Long distance contact

[Penguinttc]

How do you do it? ATM my ds goes 3-4 hours car journey every other weekend. This worries me as his dad works all day, then does the 3-4 hour journey here, picks him up and takes him straight back home, driving another 3-4 hours! This is an awfully long day for day, and something I am not happy with, as I believe it is dangerous.
Aibu?

It does sound a gruelling day for dad. Are you saying you want to share the driving?

Who moved that distance away ?

How long does he have him? All weekend? That is a lot of driving. Could he collect him on Friday instead.

It's on Fridays, straight after he finishes work, until Sunday evening. Ds is 4, so needs to be at school and ex has work on Mondays. (Every other weekend btw).
I don't drive, and he left this area, which we both grew up in and his family still live in - but there is no space for him and ds to sleep there, real full house, plus ex will be bringing pregnant gf and her son who is 12. (They apparently don't separate :S )

He's the one doing the driving, and he's maintaining a good ongoing level of contact... All of this sounds good to me. It's his choice whether gf comes along too, and whether he'd prefer to stay with his family or drive all that way.

There are lots of things that can be done to make the journey fun, and I think unless you have specific concerns you need to trust in your ex to be well enough to drive, and take care of your DS.

I've got to agree with dark, this does sound like a gruelling day for your ex, so IMO good for him for keeping up with it. Not that you should offer to help when he's the one who moved away - your ex has alternatives and it's his choice which option he goes for.

My ex moved 3 hours (on a good run) away and my DD is nearly 4. She is still at pre-school so finishes at 11.30 at the moment. Ex collects DD from home at 12 and they have lunch in the way home. She returns at 5pm on Sundays and this is EOW. When she starts school in September the arrangement will continue with him picking her up from home at 4pm on a Friday. If he isn't doing anything much on Sunday he tries to bring her back earlier during term time to reduce the chance if her falling asleep in the car and so she has a good dinner and settles for the evening before the week and pre-school start again.

DD seems to be coping ok with the journey, and I bought her a DVD player for in the car which he uses on his weekends too.

There have been a few issues like a party in a Sunday morning at 11 on his weekend, but I said I'd collect her for that as otherwise he would gave said she couldn't go.

He keeps suggesting sharing the drive but he will have to take me back to court before that happens. I see it as his doing that the journey is necessary. He earns over 80k a year and pays the bare minimum maintenance because he is self employed and hides a lot of his income.

See ds isn't picked up until 6pm, then another 4 hours on top. His dad has provided him with a DVD player but that makes him sick as a dog, so I only give him a light meal and then he is complaining he is hungry and sick all the way and hates it.
So then ex is working a full day and driving 8 hours on a good day (a few times they haven't arrived until 11.30pm) and it's not safe!
I understand it's important for him to have contact, but at what risk and price?
His dad and I rarely communicate and he bullies me into backing down and the longer this goes on the more I worry. My friends have said it's too much too, but I wanted an unbiased opinion. Perhaps I am being too cautious, but I love my boy and I can't bare the thought of losing him due to his dad pushing himself just so he can take his trophy back to the gf.
Like I said, I don't drive I've never even had a lesson or a provisional license lol. And I didn't move! He should be more accommodating to his son?
Yes noregrets it is a long day, and that my point!
The journeys to collect him are also on his own, gf doesn't come then, so if ds falls asleep, and his dad is tired and bored, it's reckless in my mind.

Unfortunately I don't really see that you can do much about it. He seems to want to maintain regular contact and hasn't asked you to contribute to meeting him somewhere as he knows you don't drive - maybe suggest that he stops off at services to have tea so you DS gets a break and so does his dad and then he won't be hungry either?

This may seem harsh but in reality you haven't said anything that suggests he only see's son as trophy and as it is only EOW.

In an ideal world what would you like the contact arrangements to be?

If he's accustomed to driving that far regularly, then it's not as dangerous as you'd think. I go through phases of having to drive long distances, and the more I do it, the easier it is.

I appreciate it's not ideal, and it's not great for your DS to get bored and feel ill whilst in the car. But that's when he's with his Dad, and it's therefore his Dad's responsibility to make the journey as good as possible. I do think you're over thinking it, by worrying about losing your DS when he goes. That could be extended to so many bits of life.

Your comments about the pregnant gf, the fact they won't be separated, taking the trophy back to the gf, makes it sound like you're a bit bitter. We don't know the circumstances under which he moved so far away, but you say he should be more accommodating to his son, when he drives a 6-8 hour round journey twice, EOW, to ensure he maintains contact? I'm not clear on how more accommodating he could be? Do you mean dump the gf and move back to the area? Or see his DS less?