need to hear how it is to go it alone

[turtlemurtle]

Hello - N/C for this.

I am considering splitting with my DH (which he knows - we are in a very very rough patch). I am becoming someone I dont like - snappy & shouty with him as he has broken my trust and continues to be unreliable in some contexts. I am heavily pregnant, have a toddler already, a dog, house which is currently a building site. I am self employed and work up to 60 hrs a week. Live is very busy, tiring and I very rarely go out socially. Without going into the exact relationship issues as as I'm confused enough myself. I want to know from people who have made the split and just how hard it really is or isn't with a similar situation. I'm already very weary (probably emotionally drained) and I am just not sure how much strength I have to do the whole new born thing alone, with sleep deprivation, a toddler, house renovations and I will need to start back working within a few weeks. (I will keep the baby with me.) I am very scared by the thought of doing this on my own. I don't know if I will be compounding my unhappiness by making this choice at such a crucial time but its truly horrific on your own. I'd really welcome any advice please.

I'm not in exactly the same situation (only one DC, aged 3), but I quite like being a lone parent and I find it nice for my DD that she comes and goes between two peaceful households with no stress or fighting, and she possibly gets more quality time with the two of us than she would otherwise. I've been alone since she was born.

Logistically I find it tiring to never be able to take short breaks eg pop out alone to the corner shop, pay a bill online while someone else takes care of her, etc.

I think a key question is your financial situation. If you can afford domestic help and childcare, if you can afford to cut down your hours, it'll be ok. But if you have to keep working long hours to pay the bills, I think it would be pretty tough.

I have a friend who also split with her partner when pregnant with a second. She is doing fine but is on extended maternity leave and has a well paid job to go back to (part time).

I know someone else who had twins alone and the baby years were pretty hellish for her.now they are three and in nursery school it's fine.

Do you have help from your family?

Oh turtlemurtle what a horrid situation. I feel for you but you don't have to make any decisions just yet do you? Maybe you will feel better after the baby is born. Are there any real advantages to splitting before? I wish I could have my husband who left me pregnant just before xmas and I thought at first I was happy to see the back of him. I'm not surprised things are pressured it sounds like you have so much going on!! Hugs x

Will you be working the same number of hours as before? Do you have family to help? How much money/ time will the renovations take?

I've been a lone parent for 5 months now and although I do still love/hate my exh for leaving me with our 3 young children... I have to say it's actually fab! I did have my own business but folded when exh left as I just couldn't cope. Glad I did now as I can just focus on the DCs and decorating the house. We do what we like, when we like, without checking with anyone else.

Yes it's hard at times, like when I'm acting like a referee with their fighting and also when they want my attention at the same time. When they're ill, and wake up in the night... But the DCs now get more quality time with their dad as he never took them out on their own, ever. And I get every oter weekend to myself which is something that never happened before either!

I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation tbh. Working all those hours will be very hard, especially with a baby and the night feeds. Can you take a longer break from your job?

thank you all for replying. Its really appreciated.

I would be ok financially but only if I dont take my eye of the ball with work. I would not be able to cut my hours back by much, but some weeks are quiet and others very busy.

I do have help with DC1 in the week. I tend to get up before DC is up to work for an hour or so, spent couple of hours with DC (dress/breakfast), drop at childcare, work all day, collect DC and play, dinner, bath, bed, then work until midnight. I just know with a baby I'll be up half the night too & baby will be with me all day. Renovations will take another year, I dont have all the money yet to finish it, so I have to work to save the rest too. God Im tired thinking about it.

Its nice to know some people prefer bits of being a lone parent though :)

Things kicked off yesterday and I feel a decision needs to be made for my sanity. if its possible I love and hate him both at the same time quit passionately. I think I could feel less angry if I felt it would be a mistake to split, but then I think I'd feel trapped by circumstance. I'm struggling to focus on work, I'm very stressed and angry and I know this is all very bad for my baby which is why I think I need to make a decision. hithere123 I'm sorry for your situation too - I do know a little how you feel- we split before (2years ago), for a couple of weeks and after the initial feeling of being glad, I had remorse and wished he was back, I felt very lonely and this is why Im worried its a mistake this time too. We did get back together obviously, but now i'm just so angry with him that its not healthy for our DC or the baby. Im fed up of feeling like this and wish it was simple.

When dd and I moved into our own place we were putting an Ikea bed together and I lent on a bit and it fell over and made a HUGE clang! We laughed and then carried on. Then I cried. I cried out of relief that no-one called me stupid or swore or shouted at me or hurt me for doing that. We just laughed and moved on. It was such an outstandingly liberating feeling.