DS sleeping arrangement at xH's

[EllieInTheRoom]

Please tell me if I sound like a sniping ex looking for an excuse to pick a fight, I feel like thats how it might seem if I mention this concern to STBXH

DS and I moved out a week ago and STBXH moved back in from his DPs after a three month stay with them. When we first split DS (2) became very unsettled at night. He started to climb out of his cot. He would be so worked up he would quite literally throw himself out of it. STBXH was aware of this and was there at the time.

I moved DS into the spare room where he seemed a lot happier and slept on a single bed. When we moved out, I took the spare bed with us. The cotbed is still in the old house and I left the manual and the correct tools out for XH to turn it into a cotbed for DS's overnight visits.

He hasn't however, which shouldn't be a surprise really. He has put DS to sleep in the cot and says when he wakes he will just take him into his own bed.

I am worried now incase DS hurts himself. Its also annoying as it has taken me several weeks to work up to DS sleeping on his own again and if he shares with his DF tonight we'll be back to square one I know it.

Am I allowed to say that if he doesn't provide proper sleeping arrangements, he can't stay overnight again? Or am I just being petty?

Or do I have no rights to say that whatsoever?

I am not an expert - but I don't think there is any way you can insist that your STBX doesn't co-sleep. I can completely empathise that it must be really vexing if you have managed to stop this at home, and are worried he will want to start again.

What is your relationship with X like? Can you explain your concerns? He might be reasonable? (Always an optimist...)

Yeah I suppose that's what it boils down to, I can't make him not co-sleep. So if I complain about DS sleeping in the cot because he might hurt himself, he'll just take him to his bed from the off. So rock and hard place.

He will pretend to be understanding, but he just "doesn't think". He also "wont have time" to change the cotbed into a bed so I was hoping a threat of DS not being able to sleep over without adequate arrangements might jog him on a bit.

Could you suggest that he takes the mattress out of the cot bed and puts it on the floor? Might that be a compromise?

I wouldn't worry too much, children quickly get that there are different rules at different houses. My DD co-slept with me for years though she had her own bed she'd snuggle in with me if she felt like it and now at 5 she'll come in when the alarm goes off and snuggles for 10 mins. She has never co-slept at her fathers and doesn't expect it. Children really are adaptable.

Don't threaten to stop contact. That would be antagonistic and it's really not nessecary or worth it. I would also argue that this must be an incredibly confusing time for your little boy and I would let your Ex manage his sleep how he sees fit. If he needs to co sleep with his daddy, that's what he needs.

I think you have to take a 'doasyouwouldbedoneby' approach. If your ex didn't approve of a particular parenting strategy you were trying, would you think it was ok for him to threaten to refuse to return DS until you did what he thought was right?

I think I'd recommend picking your battles here-I appreciate it may be disconcerting but save your powder for the things that are going to really matter and try to preserve your relationship with your ex for your kid's sake. Your ability to communicate with your ex is going to be of far greater benefit to your DS over the next 16 years than where he sleeps.

PS FWIW, I'm with you in principle.

Thanks everybody for the advice.

Just to set the record straight, H isn't doing this because he wants to co-sleep as a "parenting strategy". I slept on a mattress on the floor of DS's room for three months. I wanted to try co sleeping and suggested I was going to several times so DS and I could both get some decent sleep. H put me off because he didn't want to sleep with him when he had him and I thought it best to gradually get him used to his own room.

It took a lot of patience and I am quite frankly knackered.

H doesn't think about parenting strategies. He put DS in a cot he knows he jumps out of and took him into his bed because he couldn't find the time to pick up then Alan key and the instruction manual and make him a safe place to sleep.

If it was because he was trying to foster a nurturing relationship with his son I might feel differently.

However, I have taken all your advice and I haven't caused a row. I have voiced my concerns and reminded him of my hard work over the last few months and I am hoping he will pull his finger out for DS's next stay.

Thanks again, it was goods get some objective opinions

Is there any reason you could not offer to change the cotbed to a bed yourself?

Because I don't live there anymore, and have the left the keys. I had a limited time to get all our things together and leave the house in the end.

And because I work full time, I have moved house single handedly, completely redecorating a nice room for DS in the last week. Because I left him everything he needed, cleaned the old house from top to bottom and he literally had ONE thing to do.

And because he was an emotionally abusive arse and I don't particularly want to go back to the house while he is there.

Why should I have done?

Before you get all shitty,it was a genuine question. Nothin you posted previously indicated your ex was anything but lazy.

If something was important to me and I knew that the other parent wouldn't bother out of nothing but laziness then I would act like I was being all helpful and sort it myself.

Of course you shouldn't have to of course he should,but in the absence of a abusive situation then if you want something doing and he's willing to let you then sometimes the end result is worth more than the principal.

Obviously a moot point for you given the abuse.

Sorry I misinterpreted your first comment.

Actually, even in my circumstances it's not a bad idea and I will just ask to go in and do it myself if he hasn't done it by Wednesday.

I assuming I'll have to as I've already had an email saying he can't do it because he needs another tool.

Thanks for the suggestion, apologies again for being shitty. I'm feeling pretty defensive in general at the mo

No worries,we all get defensive at times,and with written words you don't get the benefit of body language ect so it's hard to know how to take things

"had an email saying he can't do it because he needs another tool.

"

be wary though - as he will then be emailing you every time to ask you tyo do this and that for ds.
your ex has to learn to be a parent.
and tbh mattreess on floor for ds will be safer wont it?

why should you go make the bed ? your ex isnt incapable is he?

if you feel really strongly about teh ebd sure go make it but what will you do about the next thing you feel strongly about? will you be sending hoem cooked meals for ex to stock infreezer so ds eats well when with him? decide on your limits.

(my ex did at one point ask me to send food - at one point i was paying for him and dc to eat out as he was in bad state MH wise and this was the only way the supervised contact could work....but times have moved on a little.

but once he was able to be in his home it as his responsibility...but he has asked even recently for food...i ignore

do the bed if you must but make it stop there.

you have to let go and let ex make his mistakes as it were.

if he doesnt ahve the tool he can borrow from someone else (not you) or buy one right?

if its allen key he can get standard set from roberty dyas or homebase.

I see what you're saying cest and I agree but how can I just sit back and let him make his parenting mistakes when it has such an in impact on everything else.

Yes a mattress on the floor would have been safer, but he had already put him in the cot. Last time DS slept in there I saw him haul himself over the rails in a fury and he very nearly hit his head on the corner which could have really hurt. H knew that's what he had done.

Then he took him into his own bed at 1am. Which yes, isn't a terrible thing I know, but it's something we'd agreed not to do, mainly because he said so.

The first several nights in the new house, DS was so pleased with his new room and slept in his own bed all night. I'd been building up to it for weeks.

Since Saturday it's back to square one. So the last two nights I am cosleeping which I'm pissed off about to be honest. Not least cos DS kicks, shouts and climbs all night. And I am back to very little sleep.

All because of H. So this is how it is forever? I let him make his parenting mistakes and i deal with the fallout? It's so frustrating!!

Ps - I would love to see him go to homebase!

Ellie - yep, that is one of the frustrating things about separated parenting. Unless you and your ex agree to do things the same way, (which inevitably means one or other of you have to defer to the other) then there will be many, many occasions where you each "suffer the consequences" of the other parents decisions.

What you think are parenting mistakes are his preferred method of parenting (all be it lazy and by default). Unless your DC is neglected or at risk then he has a much right to parent his/your DC the way he chooses as you do.

There are often posts from parents who are "still together" and who disagree (sometimes fundamentally) about parenting. At least when you are separated, and contact is limited, the primary carer has the most influence over the DC.

True frog. I feel a bit more philosophical about it all today. I've spoken to a few people in a similar boat in RL and well, yes, I know I'll just have to suck it up.

I suppose it's all a learning curve eh!

The alternative, staying in that marriage, would be worse. And even though he likes to sleep in my bed again, DS is happy and doesn't seem any worse in himself with everything that's going. So i should just be thankful for that.