Manipulative XP - how do I deal? (long)

[cupidsabsolutepsyche]

Long because I don't want to drip feed..

XP and I split up over 2 years ago and have a dd aged 3.5

Whilst horrible at the time we try to maintain a civil and mostly friendly relationship, with a spell of trying again (although not living together). This didn't work out and will never happen again.

Access had always been fairly casual as he moved in with his Dsis at first and there wasn't a place for dd to sleep (he was on a zed bed in the living room) so he would usually come to my flat to see dd and then take her out for a few hours at weekends. However, he would frequently be a no show if he had been out the night before, leaving me with no time to make other plans as he would give no notice.

I gave him a key to my flat (for other reasons, not least because the access door was broken for a long time and running down two floors to let people in had become a massive pain, especially if dd was napping when he arrived) and he then would collect her one day a week from nursery and take her home, do dinner etc until i got home from work.

Over the last couple of months we have been speaking at length about how our arrangement needs to change and him start having proper overnight access at regular intervals - he and his Dsis now live in a 2 bed flat so there is room for dd to sleep there and she does like going to stay with him. So the nursery pick up arrangement changed so that he would have her overnight and take her to nursery the following day.

I have also requested that we alternate weekends and either i drop her off or he collects on a friday, coming back on sunday. He balked at this at first but 'conceded' that it is a fair arrangement.

Two weeks in and he has begun moaning about how hard it is to do the morning nursery run (no different to when i do it - morning rush hour, busy buses etc). Ok, take no notice.

When he dropped her off at the weekend, he stayed for lunch and a chat. Whilst I was washing up (I presume he thought i couldn't hear him) I heard dd ask where she would be spending nursery night after he had collected her. His reply..'my house sweetie because Mummy doesn't want you'.

I didn;t quite believe what I was hearing.

dc's reaction was 'she does want me!' - his response 'oh i was only joking'

I am beyond livid.

While dd was out of the room I sat down and spoke as calmly as i could 'you may have meant that as a joke but don't ever want to hear that you have said such a thing ever again'. He tried to deny saying it but I heard it and he didn't think i had. He then apologised and said 'well she knows that 99% of what i say is bollocks anyway. Er, no, she is 3 and you are her father. Of course she trusts what you say.

His mother has form for gaslighting - I've seen her do it numerous times, and i know that he also follows this pattern (did it with me a lot when together). She is also a big part of the picture, as are the rest of his family in that they have always been involved with dd and on the whole are very supportive towards me.

His mother has however been harbouring the hope that we will get back together properly although I have spelled out in no uncertain terms that it isn't going to happen. She tries to arrange family holidays, nursery pickups etc. I have to smile and ignore most of the time.

It would seem to me that XP is not happy about the new arrangements but doesn't want to be seen as being unreasonable by saying so directly and instead is trying manipulative tactics to get me to reduce days.

DD then dropped a bombshell that they were going to see his g/f but didn't as she wasn't in. He said nothing to me about doing so - is it unreasonable of me to ask him to tell me if he's going to do this? If he wants to introduce her there's nothing I can do about that but if the shoe was on the other foot I'd like to think I would be discussing it with him first, even just a text to say 'i'm thinking of introducing dd to x'. He won't admit he actually has a g/f but I do know this not to be true.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really - does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle what he said from hereon in?

Deep breath, step back and congratulate yourself that you have managed to keep a civil relationship going and that DD has a relationship with her Dad.

It seems to me that you want to establish a bit more distance and he is quite happy with the comfortable way things were before, with you doing the donkey work (school runs etc) and him doing a bit here and there in the comfort of your home (taking a wild guess that he didn't do any cleaning/washing up when he came over and hung out at your place). Whilst it is great for DC's to see that there parents can get on, I think I'd want to limit the staying for lunch and chatting part of the arrangement.

You can't stop him saying unpleasant stuff, but give your DD credit - she knows it is rubbish, just look at her response! Keep reassuring her about why the changes are happening and she will ask you if he has said something that has bothered her.

As for the g/f, for me that would be small stuff. Again, don't show DD it bothers you and she will feel able to talk to you about it.

thank you so much for the replies

Daddyofone - XP agrees we won't get back together but won't say it out loud to anyone else close to him i.e. his family or friends. For whatever reason. But I think what I'm now worrying about is what else he says to dd when I'm not there - if he can tell her I don't want her whilst he is in my house, what does he say out of it?

I agree I need to grit my teeth and stick to the arrangement, I just hope he does too because you're right - the more time he spends with her on his own the more their bond will grow. We do have a good relationship and he knows I won't stand for his bullshit, which has lessened it (the bullshit) somewhat. I guess I was just so shocked at what he said that I'm wondering if he's going back to his spiteful way of dealing with things when he doesn't like something.

balia - that is exactly it. He likes the easy life and being able to see dd at my place when it suited him was easy. You're right about the helping out with housework - if I asked him on the day he would hoover but that's all.
Now he has to make much more effort and can't fall back on me to do the legwork when dd is with him, and even though we agreed between us that this is the way it should be, he's decided he's finding it tough. Again, he'll never openly admit this for fear of looking unreasonable.

There really does need to be more distance and it's something I need to work on regardless of the way XP approaches things.

I think I'm pretty good at not showing dd that I'm bothered by stuff and she does find it easy to tell me things so I know I'm getting that right. I will carry on doing what I'm doing and just keep my ears open to dd and act accordingly.

thanks again :)

That's actually quite heartening to hear, although it must have been shitty at the time for you to hear that.

I suppose sometimes I just think, she's only three, she shouldn't have to process things in that way. But I can't shield her from unpleasantness all the time and she will always say something, even if it's a few days after the event, when she's had time to digest it.

I think all you can do is always be honest with her. As dad says kids are smarter than they get credit for and will soon learn whose word they can trust.

My xh has a habit of telling my dd not to tell mummy when something goes wrong. Last year she sustained a head injury due to his negligence but she was told not to tell me. She didn't tell me but thankfully she told friends of mine. I didn't tell him I knew as he would would have told her not to tell anyone in future. I think it is more important that dd knows she can tell someone I know so that I find out about it with the assurance that doing so won't get her into trouble.