advice please

[Daisypops]

Exdp and I separated in oct 12. We have two dc. 7 & 2.

Ex saw the children every 4/5 weeks. His choice not mine. No.phone contact in between.

He has a new partner who he says he has been with for a year though I think it is less than that. (He text me in sept to say he'd met someone and was in love .

Last week I asked him if he was off work at the weekend would he like the dc. Me instigating contact again. He said yes he would take them out to the park and then to a relatives. I was fine with this. Dc were excited.

I asked if he would send me a pic of them at the park. He did. Only they weren't at the park he'd taken them to his house and introduced them to his gf without me knowing. .I didn't even know the girls name until Saturday. I have no idea where they live.

I am not jealous of them. I ended the relationship for a number of reasons and I am.much happier. I am glad he has found someone and is happy but what I don't like is that he lied to me. I just think maybe he should have asked me and we should have discussed it first.

I think he should spend time seeing the dc on his own because up until now he has only asked to see them once a month. It is only in the last two months dc1 has agreed to see him again. There waa a period of time where she wouldn't see him despite my encouragement.

I accept that the dc will one day meet his gf. I have no objection to this but I would like to meet her too and I think he needs to repair his relationship with dc1 first.

Please dont have a go at me over this. Its not helpful and im finding it all emotionally exhausting.

I think you can express your wishes re: your baby if you want OP!!!

If you don't want her to bath her or change her nappy, I think you're right to say so.

And I can see why too. It might be confusing for your daughter to have another woman doing this intimate care. Esp. so soon. Stand up for what you want! :-)

Sorry, but why on earth would it be "confusing" for a child to have another woman changing her nappy? No different to a nursery carer doing it, or a friend - except this is emotionally charged as it is OP's ex's girlfriend. OP may feel upset, or uncomfortable with it, but ultimately, when DD is in her dad's care, it is not within the remit of OP's ability to control who changes DD's nappy - hence my advice to OP to concentrate on what she really CAN control and have influence over, rather than the things she can't - which will only have detrimental effects on OP's level of recovery from the split. Standing up for what you want is fine, except when all it will lead to is further difficulty in communication, and bitterness, and resentment - which ultimately will only harm the DCs.....

So OP, yes, express an opinion, but please don't threaten to cut off your DD's contact with her dad over who changes a nappy or gives her a bath (unless you have real and reasonably founded fears for the DCs' safety). Keep your strength for sorting out the things that really will make a difference to your DCs' stability - like maintenance and access.

I do have sympathy OP, I have been where you are - with my DCs, aged 4 and 2 (and still in nappies) going to their dad's with his gf.

Ditto, with great empathy, I agree with what the previous poster said. Worrying and trying to influence these things will tear you apart if you let it.

Unfortunately, I think the OPs restrictions on her DDs care may damage what appears to be (on the surface) a fairly reasonable relationship with her DDs dad and his g/f. He told her about the g/f some time ago, explained that it was serious, and has even agreed to delay contact for a few more months to give the OP the chance to come to terms with the situation. The g/f has agreed to meet, at the request of the OP, and has even offered the OP the chance to meet her own DS. She seems to be going out of her way to reassure the OP, and in response, the OP is issued demands regarding her DDs care.

It's over a year since the OP and her ex split; has noone other than the OP changed her DDs nappy in that time?

Sometimes, the reason that exW are considered to be bitter isn't only because of what their exH says about them - their own behaviour often reinforces the picture that the exH has painted.

Frog I totally agree. I have been in this position and on the other side of the fence as gf of dad with children. The only way to keep healthy relationships ALL around and to keep your sanity and your own personal harmony and that of your kids is to let go.

Thanks for your posts. The whole thing has affected me greatly. My relationship with exp was difficult. As I said before EA, alcohol, violent once but he doesn't remember as he was drunk, he was unfaithful a number of times, gave me an STI, and he lied a lot, threatened suicide once. He has a lot of issues that he would never address as it could affect his job. . He was and is always loving with the dc but he is very selfish and never did anything with them, he always put himself first. I do have a lot of hang ups still about how he treat me and I admit I am still very fragile. I am very protective of my children, probably overly so for whatever reason. But I am slowly coming to terms with gf been in my dcs lives.
To answer the OP question. Only me and my mum have changed dd2's nappy. She cares for her when I work.

I have no regrets over ending the relationship. Can anyone shed any light on why I feel like I do now? I suffer with anxiety. Emotional charged situations trigger it, hence a shocking anxiety attack ladt night.

Thank you again for posting. Your advice is helpful andI am taking it on board.

I'm just the same Daisypops. It's so tough. Big hug!