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Lone parents

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Original poster

Dealing with an unreasonable ex-partner

11 replies

BobbyD0 · 14/01/2014 16:02

My ex partner and I split up 4 years ago. I had a DV conviction for common assault because I shoved her during an argument.
For 4 years now she will not let me or my family have any contact with our 5 year old daughter.
Every time I try to talk sensibly to her, she brings up the past. She will not let my Mum or Dad speak to DD, and has DD all to herself.
Is there any justification for this?
I am allowed to send DD gifts but she will not allow me to speak to her and wont send us photos of DD.
Is this healthy for the child?

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 14/01/2014 16:05

Stop trying to talk to her, that's just more abuse directed at her. Do not hassle her at all as that just makes you a bastard.

Go through the courts and ask for supervised contact in a contact centre. Build up your relationship with your daughter.

I assume you're paying proper maintenance?

lostdad · 14/01/2014 16:23

Firstly, if you have a problem with anger you need to sort it out. Go to anger management classes.

Write to your ex. Nicely. About contact and nothing else. Keep it neutral and child-focused. If she doesn't respond, don't keep contacting her because that's harassment.

Your child has a right to a relationship with you unless you are a danger to her. If your ex doesn't respond, try mediation. Google National Family Mediation. She may well refuse but try.

If that doesn't work, court will be your only option. If that happens you will need to demonstrate that you are not a danger to your child in light of your conviction. Which as I say above, you need to deal with.

Original poster

BobbyD0 · 14/01/2014 16:25

she wont accept maintenance from me

OP posts:

Original poster

BobbyD0 · 14/01/2014 16:27

i had a problem with anger, 4 years ago. Not anymore.

OP posts:

lostdad · 14/01/2014 16:32

Maintenance has no link in law with contact and is irrelevant for the purposes of this discussion.

However if she refuses to accept payment, open an account in your child's name and pay it into that account.

As for anger management - you may be right, but it is likely the first thing you will be asked about if you take the matter to court. It may be advisable to be able to demonstrate you have addressed the issues your ex will likely raise...so as I say go to anger management classes/sessions/whatever to learn (we can all improve) and get this documented.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/01/2014 16:37

Ok, I'm not sure why the OP has sent me a private message but if you're not in the country how do you wish contact to be established?

Obviously if you want to see your daughter from that far away you are the one whose going to have to travel to see her.

LaurieFairyCake · 14/01/2014 16:41

How on earth would me saying you're out the country without the details make your ex 'know who you are'.

Don't send me private messages, that's not what it's for.

I will not post the details of what you sent me. No one knows who 'you' are.

Theoldhag · 14/01/2014 21:06

Seems as though you have not sorted out your anger issues Bobbydo

Am reporting

AskBasil · 14/01/2014 21:27

So you're a domestic abuser and you come on a mother's forum and minimise what you did ("I shoved her")

What did you do before the shove? What about all the emotional abuse that you would have exercised before leading up to that act of violence? Men don't just shove women out of the blue, there's a whole load of grooming that goes on before that point.

You don't need anger management, you need to take responsibility for the choice you made to use physical violence against the mother of your children.

She brings up the past because you haven't acknowledged your behaviour. As long as you refuse to acknowledge that this "shove" was domestic violence (and I bet it was the tip of the ice-berg) and ensure that you go to a Freedom programme for men who have committed DV so that you can unlearn the attitudes and beliefs which led you to choose to use violence against her, she's not sure you're safe with her kids.

It's not your right to see your kids you know. It's their right to see you, if exercising that right would be in their interests.

Reality · 14/01/2014 21:48

Oh yuk.

nevereasy · 15/01/2014 08:27

the word of one person against another is not enough proof to convict someone of a 'shove' as an incident of dv. there has to be evidence (coming form someone who was 'shove'd). and no case of assault will go on a rap sheet as a caution, you would have been in court.

the advice you want is not going to be found here. people will be judgemental of your op. at the end of the day the law has recently been reworded so that, parents have 'responsibility' the do not have 'rights' regarding their children. it is a childs 'right' as a person in a vulnerable position to feel safe and secure, it is her mothers 'reponsibility' to do all she can to ensure that safety.

if what you are saying is true about your anger to date, then the courts is the only way forward. if seeing your daughter is your only concern then if you suggested supervised access (with social services, it would never work with an ex who is waiting for you to do something she can explode over) it would show you are sacrificing what you think you should have (unsupervised) in order to regain trust and respect as a co parent. and setting an account up in her name would be good as well.
Money seperates the men from the boys. those who become in someway financially integral to a child can change their mind on the children they rarely see in a heartbeat and judge them as an iconvenient expenditure. for you to save while her mother is refusing it, on the grounds you want your daughter to feel supported whenever she is ready or able to access the money would also be a great mindsight to get in to.

don't minimise what you did, it undermines you as a man and undermines her as a person who shouldn't be assaulted by anyone, less the father of her child. from experience, there is nothing worse than thinking on top of each blow you receive, that it was all nothing because that's what you got told it was. that you feeling smaller than small is unjustified and it is all in your head. she is not mad or weak or even pathetic. you did a really bad thing. you. the 'because she said/did' sentence you WILL use to justify it all is in your own head. so get that straight first.

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