Contact for four month old - 180 mile distance

[GuernseyTeddy]

Split with ex over Christmas. I moved back to my parents 180 miles away; I'm a sahm and had no family/friends where I was living with ex.

The problem now is arranging contact for DS. Ex wants weekends, but as I don't drive and have no money to pay for travel this would be a four hundred mile trip for a four month old every weekend. I don't think he's old enough to get any benefit from this.

Add to this that ex has no experience of looking after our son, as I have done every feed, nappy change etc since birth...I'm not keen on sending him so far away when I don't trust his father to adequately care for him.

What have other parents of young babies done re contact when there's distance to consider?

Does your ex pay maintenance? If he does, would he consider reducing that (although it it's though CSA he won't have to consider, they'll assess it for him) and doing all the travel to visit your ds?

If he's only four months you won't have to do overnights so don't worry about that part yet.

How amicable are things at present ? Would it be possible for him to stay with some of your friends or family on alternate weekends and start building contact up during the day ? If he is not up to par with feeding, changing etc, would your mum or dad be prepared to be around to point him in the right direction ? Small, as regular as possible contact is recommended for such small babies.
What proposals has HE made for contact?

Things are not amicable at all. Left a few days before Christmas as he was withholding all money from me. 60k job, yet gave me no money for me or DS. Posted a thread about it in money matters, often had to scrabble around for change to buy milk for DS.

His previous position was that he'd try to get a prohibited steps order to stop me taking DS, but once he worked out he couldn't afford full time childcare if I left - his position now is that DS should spend as much time with him 'in a proper home', and not in some 'scummy benefits hole'. Nice.

Ideally I think DS should be allowed longer visits with ex's family over holiday periods (I trust and like his family), few days etc. But nothing more until DS is older. I plan to settle here permanently now, and ex is unwilling to spend weekends here for contact as he has his older daughter (10) eow.

I don't know the backstory/ history so only going on the basics you've put here.

Its understandable why he doesn't want to move 180 miles away from his daughter whom he has EOW to follow you and your son across the country.

The fact that he is asking to have him for a weekend at a time at his place seems to show he is keen to be a father to your son and make the effort to form a relationship with him, which is a start.

I too think 4 months is too you but I think you need to propose some options for him to build hi relationship to lead up to weekends/overnights.

As another poster said, anyone he can stay with or who would supervise contact? Would he be willing to sit with you and get to know DS's routine, nappies, bathing, feeding etc before taking him overnight? The. He can feel confident and you can have peace of mine. Although if he has always been in his 10yr old's life then it would surely mean he has looked after a baby before. In the absence of any welfare concerns there seems no reason to need supervised.

As you took your son and move that far I think you need to be willing to be flexible to make contact work. I do think you should do some of the travelling to take you son for contact or agree that he lowers his maintenance payments to cover half (at least) of the cost. It will be difficult though now you've moved so far away, it's going to seriously hinder the chances of your son having a relationship with his father, which is sad.

Hi. I was in a similar position. I was on my own and then pretty much homeless and had no other option but to move to my mums. Exp refused to have anything to do with me and dd in the beginning and actually said I would have to be dying for him to come over and help with dd. so I really felt moving home was my only option.

Once exp decided he wanted contact I set up a schedule whereby we both travelled every couple of months and paid for our own journeys. He refused this resulting in me travelling to see him five times since es was born at great expense and him travelling the sum of zero!! I still make the trip as often as I can afford for dd and stay at friends. I also hope that I can one day afford to move back so dd can have more regular contact but that is not a financially.viable option right now.

Fwiw I know two people who grew up some distance from their fathers and still have a great relation with their dads. Try to focus on LO now and not stress to much. It is a really tough phase for you anyway (been there). If exp really wants to see his child regularly he will find a way to make it happen.

get some advice about financial abuse from womens aid. you had to move because of his abuse of you, and ds by not providing for him.