Telling a 4 year old his parents are separating? Any experience/advice

[babypup]

Hi everybody,

My husband and I have made the very difficult decision to separate. This has been a hard choice, and we have tried counselling, but have come to the end of the road. Our son is 4 (5 at the end of April) and whilst an outgoing character, is a bag of nerves and insecurities underneath, it's just his nature. He has been experiencing some nerves habits/behaviours over the past year which makes this even harder. We are planning on explaining the decision that his father is moving out this weekend.

I'm keen to hear from others who have dealt with this situation with children of a similar age. How did you tell them? How did they react? Anything I should be considering that may not have crossed my mind? Stories of people who have come through it? I feel I need to get this conversation right but just don't know where to start. If he cries I think that I will break down.

I feel awful about the prospect of doing this to my son, but I have fought so hard for my marriage and it's just not worked. Ladies, any thoughts, advice would be really appreciated xxx

had to tell my son (aged 5 at time) and daughter (aged 10 at time) the same thing 18 months ago.

Please do not do what my ex wife did was "daddy does not love them any more". I moved out but it was my ex who had affair!!

I have seen a number of friends go through a similar experience and where the kids have coped best is where parents have put feelings for ex to one side and worked together to help the children.

I saw one couple explain that mummy and daddy still loved their children but mummy and daddy had decided to live in different homes.

If you can agree on contact and maintain some kind of routine ie fifty / fifty. Alternate weekends and night during week. Every sat. Being able to explain to him that both mummy and daddy want to see him as much as possible.

get him involved when he is leaving family home to visit daddy (what toys, books etc does he want to take).

Assuming he may be staying overnight at daddys let him pick some posters if he will have his own room, bedding?

My son used to get upset if he forgot his DS or could not go out on bike as it was at other house but he's come to realise that he has different toys at mine. We both like lego so he looks forward to playing that.

Try and maintain relationship with ex so that you can discuss issues (he may be stressed but being able to talk about it and work with ex together is better for child in long run).

I personally would do the talk together. So that way he can see you are both there for him.

When i talked to mediation people they said there was evidence that a child to continue to see parents talk helps. So maybe not everytime but if you can have a coffee together prior or after drop off then do it. Every separation is different and some people cannot bear to be in same room but being able to see that you both still love him will help with his security.

Don';t let him overhear you shouting or getting into arguments with ex if you can help it.

All the four, five and six years of separated / divorced parents seem to have adjusted better when they have a regular routine. Not always possible depending on working patterns.

I have also seen different couples act differently with regards to "critiquing" ex's parenting style. ie if you insist on eating at table and ex allows eating in bedroom then that can cause issues. If you insist on no TV after 6pm and ex allows TV whenever. If you have bed time by 7:30 and ex allows 9 then that will cause problems.

But don't fight over everything, compromise and discuss the real issues.

Speak to teachers and explain situation and ask them to highlight any differences in behaviour.

Keep talking to him and reassuring him. As difficult a decision that you have made he will grow up with two parents being happier apart than two sad parents being together. Going forward surely that is better for him long term seeing two happier parents. (even though you may not be happy now)

Good luck

I had to do this two years ago when my daughter as 5. I got her Dad to come round and we told her together, we explained that Mummy and Daddy couldnt live together any more and that we were going to stay friends. We told her we still loved her very much. She seems to take it in her stride.

Good luck.x

We also made sure we were ready to answer any questions she had too.x

as others have said do it together in words he will understand and only the bits he needs to know: you both still love him but are not going to live together but still will be friends.

we had book mum and dad glue ready to read to ours too which was good. we told DDS (8, 6) a week before he left. in between we all visited his new house together and saw their room there.

be prepared for lots of questions and lots if tears, from everyone. we tried to stick to normal routines and making sure they knew when they would see dad next.

we have tried to stay friendly too but its very hard but we are polite and kind in front of DDS especially.

they can call him/face time him whenever they like. although to start with youngest did this a lot its tailed off.

tell nursery/school headteachers and specify who u want to know this information.

we did it in November and seem to be adjusting well. kids are resilient little things. wishing you all the very best

we separated when my ds was 1 so he has never known anything different. 10 years on i would say he is a well adjusted boy who knows both his parents love him immensely.

i have made a point of never criticising his father to him. believe me, it has taken every ounce of strong will not to do so. but at age 11 he is beginning to work things out for himself....

we parent very differently which is really hard; me meals at tables, good manners etc, him breakfast in front of tv on the sofa, me regular/early bed, him up til whenever suits, etc. but as I can't change that I have just told ds that at our house it's my rules and at his dad's house it's his dad's rules.

there have been times of tears and rage from my ds that it is all my fault that we don't live with his dad (again, bit my tongue and kept quiet as his dad walked out on us after a string of affairs saying he needed his own space!). but we have worked through it all.

if they feel loved by both parents and comfortable in both homes i think you will be fine.

a couple of other books which were useful during the tears & rage stage aged about 4/5:
Two Homes
Two of Everything
Dinosaurs divorce

do you have divorced friends you can say to your ds, "look, so & so's mummy & daddy dont live together but are happy etc"? I suddenly realised that there was no-one in my son's class who was divorced when he started school, but I was able to point out one other family we knew, and that seemed to make it ok, ie it wasnt just him whose mum & dad didnt live together.

Good Luck, I am sure you will all be fine, can't deny there will be tough moments, but so long as you make sure he knows how much you both love him it will be ok.

babypup, hope it went ok at the weekend and you are all ok ?