DD is asking about 'daddy' again?

[VioLetsMum1]

Long story short, DD's father is on bail and not allowed to come in contact with under 16's until crown court hearings. Social services told me to stop access visits last year and we had real problems with DD's behavior for a while after this because she couldn't understand why she was seeing him one min and gone the next. I'd just say he was at work or a bit busy. But now times gone on, shes three now and more aware. The kids at nursery get picked up by their dad's and now she's asking questions again. Like is daddy going to pick me up etc. She's not accepting the reasons I'd give her before like he's gone to work because she says mummies and daddies come home from work for cuddles. I don't know what to say to her now. Any clues?

Truthfully I would go with the "Daddy has had to go away for a while, he still's loves you but we don't know when he will be able to come back" route. Kids need very little explanation at this age. If she asks where he's gone try saying he is away to try and sort out a grown up problem.

Reassure her as much as you can that you love her and that you are always there for her too.

I know it's tough but please avoid details. They really don't need them and it may confused her more.

Thanks I'll try something like that when she brings it up. Will probably be tomorrow at nursery pick up time. Hate to see her like this but something like the situation we're in I don't think I could ever tell her the real story until she was an older teen. Which I'm dreading because I think she'll think i'm the bad guy for all those years. How do you tell your child your father's been convicted of xy and z? Makes me so sad for the future.

I know it'll be terrible but you've plenty of time until it reaches that point.

Have a look at the prisonersfamilies website you might find better support and advice over there than you do here.

Sorry posted to soon.

Although a completely different situation my Mum made the dedecision to keep something from me at the same age your daughter is now, she kept it from my older brother too.

She lived with this secret for 18 years and like you was scared how we would react when she eventually told us. Both my brother and I were more upset at how upset she was with how she thought we might react. The reality was we were upset by the information but wanted more than anything to comfort our Mum and make sure she knew we didn't blame her for keeping the information from us. We were both old enough to understand that we were too young to have understood at the time and filly support our Mum's decision.

That has made me feel a bit better about it all. Thank you. I hope my child will be as understanding as you and your brother were in your situation xx

You just need to judge the right time for yo daughter to know. You could even tell your daughter he's in jail at a younger age (if he goes to jail) but just not exactly what for. Like I said children really don't need huge amounts of detail.

I'm sure your daughter will understand your reasons for wanting to protect her.

you need to decide on a narrative that is truth that you stick to.
telling her untruths wont wash.

tell her something simple - "daddy did something he should not have done and he isnt allowed to see you right now. he has to get some special help from people, like special teachers. theya re going to help teach him how to be a good daddy. this will take a long time. you might be able to see him when you older."

if you in doubt get a referral from GP to famimly therapist/psychologist and talk it through with them.

you also need to empathise with her reflective lsitineing - yes it isnt fair that your daddy cant come. but let's go make a cake/you will see grandad on tehe weekend/ etc