How do you all cope as a single parent?

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

bluejelly · 02/08/2006 12:27

Found the first two years really tough but now dd is older (6) I don't find it hard at all.
Are you thinking of going down taht path?

Han4Dan · 02/08/2006 12:29

can be at times but on the other hand your in control of money/what you wanna do/what you watch on tv. I liked it sometimes but othertimes i missed another person to share things with. With everything there's pro's and con's.

bluejelly · 02/08/2006 12:31

I think being a single parent is loads better than being in a shit relationship though

theflumpsmum · 02/08/2006 12:34

hi blue ..it is very hard at first but you get used to it very quickly lol .ive been a lone parent now for nearly two years and at times its hard ,and very exhausting but most of the time its great.it does help that i have great family support and my ex is very suprisingly a great dad still,who sees his kids once during the week and has them overnight at least one night every weekend.
the hardest part i think is not having someone there to backyou up during the bad times ie when theyre naughty and driving you insane lol,or when theyre ill etc.
to be honest tho,kids and myself are alot better off now,my relationship wasnt that bad but even that affected the kids somewhat.

Bugsy2 · 02/08/2006 12:43

Depends on what you are starting from. If you have a really hands on helpful partner then it would be tough going it alone. If you are considering having a baby on your own, well you'll never know any differently. If you are being abused or are just really miserable then despite being poorer, it is better!
Whatever your circs, as the children get older it definitely gets easier.

nikkie · 02/08/2006 12:48

The main thing that I have found hard (was preg with dd2 when we split) was if I was ill but I have always had a lot of back up from my parents so was lucky that way.
I also find it difficult when I am worried about one of the kids and need a second opinion (should I phone emergency dr or not? etc)

Caligula · 02/08/2006 12:52

Agree with Bugsy. It depends where you're starting from.

It's no harder than being in a very shit relationship. And it has its compensations. Hope for one.

Original poster

BlueBluePink · 02/08/2006 13:03

I am in a relationship that is not good, he is very verbally, emotionaly, and physically abusive, i have caught him chatting to other women via internet and phone many times and i dont trust him really, he is an ok dad he loves the kids very very much and plays football and such with them, but he rations there toys as he thinks they are messy things, he is obsessively tidy about there stuff (never his own) and he is very manipulative - i dont fancy him and we dont have any kind of sex life as i cant bring myself to go near him tbh, its quite clear im fighting a lossing battle by staying here but im really scared of being on my own with 3 kids (they are 6, 3, and almost 1)i was on my own briefy when ds1 was a baby and i was ok, i got lonely at times but it was ok as a whole, we have tried to work things out many times, but it just never works, he cries and begs me to stay he tells me he so sorry and he loves me, but i give in and he goes right back to his old ways, he is alot better but i just cant cope with his temper and his hideous self hygiene (baths, showers - never, which i find completely disgusting) how do i bring myself to leave and to be strong about it? how do i tell the kids? how do i deal with it all?

OP posts:

Bugsy2 · 02/08/2006 13:09

It is a huge decision to take BBP. Anyone who tells you otherwise hasn't grasped the magnitude of separating from a partner or husband.
Are you married - would you be looking at getting a divorce?
What is the money situation like? Do you think he would support you and the children? Where would you be intending to live?
There are a great deal of very practical issues to think about.

spook · 02/08/2006 13:11

God Blue-hardly surprising you can't bring yourself to have sex with him.
Single parenthood can be incredibly hard but not as hard as putting up with a controlling, voilent,malicious,manipulative and smelly man.
So he loves his kids-he still will just at a distance from you. This is a time when you will probably have to be stronger than you've ever been in your whole life but you will look back on it in a few years time and wonder what the fuss was about. I promise.
Children are incredibly resilient and will miss their dad but will have a happy mum which at the end of the day is just-if not alot more-important.
When and how you tell them is a decision only you can make but don't try and hide things from them too much.They will know and you will hurt them and possibly lose some trust. The need for them to know they're loved and that the split had NOTHING to do with them is paramount.
From what it sounds like a huge huge weight will be lifted of all your lives if you go ahead and take the plunge.
Good luck honey-we're all here to help.

Original poster

BlueBluePink · 02/08/2006 13:19

Thanks girls! i am not married to him so there would be no divorce issues which is obviously a huge bonus! i know i would be skint and i would be lonely sometimes but i cant help but think i would be so much better off emotionally and mentally without him! Im so very very terrified of the prospect though! - if im completley honest, im not sure if i am brave enough to go through with it yet - if maybe at all! - but it is definately something i think about ALOT

OP posts:

Han4Dan · 02/08/2006 13:20

It was the best desition i have ever made i was so happy even throught the hard bits and i cried alot but when ihad my own home with just me and the kids i was so happy and wished i'd done it earlier. good luck on whatever you decide. do what's best for you and the kid/kids.

spook · 02/08/2006 13:37

Oh Blue-the very thought was like hell on earth to me. The idea of being on my own...
I had no choice in the matter. If I had a choice-like you- I would never in a zillion years have done it. BUT-it is nowhere near as hard as you think it is going to be. As long as you have friends and family and he will help you financially you will get through.
But I know it is not a decision to be made lightly and no-one will think any the less of you if you stick it out at home.

bluejelly · 02/08/2006 13:38

Oh you poor thing BBP.
He sounds like he doesn't deserve you at all!
It's scarey to think about beign on your own but having come out of a bad relationship it scares me more to think about what would've happened if I'd stayed...

The first few months might be hard but if you decide to go for it I think you'll be amazed at how well you will cope.
You only have one life and I think it's too short to stay with a man who is making you so

bluejelly · 02/08/2006 13:41

Also you won't be on your own forever... there are lots of people in RL and on here who have found new loving partners... I know it feels hard to imagine but it really does happen.

Caligula · 02/08/2006 13:46

Do you think your relationship is save-able? Have you suggested Relate? Would he be prepared to countenance the idea of saving his relationship (it always amazes me the number of men who would rather let family, children, home etc. go west, rather than attend a few relationship counselling sessions)?

jellyjelly · 02/08/2006 22:28

It is very hard both emotionally and physically but it is the best decision i ever made and i have only been single a few weeks. I am glad he had his affair and i am glad i found out. I will have highs and lows as you will if/when you split up. At the moment i am on a high but when i couldnt find a solicitor i cried and it is the smaller things that i have cried about rather than the big ones. I grieved for the relationship btu i dont think of him the first thing in the morning and i havent for weeks. I even saw then kiss today and it didnt feel too bad.

As long as i get the house, he pays maintenance and he doesnt take my son i shall be happy as larry.

nightowl · 03/08/2006 18:46

bbp...sometimes you have to be true to yourself. it can be very frightening and you do wonder for a while if you did the right thing. i had to choose once between carrying on with a stable but rubbish life, or going it on my own...and it was tough. i chose to go it on my own and it worked out in the end. 100% i know i did the right thing...and you do cope, better than you imagine....(and yes, it does get easier!)

jen1206 · 11/08/2006 15:35

I have been a single mother my son's whole life so its all I know. It wasn't hard for me at all (but I guess that's because I didn't know any different) I do admit that sometimes things are a little harder, when I'm trying to chase around my son, get him fed, bathed, in bed all on my own etc, but it just has to be done!

lornaross · 04/09/2006 08:19

I am thinking of leaving my husband but am scared to as i have no savings and can't afford to be on my own.

horsecrazy · 04/09/2006 23:35

my husband left me and our four children six days ago and its pretty hard, I have gone through heartbreak, devastation, dispair, and now anger.........its hard work but you somehow cope and find a way.

beebie · 05/09/2006 10:48

I've been on my own from when my daughter(who is now 6)was 3 months old, then I was with my sons dad for 5 months when my daughter was 3, but that didnt last long, so I've been pretty much single right the way through being a parent, at times it can be hard and you feel lonely, especially when you see families out together or read about people on here for example talking about their families but on the other hand its also nice to know you can cope on your own without the help of a man, I'm seeing someone now though and we are getting engaged soon, I wouldnt say it is really hard work, I suppose it depends on you as a person, everybody copes differently.