with, but me and her. It would feel a little less pressured (and a lot less anger towards him) if he was willing to stand up and be a parent and take responsibility as well.

Our answer when dss and dsd where young was along the lines of... mummy has a poorly head (ie depression) and it means she doesn't think like other people do. She loves you but she doesn't remember to call/visit/write to you like the other people that love you do (cue whole list of family members to make them feel loved by many).

No lies, no fluffing around the truth. As they've got older they've understood more about mental health and have instigated chats about it whenever they feel the need.

Singlemummyplayinggrownup - I haven't done anything to encourage contact..he wasn't allowed to have DS unsupervised since he was a baby despite us living together at the time... He has never been interested in Ds and if anything Jealous of the fact I unconditionally loved my DS but not him...
There were an awful lot of issues...In my mind Ex was always going to drop out of DS's life was unlikely to ever be able to safely have unsupervised contact ( though I realise that happens to many when not safe) ... I consider him leaving him younger rather than later better for my DS...

I did bend over backwards to try and get Ex to bond with DS but he never did... so I have to just help him live with that.

I would much prefer he had sorted himself out and become a decent Dad..but contact was infrequent and this was also distressing to my son

I know he is better off without his Dad in his life long term but he doesn't know that ..

I do tell him how lucky he is to have a mummy who loves him..some 2 parent families don't have a parent who loves them as much as I love him... I also let him know some people have no mummy or daddy..

I do remember when he was about 3/4 him pointing to a really scruffy guy saying Daddy..I said no that's not your Daddy then pointed to a schoolboy and said Daddy

lion and Dippy oh the manipulation accusation is one I have heard many a time also. I can only imagine there is a hint of guilt there somewhere that needs to be eliminated by convincing themselves it is all someone else's fault!
whatahooha really interested to know at what stage you started to discuss mental health issues? I haven't brought that up with DD as thought it might worry her too much if I said XH was in anyway poorly or sad. It is a major factor in the reason XH is absent I believe, and one that I know I will bring up at some stage, but have no idea as to when.
To singlemummyplayinggrownup, I too like starlight1234 have not (this time) tried to reach out to encourage contact. Towards the end of XH contact with DD it always seemed from the brief 5 minutes when I dropped her off or collected her that it was all very forced for him. He would text frequently after a couple of hours and ask me to collect her an hour or two hours earlier than planned for one reason or another. Kids pick up on these things. He wasn't enjoying the time he was having with her and I found out later that actually she had been spending a large amount of the time with her Granny at the park while he "had a break".
Picking up the pieces when XH goes is heartbreaking. I dread him coming back, because I know for a fact he will just do this again to her.

By various means I managed to find out what Ds's disappearing dad got up to when he disappeared (underage prostitutes abroad for starters) and thankfully I have proof to boot.

So if he ever reappears I will eat nails rather than allow DS to meet with him. Can you imagine the 'long-lost father and son bonding drink' scenario?

DS: "So, Dad, what have you been up to all these years?"
XH: "Well son, I chose shagging little girls in Cambodia. It was fantastic and worth every minute I can tell you.."
DS: "Wow. Sounds amazing. I am so glad I found you."

I haven't spoke to my DS either about his MH but I don't believe that is the reason he doesn't see him... It would IMO be an excuse for my Ex ( not saying that isn't the case for others) I did the freedom program for survivors of Domestic abuse and realised a lot of what I was putting down to MH was simply abusive behaviour....

Smokin ....I am guessing that would not be xh's version of events as someone once said to me when have you ever heard an nrp with no contact say of I don't see DC as I am a complete waste of space.

Scoobs..... I also think there is also a point flitting in and out of a childs life simply becomes detrimental. Part the reason I wanted to go to court in the end was he would of got a contact order but once he gave that up he would not have any come back... However he couldn't be bothered to turn up in court either.

That also seems to be a redcurrant theme - the whole Court system used to punish the RP by the NRP. Ex took us to Court to try to get out of CSA payments and was laughed out of Court. It did however highlight that he was not keen on seeing her at all. The judge asked him to consider contact centres (I had been asking him to do these to keep up contact but, I thought just because it was my idea, he had been refusing) and he blankly refused. I know now that I have done all I can to encourage contact, as well as have a Judge back me up and confirm DD will want to see him and that contact centres are the best idea. He hasn't contacted us since Court and I have to say I don't feel guilt that I haven't chased him since. He knows how to get hold of us but doesn't. I know I will never have to say to DD that I stopped contact, because that is ALL on him.