Making a fresh start by relocating

[orangepostit]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone could offer advice on moving away from ex and family to start again somewhere new? How long does it take to settle in and make friends? Did you regret it? Or was it the best thing you ever did?

I'm in the middle of a divorce and would really like to move when I'm through, mainly for a fresh start and to have a new life.

I've got somewhere in mind but it's a good 3 hour drive from where I am now and I won't know anybody.

The upsides are that job prospects are a lot better there than where I am currently, and it's a smallish city, so I'm hoping I'll meet new people and other single mums like me.

The downsides I guess are that I won't have anyone to call on for support, at least in the short-term. I'm worried I'll be very lonely. Won't have much cash for babysitting so it's not like I'll be going out every night.

Currently, I live near my brother but don't see him very much, and most of my friends in current location are 'couple' friends that I probably won't see much of post-split. But, on the other hand I've lived here for 7 years, and know the place, and I do have friends here.

My question is:

I absolutely see why you want a new start somewhere fresh. But my concern here is with your child/children. How old are they? Surely your ex will want to see them? It will be more difficult to maintain a relationship with a father who lives 3 hours away.

And if there is a problem would you now want someone close by that you can rely on to take care of child(ren) if need be?

Would a move be in the best interests of your DC?

For what it's worth, when my DS was uprooted from his home area I moved too. I suspect his mum was thinking along similar lines to you.

Thanks for both your replies Twitterqueen and lostdad. Yes, you're right to point this out. The distance away from ExH is a problem, because it will undoubtedly make things more difficult. I don't want DD to spend hours in the car at weekends, or be faced with the motorway service station drop off scenario but I'm aware this could be a reality if I move away. How do other people manage this? Especially with a young child?

To be honest, I'm a bit stuck with it all hence me asking for any advice or thoughts. I can't stay where I am because I can't afford the housing here, and I've got to think about jobs, and most importantly, schools. I'm not deliberately trying to move away from Ex-H, but I think he feels I am. I'm just trying to think ahead and what might be best in terms of location and what's on offer - and I DO want a new life. Part of that probably includes being away from him to some extent. I currently live in a fairly rural area with not much going on either workwise or socially.

It's very difficult to know what's best really, on top of all the stress of the split etc etc etc.

If you can, talk to him. Nothing makes things worse than not communicating. You're both raw and probably don't trust each other much and it only takes something like this to make a bad situation so much worse.

If it is awkward, try mediation. If you can't sit in the same room as him, try `shuttle mediation' - google it if you don't know what it is.

Nothing is worse than a long court fight, believe me. I know it's hard, honestly.

I moved - but my son was very young, and I moved about 9 months after the initial split. However, I moved about 40 minutes away so still regularly see my family etc, and they are able to help when I need them to. And of course the ex still sees DS regularly.

It took me about 9 months or so to settle in, having made some new friends etc. Hate to say it (and probably will be lambasted) but the netmums meet a mum board was fantastic for that. Oh and the site called 'Meetup'.

I didn't move job though, so that may have made things easier.

My son settled in really well, and loved his new nursery, and I don't think will ever remember that we lived elsewhere.

I moved for similar reasons - primarily housing. I'd been renting with exH but when I'd got back on my feet I wanted to buy and there just wasn't anything affordable where we were living. I also wanted somewhere with a bit more to offer socially, for DD really as she got older. But I didn't want to make the relationship between DD and her Dad too difficult and basically it's just do as you would be done by - would I have wanted him to move her hundreds of miles away from me?

I decided to only move within a certain distance; maximum travel time (round trip) 1 hour, so he could be part of her school life, regular weekends etc. I had to be a bit more open to compromise about what I wanted but found a great house on the outskirts of a bigger town.