Feel like I've failed my DS

[Jennynero]

Without going into too much background, I'm a SP with 3 DS 5, 7 & 9. I left an emotionally and physically abusive marriage 3 years ago. We moved to London last year and their dad now only sees them when I drive home in school holidays.

My relationship with my eldest DS hit rock bottom yesterday evening. I drove back to my parents house 200 miles away with my DS's as I couldn't face another weekend alone with eldest DS.

He is doing well at school but at home it's a different story. He is so unrelentingly defiant and horrible to his brothers and me. To list just a few things that he did yesterday that pushed me to breaking point. Wouldn't get dressed for school and made me late for work (does this every day) violent (he hit smallest DS in the face with an Xbox controller), threw my laptop across the room because I put a password on it (he was looking at inappropriate games on YouTube), kicked other DS in the back really hard, refused to go to a party after school which me and other DS's were looking forward to, had got ready for and couldn't go in the end because DS literally refused (he often refuses to go anywhere I plan and ruins it for other DS and I end up trapped in the house on weekends with no adult company).Traipsed mud from the garden up the cream stairs which he got on his shoes whilst refusing to come in the house to get dressed for said party, threw my waterlogged (full) ashtray which was in the garden across the patio, spreading stinky cig water and butts everywhere (I know I shouldn't smoke but I only smoke outside and its my emotional crutch right now). All whilst telling me he hates me, his brother are stupid, his dad is superman etc etc

In the end I broke and told him to pack his bags and that he could go and live with his dad (I feel terrible about this now).

Most of the things described above he does (and more) every single waking day. I'm so exhausted from the constant battles and mediating with him. We have been to CAHMS who were useless and discharged him after not even assessing him properly. I really don't think I can live with him anymore even though I love him so much. I feel like I've failed him and it's pushing me into depression.

I've tried reward charts, positive parenting, shouting, time out, taking away privileges etc etc and nothing works. My other DS are manageable, even though DS 2 has ADHD he's a breeze compared to DS1.

Would it be better to let DS1 live with his dad if that's what he says he wants. I know he will still feel like I'm abandoning him and me and his brothers will miss him but I can't go on like this anymore.

I would contact Women's Aid if you have already tried GP route. My local one does counselling for children who have been affected by domestic abuse.

He sounds remarkably like my eldest who, after being assessed at 6 and told nothing wrong, was finally diagnosed as autistic. For years I put it down to the separation/divorce but now I can see it was partly that but there was more to it.
I would persist with your GP. The squeaky wheel gets the oil...

And also, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. It is so, so difficult, and the guilt you feel at having had enough of your own child... Be kind to yourself. You're doing everything you can and that's all you can do. It will get better.

I'm sorry you're going thru this with your DS. I had exactly the same thing with DS1 after separation with XH. It was as if he was taking all his anger out on me, as if the split was all my fault. It was extremely hard to handle and had me a breaking point too. When he was older he spent some time living with XH as I had had enough - completely unacceptable behaviour, but eventually we managed to smooth things out and now we are close and he is kind and caring and also looks out for DS2 and DD - which is wonderful to see after so much anguish.

Stay strong for your DCs, speak to your GP and get whatever help you need to get you thru this. Hugs

My DD has been very similar to this bullying me since I split with ExH. The root of her anger seems to be at ExH for leaving to shack up with OW (his actions told her this not anything I have said). However, she was scared to be upset with him so took it out on me.
Counselling for her helped a bit, but actually him making some incredibly poor choices so she no longer seems him has virtually resolved the bullying behaviour.

Hugs for you. Its so incredibly hard parenting at the best of times let alone with WWIII that your DS is waging on you. I don't have any advice of value other than I s&m thinking of you and hope you persist until you get support. You need it.

Thank you everyone for your support. I feel much better after spending the weekend with my parents. They both had a chat with DS1 about his behaviour. His dad on the other hand was no where to be seen.

I think I do need to look for counselling for him as his dad definitely has influenced DS1's lack of respect etc for me by constantly undermining my decisions. It's hurts to know my DS is in pain from the separation which makes me feel even worse for not handling it better.

It's good to hear you finally patched things up with your DS and gives me hope that one day our relationship will be better. His dad is losing interest in the children since we moved and I can only hope when he stops contact that my son will forgive me for leaving his dad and understand that I had no choice.

Jenny school helped me find a counsellor for DD who she sees in school time. I just remain firm and consistent with her.

I am beginning to see that my firm and consistent base is what she needs and that we are beginning to come out the other side.

go back to your gp and back to CAMHS

even if he not displaying behaivour at school you can self refer to educational psychologist service

keep a behaviour diary ABC antecedent behaviour conseuqence to show GP/CAMHS

insit on getting help - ask for family therapy for you and DC

Sorry you are going through this. It seems that he and you have slipped into some sort of pattern. My DS1 is 6, he is very defiant and very resistant to discipline and telling him off. It is a control thing - the more I try to discipline him, the worse is his behaviour.

I recommend reading "The Explosive child". It helped me alot. Stay positive. You need a break, but you also need a quality time with him only. How about you propose to him trying his best for a week and then he gets special mummy time. Believe he needs it!

It sounds as he may have underlying special needs - does he have issues at school? My DS1 has issues with social interaction, too, but the school has identified it and working along (monitoring at the first place).

When I let my DS1 be independent (to help me, care for his brother, decide by himself right from wrong), then he is much happier.