Lone parents of under 1's - what does contact look like?

[BigOrange]

Hi all,

Have had various threads about this, exP left me and our 4.5 month old DD in mid November, she is just over 6 months now. He was vile initially but over the last three or so weeks he's been loads better. I'll admit that I was under the deluded impression that if he saw what things could be like with me and DD he'd change his mind and come home again, so I've been letting him call the shots and come round when he likes, stay for as long as he likes, and do what he wants. However yesterday he dropped the old 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' bomb, so that's that. I can't keep letting him walk all over me and do what he likes, so I need to think about what we should be agreeing for contact but I don't know where to start.

He is currently living at his parent's house where he is sleeping on the sofa and does not have his own room, so if DD stays over he will have to take our travel cot for her to sleep in. He will be there for the foreseeable future as his finances do not allow much else. We works shifts, one week earlies and one week lates. The late week he could only really come in the morning. In addition his Mum's house is about half an hour away on the bus and he doesn't drive so I'm not sure what he would do in the evenings with DD as she is in bed by half seven, and sometimes he doesn't finish until six.

I don't know where to start and am worried about my bitterness towards him clouding my judgement so can I have some advice please?

Firstly you need to consider what the right amount of contact for your DD will be, she's still very little, so overnights may not be the best idea yet if she hasn't spent much time away from you. How much has your ex been involved in her care? Is he capable of looking after her on his own, and do they have a good bond?
Whether she is breastfed or not might also be relevant as to how long she can be away from you.

The best thing to do might be to build-up to overnight contact at sometime in the future, and for now maybe just do an hour or two during the daytime; either on mutual ground with you also present, but not involved, such as at the local library or soft play centre, or he can come and collect her and take her out somewhere.

At your DD's age contact is recommended to be little and often.

What do you feel comfortable with? My DS only started staying overnight with my exdp when he was 15 months, he now has him 6 days/nights a month.

The sooner you stand-up to your ex and start laying down some rules (e.g. no more contact at your house) and become firm about boundaries the better.

Thank you for replying. I don't feel comfortable at all with overnight contact, but I don't know how much of that is down to me not ever wanting her to be away from me! I've got PND and I get very anxious. I know I need to do it at some point though, I'm going back to work in April and I work every second weekend so she'll need to stay with him then, so I don't know whether it's best to get it out of the way now?

You can cross that bridge about overnights when you come to it. She is too young and needs her Mum, start out little and often and build the contact up.

I found it so hard when my DS first started going to his Dad's overnight, I know that feeling of anxiety, I still miss him terribly when he goes. I had PND as well and I used to let ex come and stay at my house to have contact for ages before I got myself together and put my foot down. I just wanted some company really I think, it was hard to be alone. I used to sleep on the floor in DS's room because I was so anxious about anything happening to him.
It does get easier, this part is the hardest; getting everything sorted and trying to hold it all together.

Sadly that sounds all to familiar to me! I'm really worried that he thinks I'm blocking her staying overnight to be awkward though, he doesn't seem to see the issue with it?

I think he's probably for a point about overnights. It's fair enough if you think she's too young to stay overnight but you can see from his point of view that saying he can't have her overnight now but he will need to have her overnight every second weekend so you can work when you go back in a couple if months is a little unfair. Or have you just said no not yet and not mentioned every second weekend in April? If no maybe suggest you build up to overnight contact between now and then.

Have you actually asked him about every second weekend. Be worth checking he is going to agree to it as otherwise you'll need to make alternative arrangements for once you go back to work.

I said ok from the start of February. I do have back up plans if he says no to every other weekend but I can't see that he will. He works in the same place as me and will be doing the opposite weekend to me and if he doesn't have her the weekends then he won't have her for any! I do have alternative arrangements in place though.

Contact for a young child should be little and often - particularly if you are breastfeeding. In an ideal world an hour a day would be good - although that's seldom manageable.

As for overnights - look...there's a lot of argument about this. Many people say a child is too young' to be away from their mother. Do some research on this. A lot of it is founded on the Tender Years Doctrine' which is around 200 years old now. You will find research for and against this.

The bottom line is that there is no reason he cannot care for your DD as well as you do - although he may have a problem with breastfeeding . Good parenting is learnt, not innate.

The key for you is communication. I can't stress this enough. Stop communicating and every small disagreement between you will grown from a molehill into a mountain. Don't listen to anyone else - not your parents, not your friend, not anyone else. They won't have to deal with the fall out - you, your ex and most of all your DD will.

If talking is hard, go to mediation. It's not just for people who are on the verge of courts. A good mediator will quickly work out what you agree on and build on it with compromises that whilst you may not necessarily be happy with, you can agree to. Do this and you and your ex will be allies in raising your DD. She'll do best with her mum and dad working together rather than fighting like cat and dog.

In my situation I also let exp come and go a bit like he pleased hoping that he would bond with her and things would settle of their own accord. They didn't and I regret not having more of a routine.
So this is my opinion based on my situation (exp left for OW when I was 5 month pg and didn't see dd until she was 4 months),

I decided it was best for dd to see her dad in her natural environment so however much of a dickhead he'd been I allowed him to my flat to play with her. He used to come 3 x week and stay for about 1 hr. 45 minutes of which was spent talking shit to me (nob). I offered him to come daily and also assist with feed and bedtime. He chose not to.

When dd was 7 month old I allowed him to take her to his and OW place (yuck). She spent anything from 4-7 hrs there. I was bf but by then was weaning so dd could go a day without a feed.

At 10 m0ths he tried to get me to let her have an ON. I said no because a) Contact was still sporadic and dd had not formed a close enough bond. b) I still bf. and co slept and felt it would be too distressing for dd c) he refused to come over and see what her routines were.
Exp still only has sporadic contact so tbh at the momenta she has no bond with him but that's his choice. Dd is only 14 months so still has no concept of who he is.

Find what works for you op. little and often is good and it you can bear it in your home. Do not let him bully you and don't force ON until you feel ready and can be sure that exp has a close enough relation to totally trust her father ie wake in the night and not be distressed if you are not here.

FYI the country we live in do not recommend over nights until the child is at least one (SS guidelines).

Good luck.

Apologise for a few typos. Was losing the will to live on my phone:)

bluebeard could you please direct me to those guidelines? (Similar situation here) thanks

As a seperated Dad of a newborn, I had the first overnight somewhere between 4-5 months, however don't take that to indicate my opinion is that overnights should begin at the dad's convenience.

The two overriding concerns is that first is your ex capable at handling all the necessaries. Nappy changing, night feeds, bathing, is his home safe? In my case I had mine so young I could watch development but your DD must be pretty mobile by now. Is he prepared for all that?

Second is your little one bonded and secure with him? Without that it's not really fair on her if not. I was extremely fortunate my little one is pretty much default happy, relaxed and patient. I have watched him like a hawk for signs of separation anxiety, but so far so good. I even posted about it here once as it was one of my main worries.

The key to my situation was little and often, and our first overnight was at Mum's request so she could have a night off. We have gone from strength to strength since then, but follow your own instincts on this every baby is different.

Twocats...these are the guidelines in our country which I have discovered differ very much from the UK and obviously guidelines are not set in stone, however, happy to PM you. All I can say is that from my own experience I know dd would have been very distressed to seperate from me at such a young age. Tbh I still bf at 14 months so she can still get quite distressed at times and I have never not been there for bedtime but this doesn't really matter as I am her sole carer and her father is not specially significant in her life. Obviously if your exp wants to play a role and you feel he is capable, knows her routines and dd feel safe with him (this is paramount I think) then just build up to overnights at yours and dd's pace.

Will PM you now :)

I'm not aware of any guidelines in the UK although there's a host of theories around attachment and so on. Certainly court ordered overnight contact is common place for two year olds and Id imagine that its fairly common place for extended family to spend time looking after a toddler. My own view is that if dad were to start overnights early, then that would be better for a child than introducing them later. As has been said, allowing the dad to bond with his child and develop his confidence and skills is the important thing. Good luck. a