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Original poster

Does anybody else feel guilty for the kids after you split up with their dad??

9 replies

Montessorisam · 16/01/2014 18:09

Hi, I'll keep it brief. The kids father and I were together for 12 years, married for 5 of them. 3 kids, age 12,9 and 3. At the moment the kids are very unsettled. H and I split up 8 months ago. Things have been awful during those 8 months - even to the point of ex being arrested because he was harassing me. I just feel so guilty for the kids. It's not their fault is it that our marriage failed. They miss their dad. I try so hard to be there for them 24/7. They rant at me, tantrums, bad moods, lashing out. I try to talk to them and sometimes they talk back, sometimes not. I hug them, soothe them.....but I feel guilty. Is it also normal to feel some sense of responsibility towards their dad's emotions even tho he has been an arse in these last 8 months!! He doesn't pay any money and made the break up all my fault even though we were both to blame and yet I still somehow feel responsible for his happiness!!

OP posts:
MeMySonAndI · 16/01/2014 19:21

It is normal, I think I was worrying about my ex's feelings for years, until the moment he succeeded in putting DS and me on the street, more so because there was no need. Since then I'm free, he is no longer one of my children. (Yes, he was, more than a husband, another child to take care of).

Anyhow, it is natural to feel guilty but eventually this will stop. I thought that reading this thread would make you feel a bit better .

pyjamasatlunch · 16/01/2014 21:26

Oh Mmmmmmyyyyy YES YES YES soooo totally get you. On great days this feeling is lower than ground zero... I feel proud for surviving and bringing up a fab little girl... On bad days - even though my head is saying "come on you must not feel guilty!" My heart is doing a whole guilty dance on its own that I just can't control! Sometimes the only comfort is a cuddle from my puppy eyed dog a duvet, wine and very good film... Sad

My Mum and Dad NEVER separated and my Mum has terrible guilt about stuff too. I think Mums have guilt it is part of being a muvver, innit? We use what there is in our lives to feel guilty about as it seems to be something Mothers need to do. I don't quite see the biological need for this.... but there is obviously one or we wouldn't have these feelings.

Meglet · 16/01/2014 23:12

No. But the DC's were very small and XP was abusive, it would have been worse to stay together.

AlteredState · 16/01/2014 23:28

Yes I think it's normal. And my dd was young, too young to remember having a dad. Even though I didn't anticipate her having no contact with him it wouldn't have made me stay.

McPheezingMyButtOff · 16/01/2014 23:30

Nope. He chose to leave us and turn his back on his dd.

I have everything. He has nothing Smile

wilkos · 17/01/2014 00:10

No, he was abusive and getting out of control with it, not physical but psychological. DC were small and my eldest was beginning to be affected. I was heading for collapse with the strain of it.

If I had stayed it would have caused irreparable damage to my children, as all the time I was still with him he had no reason to change his behaviour whatsoever.

bibliomania · 17/01/2014 12:43

Of course I feel compassion for my dd's distress ("I just want us all to live in the same house") - when she hurts, I hurt.

Intellectually I know it was the right thing to do, for her sake as well as mine, and as time has gone by, more and more I feel that emotionally as well as intellectually.

So while I get the odd pang, I wouldn't say that I generally feel guiltly.

Original poster
Montessorisam · 17/01/2014 14:36

Yep, I know what you are saying. I know in my head that it was the right thing to do - the kids witnessing a damaging relationship teaches them nothing about relationships and respect for the future. I guess it all takes time. MemysonandI that link brought it home to me - thank you. I have also spoken with older women who wished that their parents has separated when they were younger because living with them arguing was hell....so maybe I did do the right thing after all.

OP posts:
Overtiredmum · 17/01/2014 14:43

Another here that feels exactly the same. My DC are handling the separation really well, in fact I will go so far to say they are thriving, although they see their dad every day with the very odd exception.

Their dad and I drifted apart over a couple of years, although of course, in his eyes, it is my fault. I lost the support of my family over leaving. But I am trying to build a foundation for the future and seeing my DC happy encourages me. And do you know what - I'm happy Grin

I also feel the guilt and responsibility for Him, I know I need to get passed that to move on fully, but I will get there.

OTM x

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