My ex and teen child's father died. What the hell do I say?

[TaraFey]

He has been absent for well over a decade. My child can't even remember them. Although my child has never really mentioned their father for a long time, I think they did harbour idea's about catching up with him someday.

I only found out yesterday by chance, in a very roundabout way (someone who had no idea of the connection happened to mention in passing to a relative who still lives in the area, who then rang my Mum to see if we knew) It happened last year. We checked the online paper for the area and saw the obituary. From another recentish article, and past experience, I gather it was substance related and he didn't live a great life over the years.

I haven't told my child yet. I just don't know what to say. I'm heartbroken for them, I can't imagine how it will feel...it's that chance gone isn't it? My own personal feelings that they've been spared years of heartache by not having contact don't really matter anymore. They will never be able to make their own judgement now. No memories, photos. nothing. No-one I know has a similar experience and can offer advice. The one person I mentioned it too seemed to shrug it off and say well you won't miss what you never had anyway. I disagree and worry how this will affect my child. they are doing so, so well after a bit of a blip and I'm so proud. I fear this will really knock them.

I feel so strange about the whole thing. The relationship was abusive, and when he just stopped contact I felt somewhat relieved my child wouldn't witness his lifestyle. Yet I feel really sad and shocked. Even though it's well over 13 years since we even heard anything from him. I feel really sick about it and about how my poor child will take the news. What do I say?

I would tell them in a calm way. At 13 they should be able to understand if it was caused by substance abuse. Give them the facts and have time to listen to them talk if they want to. But don't go in with preconceived ideas of how they will react.
Is there any kind of counselling on offer at school? If so you could tell them about it, or offer to talk to HOY if they want to talk to an "outside" person.
Does he have a grave? Or maybe a record in a crematorium book of rememberance? Your DC might want to visit, or might not.

My parents split when I was very little, and when my Dad died, to be honest I wasn't very bothered. It was more of a fact than anything else.

your child doesnt know him so hard to say - you could ring winstons wish and other bereavement charities to talk thru how to tell child - offer to take child to grave etc

how old is your child? is this a crucial school year for him/her? If so, do they need to know now? Can it wait until such a time as you think they will find the news 'easier' to take if you are concerned about what their reaction might be today? The downside to this approach, of course, is the fact that there may never be a right time and you run the risk of having to admit to them you've known for years but if right now concerns you, I'm not sure you have to tell your child immediately.

You poor thing. I had exactly this situation but my DS was 6 when his absent father died. People told me he'd be unaffected as he didn't know him but I knew that he would be affected by it as I know my son and know how open emotionally he is. Like you, I was upset as it's the Chance to know him that will now never happen.

He has, mainly, been fine but the last four years have been completely normal in a way, but punctuated with DS breaking down in tears every couple of months I would say. Basically, I would say it took 3+ years before he was really ok with it (as ok as you ever can be).

When he gets (got) upset I would just hug him and say that it wasn't fair.

Good luck with it x