Do you let your ex pick and choose which child he has for contact?

[17leftfeet]

Informal contact agreement

Ex has said he only wants to see the younger one

I feel he should see both otherwise oldest is going to feel rejected

But if I make him have both he won't be nice to the older one

Gah!!!

What do I do?

No, I don't know of anyone who does this.

I wouldn't let him see either child if he's the kind of person who is prepared to be cruel to one.

I'm quite happy for neither to go but dd2 idolises him

Feel like I will be upsetting one of them which ever I do but I know it would damage dd1 to keep going the way things are

This isn't how parenting works.

Does he also want birthday and Christmas but not dentist appointment, poo or vomit?

I'd stop all contact until be was prepared to be a father to all of his children equally.

Unless there is a very good reason! it's all or none. Eg sometimes the DSs go to watch rugby or football and I feel it's ok to exclude DD as she'd be bored.

I'd also stop contact. In the long run what kind of effect will this have on dd1 and dd2 relationship together? How will it affect dd1 to have a constant reminder of how unwanted she is? How will it affect dd2?

He diesn't get to pick and chose which bits of being a parent he likes so it's all or nothing. What are his particular issues ? What has he done to address the issues ? Parenting courses ? Family therapy ? Speaking to pastoral care at Dds school for support ?

Why doesn't he want to see the older one?!

He sounds awful. I'd stop contact altogether. It would be damaging for the dc to be treated so differently.

A friend of mine had this - her ex only wanted to see their DS 'for the time being'. I think that was more to do with DC's being too much like hard work as the younger one was still in nappies. My friend put her foot down so he has both but routinely drops one off with his parents for the day so he only has to cope with one.

Because she's rude and only does what she wants to do

She is absolutely the carbon copy of him apart from the fact she has some redeeming features!

He has no idea how to deal with her so opts out -its not up to him to tell her off apparently

She's not rude with me btw, if she misbehaves she has consequences but he doesn't like to tell her off

I think I just made her out to be a monster, she isn't, she's a normal 13 year old

Seems to me the issue that should be handled sensitively. It may be that both children would benefit from one to one parenting time with dad? Perhaps sit down with him and agree a flexible arrangement that allows for that. With the older child, again, perhaps the answer is help and communication? Dictating terms...stopping contact...def not the way to go. Good luck

If he can't be nice then don't make child go.

Does child want to go ?
If not then speak to her about if she minds youngest going.
My older dd chooses not to go.
She is fine about it

I would be asking the 13 year old how she feels about access..If she is 13 she has a right to make a decision...If he doesn't like the gobby teen and won't deal with it the younger one will become a teen at some point too

I've got a very upset 13 year old this morning who 'can't' tell me what the matter is -this is breaking my heart

I'd try to arrange some separate contact time for them each. Is your 13yo upset because she feels rejected ? Or because she doesn't want to see him. I would be guided by her wishes as to what's right for her but wouldn't stop contact for DC2 just because their dad is finding the older one difficult

They are both his

She doesn't want to go because she doesn't feel like she's wanted and that he prefers dd2

You need to handle this one very carefully....

From reading here she is right, so to say no it isn't like that may well mess up her radar on shit men in the future and she is right in her judgement.

I am not sure what to advise you do though.. just know dismissing her feelings would be really damaging.

What a horrible man....A Dad should make their daughter feel like a princess

My husbands ex used to only let us have the elder child, apparently the younger one had too many allergies and was still in nappies so she didn't trust him with us!

17left feet - you've desribed your daughtet as rude and being 'the carbon copy' of her dad. I dont believe children are inherently bad, if there are behavioral problems the reasons behind them can be very complex. Her relationship with her father might be one issue of several and I'd be cautious over looking for simplistic answers.
As a starting point is it possible for both you and her dad to speak to her together with a view to restarting contact in stages. Issues around how she feels, why she misbehaves, how that impacts on others could be discussed. I think from what you've written the situation is salvageable but not if both parents try to locate the blame with each other.

He describes her as being rude

I tried talking to him today and he's saying its the music she listens to and her friends that have turned her how she is with him

He's never met her friends and she listens to queen mainly

In terms of her being a carbon copy -she likes control, she builds a picture in her head and if things don't happen quite how she planned she can get upset which is something I've been working on since she was 3. She's a million times better but she still likes to know exactly what's going on and lacks spontaneity -he is exactly the same
She is also someone who very much likes her own space where as her sister is a social butterfly

Dd1 is a deep thinker and will generally only speak when she's got something to say

I've suggested we reduce contact to 1 day to start building the relationship back up but today she's reluctant and he says its all or nothing, he's not messing about and pandering to her