So....how to tell a four year old he now has a father?

[stubbornstains]

DS is very nearly 4, and since he was 4 weeks old has not seen his father.

From time to time his dad (EA) would text me with emotional pleas to see him;- I would ask him not to text/ phone me again and to contact me via post/email, and suggest attending mediation, which would inevitably spark a flurry of abusive texts, then silence for a few months...then repeat.

Recently, to my amazement, his dad actually contacted a mediation service, so we had our first joint mediation session today. It went fairly well, although I did catch him out in a couple of bizarre lies (pathological inability to tell the truth was a big part of the emotional abuse).

We have arranged that DS will meet his dad once a week for a short period at first, and the mediator and I stressed the need for consistency.

The thing is, that I have never had the Daddy chat with DS, mostly because I have just simply not known what to say. Luckily, he hasn't yet asked me directly, and I've just said that some people have mummies and daddies, and some just have mummies. Sometimes he attempts to call DP "Daddy", but we always correct him.

So...what's the best way to introduce to DS the concept that he actually has a father? And will be meeting him very soon?

Oh this is a difficult one. My 5 yr old has an absent dad and I've no idea what I'd do if this happened. I've only recently had the daddy chat as he just wasn't curious prior to that. It actually stemmed from the birds and bees chat. He knew how babies were made and one day just asked 'what happened to the man who helped make me?'. I just told him that not everyone can look after children and his daddy thought it best if I cared for him myself, then told him he could ask me anything he wants about his dad. He's shown no further interest though.
Maybe you could start along those lines and tell him that his daddy has grown up a bit and would like to see him now.
Sorry if this is no use, just thinking out loud!
You have my sympathies though, this must be so hard.

who will supervise this contact?

as you dont know how much this man has changed - and pathological lies are a bit of a a red flag - i would try and get a trained family therapist involved in the sessions to observe...
or someone very experienced with children.

What clvl said. Take things very slowly. No need to tell your DS or introduce them yet at all.

Thanks for your replies.

I don't distrust DS's dad to have unsupervised contact with him- up to a point. The first sessions will last half an hour and take place in a park, next to a supermarket where I'll be doing the shopping. I'm absolutely fine with that.

The problems that are liable to arise are with lack of boundaries- in fact, he wanted me to come along and have a nice day out with them - then he suggested that he come and hang around DS's preschool for an afternoon (it's v. relaxed, and welcomes parent volunteers), both seeming to me like an attempt to worm his way into my life, and which I categorically refused. He was also fishing to find out if I had a DP. Eurgh.

The other worry is that of physical safety- he lives on a boat, and is v. daredevil and careless of safety- "but my other DSes love it!" Yes, I bet they do, but that's not the point. Hence my insistence on the nice safe park.

But....I still don't know what to tell DS!

The truth? "Daddy didn't want a family with us but he'd like to see you if you want?"
No point in making stuff up and 4 year old's take their "socially acceptable" cues from us. It doesn't have to be a drama just play it like it is. Your DP is raising him and his father wants to keep in touch.

I would stay with them both for the first couple of contact sessions. I know that you know your Ex but your DS doesn't and is likely to be frightened of being left with a stranger in a park!

I would keep it simple- everyone has a daddy but they don't always live with them and your daddy wants to meet you. Kids are very matter of fact and it's amazing what they take in their stride.

Oh, these are very useful, especially theimpossiblegirl- thank you.

WRT DS going off with his dad on his own- this might be a bit much for most kids, but luckily (in this particular case!) he is the world's most outgoing child, and will happily go up to total strangers and buttonhole them for hours....

Stubborn, a close friend with a DD the same age just went through very similar. It all went really well as her equally outgoing DD just enjoyed having someone else to give her love and attention. Harder for the adults that the kids sometimes, especially when there's history of EA.