Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

How often should i let my ex see our baby once its born?

51 replies

excitedmummytobe · 28/03/2014 16:05

Hi iv looked everywhere for this topic but found nothing so thought Id post my own :)

im currently pregnant with my ex's baby. Brief explanation: together 15months, baby planned, got sick of his disrespectful attitude and behaviour and chucked his sorry behind out before i found out i was pregnant around 6wks ago.

His father never left his mother alone and was abusive, my ex has similar traits to his father and im concerned how much he is going to force himself into my life once baby is here, assuming he doesnt do the opposite...i cant predict his behaviour.

We have not yet discussed visits and he does work a lot of hrs (12+hrs 5days pw) so that should keep him out of my hair alot but how often do you suggest i let him see the newborn? Im pretty certain by the time baby is here ill want to spend as little time possible with him if he continues how he is. im concerned hell expect to be there everyday and im not sure i could deal with the stress of him and a new born.

So, how often would you let him be in your home seeing the baby over the first few months? there is no way he is taking that baby out of my sight for a few months at least so i have to be around him for them to bond. Also, anyone learnt how to put their foot down with an ex who is stubborn and child-like in their problem solving skills (e.g. you tell him u need an apology for the disgusting ways he spoke to you and he will ignore you for days or until you apologise which iv stopped apologising).

Any helpful advice or experience welcome :) thank you

OP posts:

Russianfudge · 29/03/2014 20:14

But who decides who is the RP?

MeepMeepVroooom · 29/03/2014 20:26

You know full well the mother is most likely to be the RP, whether that decision is made my the Mum, Dad, jointly or a court I wouldn't care to venture a guess at everyone is different and their situations will obviously vary.

If the Dad is the RP then it would also be one of the above.

However as you know unless there are exceptional reasons the chances are the DC will stay with the Mum (where a court is ruling)

MeepMeepVroooom · 29/03/2014 20:27

Bloody phone, try and read through the typos.

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier · 29/03/2014 20:34

I hate that children miss out on seeing both parents together because they are separated. i want my child to grow up doing things as a family not just sometimes with mum sometimes with dad so i want to get a long with him

If You are not with your baby's Father , do not make it look like you are for the sake of your child, this will be much more confusing for him/her than mum is mum and dad is dad.

Russianfudge · 29/03/2014 20:40

I would have preferred my ex to be the RP. But she would only breastfeed for two weeks before wailing and wailing at the mere suggestion of it. I would have gone back to work in a flash but dp of the time wouldn't have had it.

In other European countries it is just as acceptable for Dad to take the maternity leave which would leave Dad as the Rp in the case of a split.

MeepMeepVroooom · 29/03/2014 21:09

I fail to see the relevance to this thread Russian.

Russianfudge · 29/03/2014 21:25

Well because the OP is worried of of her child being away from her when very young and I'm suggesting that if it were, it wouldn't be the worst thing. It's very hard personally to let a young baby away from you, but its you that suffers (in my very humble opinion) not the child.

GiveTwoSheets · 29/03/2014 21:40

OP - I would concentrate on taking care of yourself and dont worry about all this until you had baby as so much can change. Ie.. You might feel you want him round all the time to help once baby is born or he might have a personally transplant the list is endless. So wait until baby is born. Have you got plans for when you go into labour, who you want at hospital with you etc

With regards to the apology the way I see it if you got to twist his ATM basically for one then he's not really sorry just saying it for sake of it and not realised errors of his ways.

GiveTwoSheets · 29/03/2014 21:42

Arm not ATM

JazzyCardi · 29/03/2014 21:45

excited congratulations!

Russian what does your ex's breast-feeding experiences have to do with this?

MeepMeepVroooom · 29/03/2014 21:54

Ah well the law disagrees for the most part.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 29/03/2014 21:57

russian do you have 3 parents to work out contact with? Was it easy without much bad feeling?

Russianfudge · 30/03/2014 08:02

Needs and jazzy - apologies for my terrible syntax! I was talking about my dd. I meant that I would have preferred my ex (her dad) to have been the RP for our baby but that it's easy for me to say that as breast feeding wasn't a consideration. My DD would only feed from me for a short time and then wailed and fought it so went on to formula. For me, as I wasn't breast feeding I couldn't understand why it was assumed that I would be RP.

As it was we had shared residency and although to start with he didn't have dd much (his choice, which I hated) he did have her over night and as I had a career she was also with a childminder for long days. I was trying to convey to OP (though badly!) that when her baby comes, it may not be the worst thing to have it over night with it's dad. I don't find the comments about how bad it is for children to be away from mum over night until six months (?!) or longer helpful to mums like me who had no choice, or to OP who may actually be okay with it when the time comes. The child won't suffer.

Although if breast feeding I can imagine it would be harder.

Russianfudge · 30/03/2014 08:05

I would actually suggest that it would be kinder on the child to start over nights soon (even if at Ops home to begin with with dsd taking charge of the care) as six months is a tricky age for children to separate.

UK law gets it very wrong a lot of the time in regards to children.

ChasedByBees · 30/03/2014 08:19

I disagree totally RF, particularly if OP does breastfeed. My DD breastfeed through the night until well past 12 months. I had to go on business trips from 9 months and she was left with her father (who I live with) and she was still distressed in the morning at my absence (or more likely, milk's absence).

If the baby has met the father little and often then it won't be a wrench to stay overnight at a year old. But it's totally the OP's decision if she wanted to have a private arrangement but it doesn't sound like she does want that.

Russianfudge · 30/03/2014 08:33

We all have different opinions. Personally I couldn't deny my dd adequate time with her dad and to feel comfortable with his care at the earliest opportunity. But as I say, I didn't have breast feeding to consider.

Personally (without derailing this in to a BF thread) I would prioritise overnights with dad over BF (past six months). I feel for long term development, and less of a wrench for the child later on, that it's important.

OP may welcome the nights off too!

Thing is OP, you don't know how you'll feel. I was really pissed off that I was lumbered with the bulk of the care while he was unencumbered. If dd did go there over night people would be give me these sad eyes like "oh how awful for you" and I really resented it. No one seemed to give him the sad eyes!

Don't commit to anything yet

BelleateSebastian · 30/03/2014 09:06

I think you are trying to validate your feelings and circumstance Russianfudge that's fine but probably not the right place?

Congratulations op so much can change between now and when your baby arrives, I would concentrate on maintaining a courteous civil relationship with your ex, I wouldnt plan on 'all doing things as a family' if I were you, new partners could very well be on the scene by then which would put the cat amongst the pigeons in that department !

Russianfudge · 30/03/2014 09:15

Nope. Just giving a different perspective to OP about how she may feel when the time comes

MeepMeepVroooom · 30/03/2014 09:49

Russian have you actually missed the part about this man having been emotionally abusive towards the OP and the fact she doesn't want the baby staying overnight?

What you did was obviously fine for you but for a lot of people it wouldn't have been. The majority of mothers wouldn't though. Thankfully the law and child physiologists disagree with your opinions.

I get your a step parent so all for the NRP rights but come on. It's like you bunch have started trolling the lone parent boards for kicks. It transparent and juvenile. Enjoy yourself. It's certainly amusing to read, it is written for comedic value yes?

Sharaluck · 30/03/2014 10:00

I read your op and I worry that you may be at risk/more vulnerable if he continues his disrespectful attitude and behaviour once the baby is born.

Do you have friends/family that can be with you in your home when he visits? I think this support may help you.

Russianfudge · 30/03/2014 11:02

That's nasty meep, I come on lone parents because I was one and I feel that my opinions on the matter are valid. If you don't feel that they are then that is your prerogative but I'm certainly not trolling.

Men who are terrible partners can be excellent fathers. My ex was a cheat and a lier and emotionally abused me through PND but we were both young and naive then. As a dad he is totally different. He still lies and manipulates me but honestly, he is fantastic with our dd. Violence is a different matter entirely of course.

It's just an alternative view point. That's all.

Russianfudge · 30/03/2014 11:04

Also, the law says a child can decide whether they have a relationship with either parent from as young as around 11, I believe. I don't hold the law in very high regard as far as protecting children.

nomoretether · 30/03/2014 11:24

Where is that information from?
There are no hard and fast rules in law AFAIK, each case is done on an individual basis.

Also, child psychologists (I assume you didn't mean physiologists), would not all argue for what you are proposing. In fact many, if they study child development theories, will be absolutely clear that the loss of (or absence of) a substantial relationship with a caregiver such as a father can have negative effects reaching into adulthood and potentially very, very difficult to repair.

Monetbyhimself · 30/03/2014 11:57

Congrstulations on your pregnancy

The family law system in this country has many flaws but luckily recognises that a tiny baby, particularly one which is breast fed cannot be away from it's mother for long periods. Short, regular contact is best. You don't have to be 'together parents' to be good parents. You don't have to carve your childs life up 50/50 so that you both get an equal 'share'.
Try and keep the channels of communication open, use other family members to help you communicate and hopefully once the baby is here your Ex will realise how tiny and vulnerable this little creature is and will work WITH you rather than against you. Good luck OP and keep posting.

MeepMeepVroooom · 30/03/2014 18:50

Where is that information from?

The information has been compiled from various legal bodies and the NHS' advice to form part of pamphlet for a charity that have a division to specifically help women facing pregnancy and parenting whilst separated from the child father.

I assume you didn't mean physiologists

Yes - auto correct

In fact many, if they study child development theories, will be absolutely clear that the loss of (or absence of) a substantial relationship with a caregiver such as a father can have negative effects reaching into adulthood and potentially very, very difficult to repair.

Yes and nowhere on this thread has anyone said that the child should not be given ample opportunity to bond with their Father. In fact I think the term that has been used by most posters is little and often to begin with (also mentioned within the body of the pamphlet).

Flip

1 2 3